a call in the dark....

...come back to us!!!
 From Coopernicus.

I heeded the call. It has, after all, been since Halloween. We had zero trick or treaters. ZERO. Nicht. Nada. Zip. Nothing.  I was (vaguely) disappointed, but this is the Bible Belt...Or the buckle thereof. Pick your bit of the belt, how's that?
Then a zip through November, fraught with various illnesses and malaise, a trip to the ER for my painted man, headcolds and stomach viruses all around...  I do work in a call center. It is on par with a daycare for illnesses. A good Thanksgiving was had (we had guests! J2&TRex(with baby bump in tow!) showed up unexpectedly). I think I should just get used to the fact that nobody RSVPs, and if I invite people over, I should just plan for a crowd and clean accordingly.  Got responses on Samhain and nobody showed up. No responses for Turkeyday and we had guests. Go figure. So I'm just going to remember 'If you invite them, they may come', and not wait for a 'Yes, I'll be there' to run a vacuum and put up my laundry piles.
I also managed to complete another NaNoWriMo, and I'm still writing it. Reliquary of Dreams. Time travel. If you want the link, EMAIL ME and I'll hook you up.

So that brings us to December in this listing of things and stuff. December. Cold. I think of December and I think 'It's going to be cold. Very cold. All the light will go away and it will be cold.' The light goes away because it's at the wrong angle in the sky to begin with here... having your golden orb hanging about 10 degrees off what it should be (subjectively) isn't fun at all and messes with my sense of time. But it hasn't been cold. Up until the last 2 weeks or so, we've been warm. Warm. 60's warm. But I still got sick. Still have the chest part of it, too. I was an early adopter of this particular cold (one of the supervisors just came down with it), getting it on the 8th...How do I know? Because I stayed home on the 9th (aced out on that one-thought I was calling in sick only to hear there were system issues and everyone was home). Then I missed the 12th, too. Still ill. Then it settled into a chest cold (it's not bronchitis...not severe enough-just a continuing cough) and there it sits, still gathering & clearing my winter sniffles.

Then, my stress levels went through the roof. As if it weren't enough (not to sound like I'm whining, but it feels like I'm whining and maybe I am, but I don't want to-does that make sense???) that money is tight not only due to the economy in general-
tangent: Milk here, whole milk, is at $3.58 a gallon. WHAAAA? 2 years ago, it was $2.19 a gallon. shakin' my head, i'm shakin' my head...
-not only due to the economy in general, but I've been sick, Sic-un's been sick (including his trip to the ER), so hours spent at work are down-which creates less money- the circle means it's tight...
Then I get a call from my dad. on...the 15th? 16th? one of the 2.
Mom's in the hospital. She couldn't breathe, so they took her in. Admitted. They took two liters of fluid out of one of her lungs. Yeah. Hold a 2 liter bottle up to your chest. Now. Drain that from one lung. Yeah.
They run their tests. She tells me Monday they found 'spots'. No more information, just 'they found spots' and 'more tests'. My anxiety and panic attacks start. Brief little random attacks of the little guy in my skull freaking out on me...I breathe and they go away. So I'll be ok, Mom'll be OK, not a problem, we got this.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011, I found out my mother has lung cancer.

Here's your kiss and punch, kiddo: It has not metastasized, but it's very aggressive. Oooh, more passive-aggression: Your mother will be having chemo for Christmas, radiation on her birthday (NYE...grampa's little tax deduction). Per my father.
It wasn't until i spoke to my sister 3 days later that I found out what was really going on. Still a 1-2 punch combo, but not nearly as dire as Dad made it.
Yes, it's aggressive. No, it has not metastasized. It responds very well to chemo. Stage 1. Stage 1. Small-cell sarcanoma. Her lung started filling up with fluid again, so they sent her to ICU with a respirator and a drain. She was getting enough oxygen, just not expelling enough CO2.  They started the chemo, it has been responding. All plusses. ALL PLUSSES. Potentially out of the hospital this weekend. She does chemo for 6 months on a 21 day rotation, light radiation to protect her brain and other internals from any radicals after the chemo is finis, she'll be good. They've found dead cancer cells in the fluids she's been getting rid of. The doctor says the fluid expulsion is basically her body fighting it the only way it can.
All is good on the Mom front, right?

