'Tis the season-

-al affective disorder! It's the only thing I can think of (other than my hormones are quite possibly completely out of whack and this is my PMS time? But I'm only just now getting OVER the last freaking one. YES, TMI. Deal with it. You've read me before if you're reading me now. You know 2 things: I am the queen of all the motherfucking tangents and I give way too much information.) and honestly...
It's giving me blue christmas too.
I say it's SAD because I'm noticing it more on the more cloudy days. It gets REALLY bad on the drives to work if it's cloudy. It's been cloudy to some degree all this week, and all last week, and the week before that, and it's supposed to get worse this weekend. I felt like this last winter...and the winter before that and the winter before that. And the first winter here in TN? In my apartment? With the really cool sink? Dearest Dear Reader, there were nights where I'd sit in my apartment and just cry because ...(you can insert a shrug here). There's no reason for me to be so UGH, and I can't really think of any particular things that make me just go off. I'm just getting more and more UGH feeling. I can't describe it any better than that. It's... It feels familiar and strange. I'm still kindof standing outside myself watching myself, like I do with PMS, but then there's the leeetle voice in my head saying "It's ok. You'll be fine. Just let it out. Good. Better. Sniffle, wipe your nose. Move on." I don't get that little voice with PMS. The little voice is usually too shocked with horror at my behavior if it's PMS, usually. And I don't know what will set me off.
People kill squirrels around here with cars. There are squirrel carcasses all over this town. I've seen people swerve to hit squirrels. Me? I like squirrels. I've been known to stop for squirrels. I won't feed them-too much of a chance of kitties in the neighborhood stalking the feeding station, but I won't intentionally run them down, you know? I sobbed on my way to work this morning over a squirrel laying in the middle of the road.
I was driving to work yesterday and started crying (get this) because it was Wednesday.
I was at the AD and doing a quality improvement thing and almost freaked out. Why? I chocked it up at the time that I was just tired, but I was just tired of the quality improvement thing. Not something to throw a fit over, you know?
And then add in Christmas. All of Christmas. The whole kit-n-caboodle that is the commercialized psuedo-religious holiday it's been for the last 150 years...
I finished the candy-making. No baking this year-I bake cookies all the fucking time.
I gave food gifts to people.
I gave kits with the most amazing bread recipe (foolproof meaning the loaf turned out better than just edible, it was DELICIOUS-and I've long bemoaned the fact that I suck at bread making) to people. 
Sic-un and Sos-u's gifts are all wrapped and waiting.
ET gets Optimus Prime (delivered today), Conman and the Princess' gift cards were last seen in the OakRidge post office parking lot Monday morning, falling gently into the slot marked 'Mail ONLY up to 13 ounces!' because I was slow getting out the door to work.
Christmas dinner is purchased and awaiting cooking (we're having ham, sweet potatoes, potato salad, green beans, salad and rolls), which I will be doing all day Christmas.
I have added to a tattoo arrangement I have with someone, to take place just on the 2nd.
My computer got sick, I healed it. It took 3 weeks, but I healed it.
I have not gotten the Gentleman from Virginia's package out to him (Wilde) yet. My beautimous Japanese shark will be getting a recipe book as soon as I get it together (all my cookie recipes. All. She deserves). 

I've managed to stay busy. It's not that I'm not doing anything or not occupying myself or anything like that. It's not "Bored, let's get depressed!" or anything. And I'm not picking myself apart, like I have been known to in the past. I'm just... I'm sad. I want sunshine. I want laughter.

I'm in a really good time right now, but the overwhelming urge to (no, not beat the crap out of someone) just sit down and cry and moan and wail just comes upon me sometimes. And Christmas adds to it. I miss my family. I miss...
I miss the sun a real angle at noon, like overhead? Or I'll even take a shadow 10 degrees either way at noon, really! Out here, at noon? 'Cause my first break usually comes right at or about noon? It's not overhead, not by any stretch of any imaginary friend's imagination.... My shadow that I cast? I would swear it was about 3 pm in Albuquerque based on that shadow. The sun is already at a funny angle, and when you fuck with its position due to the SEASON??? Ohboy.
The sun is disappearing on what little horizon line we have here by about 4 in the afternoon. It's dark by 5:30. There is no moonshine, there's too many clouds. I missed the eclipse! MISSED! Why? Why do you think they call them the Great Smokies? No, I didn't think of that before I moved out here. I was too enamored with getting ME back to notice. So I missed the eclipse. And no, pictures aren't the same.

I want to play "Lizard" in the sunshine on a concrete bench warmed by the sun for a few hours.

It's gotta be S.A.D.

I say I'm in a really good time right now because I feel very OK. Yes, I'm scattered, but I'm usually scattered to some degree or another. Sic-un and I are good. I haven't been talking sex for awhile because my period has been fucked up. Nothing for 45 days, then 2 weeks of nothing but. It kinda kills the mood, but hey! I'm not pregnant! AD is good, I'm in learning mode right now, so it's OK and being OK. I'm putting in the effort, at least. J may be by for the holiday -Please note: Sic-un has to work, period is all but over, so I may get a chance at another bounce session with him, which would be a GREAT present for the day, but even if it's a great present, it still won't make it a BAD day if I don't get it, you know? I'm feeling very ok.
And it's not booze, it's not other intoxicants, I'm just feeling very OK right now. I'm in a good place. But then I'll weep for no fuckin' reason and it's starting to really, really get to me when added in with the Christmas blues....

I just need more vitamin D, more sunshine, maybe some light therapy.

'Tis the season, after all.

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