Lordy, lordy, look who's...

...(all together now!) forty!
Or soon to be. Tomorrow, in fact. I won't jump the gun or anything, but I'm almost positive I won't feel any older tomorrow than I did this morning. Which leads me in a roundabout way to when I first had that thought, 1978, my first tentative steps into the idea that time just might be fluid. I didn't feel any older on that chilly morning than I did before going to bed, indeed going back even further, I couldn't remember ever feeling different on my birthday. So I settled.

I'm eight. But time, although fluid, generally flows in one direction and the ravages aren't so easy to get rid of.

I share my birthday, or shared, with my great-grandmother. She would be 110 tomorrow. She was 65 when I was born. Her name was Helen. I almost share my birthday with one of my cousins. One of my kissing cousins, in fact, not that I've ever kissed her. It simply means her mom is my mom's sister and her dad was my dad's brother. We share enough of the same genes that a DNA sample would say we're sisters. She is 2 years older, and could be called Myrtle-the-Fertile-Turtle, but that may be cruel. She has...4? 5? Something like that. Enough for both of us, is what I say.

I've settled in my skin.

Someone asked me the other week why I didn't have children because they were such a joy. I told her she just got done telling me they decided to rip apart all the drawers in the house and she was waiting to mete out punishment. Why would I bother? Let them be your joy, I'm happy with none.
And I am. I'm being selfish, yes, and a drain on the resources of this country, not even daring to replicate myself to take my place in society when I retire or die, whichever comes first. The world is bearing me now. What happens when I die is whatever happens. I won't care. I'll be dead. And no use wanting me to feel guilt or shame or fear at the imminent demise of Yours Truly. Can't do it. Life is fatal. Everyone dies. Besides. Look at China. See what's happening there? They were so intent on 'A boy to carry on the family honor' or name or some such nonsense and killed quite a few of their girls.....There aren't enough women now. So much for replicating themselves. I kind of welcome it. I look at my car and my clothes and my house and I get food at the grocery store and-and-and... It is a strange kind of guilt for the rock we happen to be hurtling through space on. The bees are dying. Did nobody think to ask if they liked the flavor of the genetically modified produce? Bats are now getting white-nose, a fungus that wakes them from their hibernation to starve because it is still winter. I'm sure something humans have done is causing this. Perhaps the proliferation of molds and super-molds that we are unleashing upon the world. Don't tell me about 'carrying on the genes'. Don't buy it. Don't drink that particular koolaid, OK?

I have settled into being human.

We're having steak for dinner, with mashed potatoes and green salad. Tomorrow's dinner is up in the air. I have no idea if I want to cook or eat out or just get burgers or take out and just eat here or what. The birthday cake is not, it's actually going to be a batch of Lemon Bars (it's a box. I'm making a box mix of Lemon Bars because I'm being lazy on my birthday. I can highly recommend the Krusteaz mixes.). No candles. Meh. I'll light some incense.

I have settled into being selfish enough to be lazy on my birthday.

I washed dishes last night, I'll do them again before cooking dinner. It tends to keep them down to a manageable level. I don't like standing for hours at the sink. Steaks in the Lodge (TM) grill pan, potatoes from a box (hey, I watched how they're made on How It's Made, they're safe), salad to cut/tear into bowls. Laundry is in, whites still left to do and Sic-un just got home from work.

I'm 40. My hair is greying, I'm starting to ache in the cold. I don't particularly like what I do for a living and would really like to win the lottery. I have a man who loves me and I'm doing OK. This is pretty OK.


techreader said...

Happy Birthday! And many happy returns of the day!

Whirlbrain said...

Happy Birthday!!!

S. Gregory said...

Happy Birthday (from a long-lost blogger)!!! Hope you have a great day, Ms. Neuro!