I feel like I'm losing my mind.  The anxiety attacks have become almost a daily happenstance. Out of nowhere, the little guy in my head starts screaming for Momma....My heart pounds, my breathing becomes labored, I start to sweat, my stomach knots, sounds go wonky and my vision blurs because I've suddenly teared up. This morning's episode lasted somewhere around 4 hours... About 15 minutes before I left the house, here comes the shakes and the thought 'Ok, slow down. Stop. Just be still, breathe' because I know all hell is about to break loose in my skull and I can't control it and it's going to go physio...
I have to coach myself through my calls so I don't start berating the customers. My smile is plastered on my face like so much makeup if anyone who isn't an intimate friend looks at me. I have to count my breathing because otherwise I start hyperventilating. People standing around me talking makes me want to curl up and scream with my hands over my ears. Little things are becoming big things. We're switched to stadium seating for a few weeks while reorganization of the teams takes place-Oh.My.God. It's just a seat switch, right? Not working for me. Not working at all. Other phonepads don't sound right. They have a buzz. This chair sucks, that one does too. This computer is slow. I want my old seat back. 'We switched to stadium seating' becomes 'Why the fuck did you let that snotty little fucking lisping cow sit in MY SEAT?!?!' Little becomes big. Someone annoys me, just their voice or mannerism or hell, they BREATHE and it kills me for a couple of days. I get a coaching ('you did this wrong') and I want to quit. The only thing that's preventing me from it is that I really don't want to go looking for another job, and, well... Back to money.
I can't afford missed work. I can't afford a shrink (even with insurance). I can't afford a doctor, frankly. I don't have a primary, so I'm left with the stupid 'take care' clinic that's great for diagnosing a sinus infection, but pretty much useless for anything else. So I'm self-medicating when I'm off work and aum-aum-aum-ing my way through each. fucking. workday. Because I can't call in to make myself better, and I can't afford a doctor to make me better.
And I still owe the hospital for my ER bill from JULY when I had my toe xrayed.
And someone ran into Lancelot while I was in the store getting sodas and beer a couple nights ago. Lovely little dent by the driver's door, towards the rear. Some old lady from 2 rows over said she saw it and 'he just drove away before I could pull out a pen for his license plate'.
Thanks. My one possession worth any money at all and now it's severely damaged. It was his best saving grace...He didn't have any body damage. Well, that's fucked now.
Christmas really really sucked this year. Sic-un did get me a new mouse. I loves it. HE got new slippers and a shirt and some new hats. I gave my other loves baked goods and candy. It's all I could really afford.

So stress is through the roof and the insomnia is worse and I feel like crap and I want to just huddle in a ball and cry for a month on my momma's lap.

How are you?

http://www.signs-of-stress.com/images/StressSymptoms.gif

this battle is....OVAH...

Christmas meal was good. Ham. Slow roasted, one of the so-called 'city' hams, I braised it, then lightly glazed it. There are leftovers, but an almost-8 pound ham for 3 people? It was picked with leftovers in mind.
We didn't have a tree. No place to put it, really, so we just stacked the wrapped stuff on the chair.
Sos-u likes his robe. His mother purchased him a laptop. He also got a shirt and socks. Well, from me and Sic-un. Picked out by me, and Sic-un gave me money.
Sic-un. Jeans, 2 pair, and a quilted flannel. And socks.
Insert smile here, Dear Reader. Yes, everyone got socks for Christmas.
Even I did, if you count my present to myself.
I have to count the present to myself. Otherwise, I'd be a whiny, grasping little ungrateful pathetic wretch.
Not that anyone has said so.
This is not a label I'd normally give to myself.
But I feel very ungrateful and very...
Whiny and hurt and rather unliked right now.

But see, Dear reader, it's a sad day when one realizes if one wants presents of any sort one must buy them for themselves.

Ungrateful. Grasping. Whiny. Pathetic.

