i found a picture of you....

It's always a bit disquieting to me to go through old pictures. People I will never see again, places I can never go again, it's all really quite maudlin. Or at least it always seems that way to me, going through my own pictures. Now, other people's pictures, that's another story. I love going to antique stores and flipping through the pictures. Someone else's life. You can make up stories to go along with the pictures. "This is the summer they finally made it to the beach without Aunt Margaret complaining all the time. Of course, her and Uncle Harry were in Boca that year..."
I ended up last night showing Mako some of the people I've known in the past. I wanted her to see part of what I was, part of who went into me, part of that which is me. There was George, that bad picture of TD, IdiotBoy (of course!)...I didn't show her PB, nor did I show her mine own Archangel (and you won't see him either. Scout's honor.). They were in the other box.

They were in the other box.... So let's go through, shall we? Both boxes, this time?

George(1)... I hesitate to say his last name, to out him in so public a forum, frankly. Reduce my liability and all that. I will say I was taking some good pictures back then. Walked around with my dad's old Yashica around my neck snapping whatever pictures struck my fancy. I could handle that SLR like nobody's business. Met him at Rocky, he was wearing leather armor (YUM!) and we basically fell into bed for a couple of weeks. Through him I met Dwayne (no pictures of him, sorry) and ended up with Dwayne for about 8 months or so.
TD(3)... One of the very few pictures of him I have. There's another one, you can at least see some of his face, kinda... oooh boy. He was... I won't say he was a mistake, but I should have run far and fast. This was at Donna's in Albuquerque. It's all well and good to say I should have run, but I didn't. I ended up wasting a lot of my time with him, learned how to NOT treat people, got some incredible orgasms and learned very hard and very fast that I couldn't count on anyone, really, beyond myself, at least at that time. And when it comes down to it now, I can count on the fingers of one hand now who I can guarantee would be there if I made it absolutely clear I need you. I live with one, Mako is another. TD was very definitely NOT one I could count on. It goes without saying I turned him over to the universe to take care of. He wasn't worth the karmic debt.
Ah, Peter (2). One of my gays. Great kisser. Yes, I said he was gay and yes, I said he was a great kisser. We ended up on his couch one night after bar. It started in the bar, to be sure, and wasn't really the alcohol, although that lubed things, so to speak. It was the music and the mood of the night and the whole "What the fuck!" about just everything... I was 'on', he was, too. Great kisser. Last I heard from him, he was in Albq, living with someone (yay!), T-cells still at good levels. I fear he is dead now and I miss him very much.
Graduation!(4) Mine, that is, as if you couldn't tell. He is my best friend of the time, Jasen. He, I fear, is caught balls deep in a bad relationship. I reached out and was rebuffed twice, which stung very badly. I say bad relationship, but I really mean cruel, abusive, obsessive and toxic. Still. Twice, and then rebuffed, and no way to get ahold of him. Sad sort of write off, and the type I hate the most. My nurturing instincts cringe. Still, it was a happy day. And I looked good. My hair behaved!
Ah...The artist (5). I won't say his name, mainly because he is the ONLY guy I have EVER met who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone and you can't ever get away from knowing someone who knows him or knows of him. I was here for Sis' wedding and met someone at the wedding who knew him. I was in fucking JAPAN and met someone who knew him (at the food court area, Atsugi, during one of my many walks)... Forget Kevin Bacon, it really should be 6 degrees from this guy. So. That's that guy. He kinda pissed me off. Has a real desire to be really passionate about everything, but ends up not having a passion about anything because he is so very jaded at such a young age. Oh, but THAT'S another thing!! Fucker showed me a very very good fake id. HE WAS A MINOR! I could have gone to jail! Fucker!
PB. (6) Only 2 pictures I have of him. I worry about him, I hope he is ok. He is a very shining soul. He basically disappeared. I'm letting him stay disappeared, but I know where he's at. He's held a place since I was 12. Will always, but.
One of the games I play with myself is 'What would I do if X walked through the door?' With PB the answer is I don't really know. I'd like to trip him again and beat him to the floor. Just thinkin' about him turns me on. I wouldn't leave Sic-un for him, I know that. Sic-un is stalwart, steadfast,stickier than static cling, thank the god/dess. I can trust Sic-un, easy. He's mine. PB? Um. Hm. Depends. Is he gonna stick around again or is he gonna disappear again?
Craig. (7)Beautiful Craig. He liked to tease, but had no libido for women. Gorgeous, though. Smart, fun, witty. That was out at the cruise area in 1990. We went to go laugh at the lizards picking up young, gorgeous trannies. Fun times...
Jeff. (8)Oh, and Ed's in the picture too. Jeff. He was hung like a horse and didn't know thing one about using it. I still managed to get off, but it was a hit-or-miss proposition. Great guy, though. Marriage material, definitely. He'd be a great father, too. Laid back, one hell of a kisser. Gave me my worst hickey ever. I looked like I had been punched. My upper lip was solid black on the left side and the bruise from the hickey went up to just below my EYE. Beer drinker. Tip for beer drinkers: Eat cucumbers and pineapple and drink apple juice to kill the taste of beer in your cum. Please.
Another of the Artist...(9)
High school grad pic.(10) yours truly. Mako said she'd do me at 18. Hell, I'd do me at 18! I was cute! Hate the hair, though. Don't remember it being that... fluffy.
Dave... (11)Hot kisser. Clingy girlfriend, hot kisser. Figures, doesn't it?
The Last (12). Won't waste more time on him. He had 10 years of me. That's enough.

And oh, look... There's Con-man mowing the snow that one winter. And my Bear-baby, beautiful lady. Miss your softness, Suzbear, need your chin-nip.

See? Maudlin.

No comments: