I went to bed last night about 1 or so, could have been as late at 1:30, but I was up bright and early at 8. Don't have to be up, even now, until 8:45, but I was up at 8 and could not remain asleep. 12 hours from now, I should be coming home from the alternate dimension, or will already be home. Time moves quickly when I'm going to the other dimension, until I'm sitting in the seat with people screaming invectives at me, then it will slow to an absolute crawl.
We had house guests this weekend. Sic-un's son and G&D's dog. Really great weekend, except now I need to wash the couch dressings (pillowcases, cover). Max, that is the dog's name, slept on the couch, nervous and missing his owners, and him with his skin condition. Min-pin and part chihuahua. And then over 1/2 my bottle of Ciroc is missing, so now I'm marking the bottle. We'll see if the boy notices. Small, nervous dogs distress me to a certain degree. I'm afraid of hurting them (because they're dogs, but they're...tiny. And nervous. Shivery little things) or expecting too much of them. Still, it was nice to have an animal in the house.
Christmas was good, although it came with its own guilt. Sic-un's mom emailed him, apparently, seeking to see if I hated my gift or liked it or what.
It made me cry. This beautiful woman got me a silver necklace. I've met her once. And I didn't send a thank you email because I want to go to the store and get her a card but I keep getting sidetracked, or I forget and then don't go back, or else I have so much else to do on my (separate) days off, that nothing ever gets done. So I haven't sent a thank you and I feel guilty. I'll stop at the store on my way home today and rectify that. Get rid of that particular guilt. Although Sic-un did say he emailed her back. That should hold for another day or 2.
I'm starting the New Year off feeling guilty.
Not only about the necklace and not yet sending a Thank You, but also about Sic-un, surprisingly enough. I feel like a bad girlfriend. His back has been jacked up all this past week. He tripped over something at work and got on meds from the dr, and IS feeling better (at least he says he is) and I've been hollering at him if he bends and I get him the things he needs... but I still feel like a bad girlfriend. I no longer come in and rip his clothes off, we spend a lot of time just 'hanging out' either watching the idiot box, playing games or reading, and the whole feeling is 'Sex tomorrow or sex yesterday, but never today' in a Carroll-ian turn of events. SO I'm not throwing myself at Sic-un any more and I don't know why. He still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl, he turns me on like nobody's business, but either I'm too tired and stressed from work and things around here or he's tired and stressed, or I don't feel good or he doesn't feel good....
I'm afraid I'm going to lose this beautiful, smart, funny, witty, kind, sweet man, and it will be for something seriously stupid.
NO, we're not fighting. We don't fight. We don't argue. We actually discuss things and find resolutions if they can be found for whatever is going on. So it's not a fight or argument or antagonistic feelings or anything.
It's apathy.
Part of my anxiety about Sic-un can be traced to wife#2. I know that. I'm afraid I'm going to walk in one day early from work or something and they'll be in bed together. It's what initially woke me up this morning. I had a nightmare. I walk in the house, early out from work, and there is a strange car in front and they are in the bedroom. I leave him a note on his computer that I hope he would have the decency to wash the sheets and drive off. Not a 'bad' dream, not fear inducing or heart pounding palpitations or anything, just walk in, hear the noises, crack the door, write the note, drive off.
Except in driving off, I became so upset I started crying and woke up crying. Over a dream.
Why the anxiety? Because for the past 3 years, every winter, starting in October/November, sometimes stopping immediately, sometimes lasting awhile, this woman emails Sic-un about how lonely she is and how she must be such a bad person and why didn't it work out and what happened to them... He had his email open last night, her name was #1 on the list of inbox. What? I have eyes, I see.
Honey. I know you got another email from her, I saw it on your computer last night before you clicked over to temperature (it was 16 degrees, I think).
Keep in mind they've been divorced for what? 5, 6, 7 years? Something like that. Our agreement, from when we first started dating, is that he can go to bed with whomever he wants, as long as it's not forever. Don't leave ME for THEM. And vice versa. He wants to boff some chippy in a bar somewhere? Fine. I have the same privilege to go to bed with whomever I want, as long as the other knows about it (no secrets!) and we don't leave them for the other. No biggie, except Sic-un has a huge amount of guilt over this woman. He's firmly convinced he bent her mind and seriously injured her psyche. So what makes it different this year? I'm afraid of his own guilt towards her and that it will push him towards her and then wrap in the apathy we currently have going on and...
I think also she potentially has Seasonal Affective Disorder, since it's been happening now for 3 years. Part of me wants to knock on her door and tell her "Look, YOU divorced HIM. Let him have his life. You cannot eat your cake and then have it too." And then part of me wants to scream and rail at Sic-un and ask him how he can do this, doesn't he see the manipulation of the whine every year? Seriously? Then add in the "I'll show you" part that makes me want to run out and hop in bed with the first good looking guy I see. Which brings up the way I look now and the fact that I consider myself to be a great cow, so it would never happen, but then add in that agreement... Sic-un would say "Ok, are you leaving me for him?" And move on to the next subject if the answer was no. If the answer was yes, I get the feeling he'd offer to help me pack just so he could be a good sort about it.
I need to stop this. I need to stop it before I talk myself into another years-long lasting depression. I certainly don't need to be hashing this out right before I jump in the shower for work.
Breathe deep, think positive. I am my own worst enemy. I love my painted man, I am employed gainfully, I have money in the bank, my car is still running, I have a roof over my head and clothes on my body. I am smart and talented.
Breathe deep.

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