Mom said she hadn't gotten my box off and that's cool. I understand, completely. It was touch and go if the kids gift cards would arrive or not. I understand mailing time.
Sic-un's mom met me once and not under the most auspicious circumstances.  She had no idea my tits were as big as they are, so it's very understandable the pullover didn't fit.
Money's a bit tight, so Sic-un giving me the $ I had spent on Sos-u's presents was very welcome.  And since he has child support to begin with, it's understandable without question.
So it's all very understandable.

There's a sting, though, when one sits and realizes that out of the packages (one) bought specifically for YOU individually outside of the work Secret Santa thingy? You get exactly none. Leading to ungrateful. Grasping. Whiny. Pathetic.

Add to it the insult of your fan belt breaking on Christmas Eve at dusk, right before a snow.

I can say very honestly this Christmas has felt like quite a bit of a battle. I'm tired. I feel drained. The candies turned out OK, but not as good as I hoped. I did less than I thought I'd do, used the day as an excuse to get my loved ones less than I would have liked to. I wanted to get Sic-un the overalls, and some other shirts and more jeans. They both need thermals, and the tipi-creepers were on the list at one time. I was originally going to give out cookie-kits as well, but ran out of flour (of all things) and could only find the $7 cookie scoops, so it really became not economically feasible. Still, enough is as good as a feast, they say.  The work Secret Santa thing netted me a really good smelling candle. Just a jar candle, but it's "Amber and Sandalwood" scented and really pretty smelling.  And there's my socks. And tax time is coming up. I should get somewhere between $800 and $1000, like I have for the past 4 years. I'm planning on shopping with some of it. Conman has laid claim to some of it as well, he with the guitar on his brain.... But I'm going to keep him to right in the $200-300 range. Nothing really higher.

So I feel wretched and greedy and grasping. And I'm really REALLY glad the holiday has now passed.

Lasting ephemera...

I wish us all the best, Dear Reader. Embrace each day and don't forget to tell your loved ones you DO love them.

'Tis the season-

-al affective disorder! It's the only thing I can think of (other than my hormones are quite possibly completely out of whack and this is my PMS time? But I'm only just now getting OVER the last freaking one. YES, TMI. Deal with it. You've read me before if you're reading me now. You know 2 things: I am the queen of all the motherfucking tangents and I give way too much information.) and honestly...
It's giving me blue christmas too.
I say it's SAD because I'm noticing it more on the more cloudy days. It gets REALLY bad on the drives to work if it's cloudy. It's been cloudy to some degree all this week, and all last week, and the week before that, and it's supposed to get worse this weekend. I felt like this last winter...and the winter before that and the winter before that. And the first winter here in TN? In my apartment? With the really cool sink? Dearest Dear Reader, there were nights where I'd sit in my apartment and just cry because ...(you can insert a shrug here). There's no reason for me to be so UGH, and I can't really think of any particular things that make me just go off. I'm just getting more and more UGH feeling. I can't describe it any better than that. It's... It feels familiar and strange. I'm still kindof standing outside myself watching myself, like I do with PMS, but then there's the leeetle voice in my head saying "It's ok. You'll be fine. Just let it out. Good. Better. Sniffle, wipe your nose. Move on." I don't get that little voice with PMS. The little voice is usually too shocked with horror at my behavior if it's PMS, usually. And I don't know what will set me off.
People kill squirrels around here with cars. There are squirrel carcasses all over this town. I've seen people swerve to hit squirrels. Me? I like squirrels. I've been known to stop for squirrels. I won't feed them-too much of a chance of kitties in the neighborhood stalking the feeding station, but I won't intentionally run them down, you know? I sobbed on my way to work this morning over a squirrel laying in the middle of the road.
I was driving to work yesterday and started crying (get this) because it was Wednesday.
I was at the AD and doing a quality improvement thing and almost freaked out. Why? I chocked it up at the time that I was just tired, but I was just tired of the quality improvement thing. Not something to throw a fit over, you know?
And then add in Christmas. All of Christmas. The whole kit-n-caboodle that is the commercialized psuedo-religious holiday it's been for the last 150 years...
(ahem)
I finished the candy-making. No baking this year-I bake cookies all the fucking time.
I gave food gifts to people.
I gave kits with the most amazing bread recipe (foolproof meaning the loaf turned out better than just edible, it was DELICIOUS-and I've long bemoaned the fact that I suck at bread making) to people. 
Sic-un and Sos-u's gifts are all wrapped and waiting.
ET gets Optimus Prime (delivered today), Conman and the Princess' gift cards were last seen in the OakRidge post office parking lot Monday morning, falling gently into the slot marked 'Mail ONLY up to 13 ounces!' because I was slow getting out the door to work.
Christmas dinner is purchased and awaiting cooking (we're having ham, sweet potatoes, potato salad, green beans, salad and rolls), which I will be doing all day Christmas.
I have added to a tattoo arrangement I have with someone, to take place just on the 2nd.
My computer got sick, I healed it. It took 3 weeks, but I healed it.
I have not gotten the Gentleman from Virginia's package out to him (Wilde) yet. My beautimous Japanese shark will be getting a recipe book as soon as I get it together (all my cookie recipes. All. She deserves). 

I've managed to stay busy. It's not that I'm not doing anything or not occupying myself or anything like that. It's not "Bored, let's get depressed!" or anything. And I'm not picking myself apart, like I have been known to in the past. I'm just... I'm sad. I want sunshine. I want laughter.

I'm in a really good time right now, but the overwhelming urge to (no, not beat the crap out of someone) just sit down and cry and moan and wail just comes upon me sometimes. And Christmas adds to it. I miss my family. I miss...
I miss the sun a real angle at noon, like overhead? Or I'll even take a shadow 10 degrees either way at noon, really! Out here, at noon? 'Cause my first break usually comes right at or about noon? It's not overhead, not by any stretch of any imaginary friend's imagination.... My shadow that I cast? I would swear it was about 3 pm in Albuquerque based on that shadow. The sun is already at a funny angle, and when you fuck with its position due to the SEASON??? Ohboy.
The sun is disappearing on what little horizon line we have here by about 4 in the afternoon. It's dark by 5:30. There is no moonshine, there's too many clouds. I missed the eclipse! MISSED! Why? Why do you think they call them the Great Smokies? No, I didn't think of that before I moved out here. I was too enamored with getting ME back to notice. So I missed the eclipse. And no, pictures aren't the same.

I want to play "Lizard" in the sunshine on a concrete bench warmed by the sun for a few hours.

It's gotta be S.A.D.

I say I'm in a really good time right now because I feel very OK. Yes, I'm scattered, but I'm usually scattered to some degree or another. Sic-un and I are good. I haven't been talking sex for awhile because my period has been fucked up. Nothing for 45 days, then 2 weeks of nothing but. It kinda kills the mood, but hey! I'm not pregnant! AD is good, I'm in learning mode right now, so it's OK and being OK. I'm putting in the effort, at least. J may be by for the holiday -Please note: Sic-un has to work, period is all but over, so I may get a chance at another bounce session with him, which would be a GREAT present for the day, but even if it's a great present, it still won't make it a BAD day if I don't get it, you know? I'm feeling very ok.
And it's not booze, it's not other intoxicants, I'm just feeling very OK right now. I'm in a good place. But then I'll weep for no fuckin' reason and it's starting to really, really get to me when added in with the Christmas blues....

I just need more vitamin D, more sunshine, maybe some light therapy.

'Tis the season, after all.

Ohmeohmy....

I had a virus. YES! I had a virus. I just finished the system restore, and I'm missing stuff, but that's OK because I no longer have crap popups and misdirects and crap downloading itself like it's from Windows.

What pisses me off the most?
You know it was created by some script-kiddie in Mommy's basement pickin' his nose and waiting for the day when the world will REALLY recognize his genius... Because, you know, he considers himself to be an oldfag on whatever-chan he happens to gleefully post on.
Am I bitter? Yes. Yes, I am.
I just spent 3 fucking days copying my files to whatever flash drive I could find that would work to cart said files to Sic-un's computer to burn to CD. I ended up using my camera-as-flash-drive with its 256 mb card and Richard's old 128 mb card...at least before I ran out of batteries for the camera (and it was a week until payday and I'm BROKE!).
Why? 'Cause the virus ate up my drivers. Steadily. Almost like it was a caterpillar chomping through my hard-drive. So the DVD writer I have (such a SPIFFY! thing) didn't work, and every cd I tried to create failed miserably.
I had YEARS worth of artwork and music on my computer. YEARS....I had my entire CD collection entered, IDIOT BOY'S collection entered (all that Eno! Beatles! Yello!), 5 years worth of hunting up flash from every possible source (so much copy-lefting!)...
3 days to copy it over the long way.
grrrrrr.

BUT! I'm up and running once again. Now all I need is my Photoshop back and my Office back. Then....THEN...... MWAAHAHAHAHA...

In other news. Sosu still hasn't moved in. Sic-un dropped the bike while in the middle of a white-out (more or less) on Sunday afternoon (bruised to hell and gone, bike's fine except for the clutch handle. It's rather artistically curved now from the initial impact). Winter hit here in TN in a big way. Came out of the north, so we blame Canada here. Snowed most of Sunday, all of Monday. Icy roads. No, I didn't go to work Monday. I could have walked the full 5 1/2 miles, I suppose, but then I considered....
I'm a sedentary 40 year old who smokes.
Death does not become me. Still, I was going to walk the 1/2 mile or so down the hill to get a ride from one of the supervisors... That fell through.
So I called in. Went back to bed. Stayed warm. Ended up running some laundry and continuing to copy over the fucking files.

I get the feeling if I ever won the lottery, I'd be dangerous.

Alternate dimension (work) is having potluck and gift exchange (no more than $5, $10). I signed up for potato salad. Always a good thing to have/make. And my salad is good. Mako can attest to that, so can Sic-un. And J. And ....has Sosu had my potato salad?....Hmmmmm..... Anyway, I make it like the Mothership does. Great potato salad. And it's made the way Grandmothership did.
I carry on certain traditions with pride, potato salad just happens to be one of them.
That takes place on the 23rd.
I have yet to do any Xmas shopping. I'll have to pay for shipping, I know. But that's the easy thing. And only 1 thing, really....2 things. Grandma's Music in Albuquerque will ship to my Conman... And Amazon will ship to the ET.
Yes, Little Sis. I'm going to call him ET. Get used to it.
Kid likes Transformers. Kid will get Transformers. Optimus Prime. The big one. The one I wanted, you know? But better because manufacturing got a lot more detailed in the intervening 25 years. That one. ET gets it. Princess is getting a gift card. She'll be able to buy whatever she wants. She's a girly girl who understands shopping, I've been led to understand.
Sosu... I know what he's getting, and Sic-un too. Everyone else is going to get cooking things. Really! Things like "Add one beer of your choice to create a delish loaf of beer bread!" and have the ingredients with a loaf pan and instructions.... Or the ingredients and a cookie scoop, "Here's my chocochip recipe. Enjoy!". Things like that.
Not just because I'm poor and want to give to my universe-dwellers but can't really afford to go on a spending spree, but also because I *like* to cook and I want other people to like to cook too, you know?
I've even considered writing a cookbook of sorts.
I would have to measure stringently, methinks. And that's a little too straight-laced when you get down to it.

I have purchased myself something. It was pure feel-good shopping, I admit.  I ended up going to sockdreams and getting a set of socks and their industrial garter belt. Industrial because it's purely very no-nonsense. Rather utilitarian and stern, heavy duty black elastic. The socks are over the knee (which on me should be 1/2 way up the thigh) and a chevron pattern. They're pretty. I still need to wash them so I can wear them. I also want more from the store... Some of their heavier knit items. Warmer socks. Long socks.

And with that, I think I'm headed to a warm bath. My bones are feeling chilly tonight.

The fat man squawked...

...or squealed. Hey, I'm in TN. I can make Deliverance references if I want. Uneventful day. Dinner was pork tenderloin, baked sweet potatoes, green beans and a fruit compote thing I whipped up. And sourdough bread (was a gift).
I am wrong to call it uneventful. Sic-un and I got hot and sweaty. It's actually a bit painful to sit. Feels wonderful, though. I find myself beginning to make plans for next holiday season, but none will come to fruition. I'll sit on my duff like I have a bad tendency to and will do what I did this year... plan badly.
Everyone got devil duckies. Including myself. A devil duckie should be in every person's bath.
And now I'm going to bed because I'm actually tired and may not be gripped by insomnia's hot breath.
Good night.