a call in the dark....

...come back to us!!!
 From Coopernicus.

I heeded the call. It has, after all, been since Halloween. We had zero trick or treaters. ZERO. Nicht. Nada. Zip. Nothing.  I was (vaguely) disappointed, but this is the Bible Belt...Or the buckle thereof. Pick your bit of the belt, how's that?
Then a zip through November, fraught with various illnesses and malaise, a trip to the ER for my painted man, headcolds and stomach viruses all around...  I do work in a call center. It is on par with a daycare for illnesses. A good Thanksgiving was had (we had guests! J2&TRex(with baby bump in tow!) showed up unexpectedly). I think I should just get used to the fact that nobody RSVPs, and if I invite people over, I should just plan for a crowd and clean accordingly.  Got responses on Samhain and nobody showed up. No responses for Turkeyday and we had guests. Go figure. So I'm just going to remember 'If you invite them, they may come', and not wait for a 'Yes, I'll be there' to run a vacuum and put up my laundry piles.
I also managed to complete another NaNoWriMo, and I'm still writing it. Reliquary of Dreams. Time travel. If you want the link, EMAIL ME and I'll hook you up.

So that brings us to December in this listing of things and stuff. December. Cold. I think of December and I think 'It's going to be cold. Very cold. All the light will go away and it will be cold.' The light goes away because it's at the wrong angle in the sky to begin with here... having your golden orb hanging about 10 degrees off what it should be (subjectively) isn't fun at all and messes with my sense of time. But it hasn't been cold. Up until the last 2 weeks or so, we've been warm. Warm. 60's warm. But I still got sick. Still have the chest part of it, too. I was an early adopter of this particular cold (one of the supervisors just came down with it), getting it on the 8th...How do I know? Because I stayed home on the 9th (aced out on that one-thought I was calling in sick only to hear there were system issues and everyone was home). Then I missed the 12th, too. Still ill. Then it settled into a chest cold (it's not bronchitis...not severe enough-just a continuing cough) and there it sits, still gathering & clearing my winter sniffles.

Then, my stress levels went through the roof. As if it weren't enough (not to sound like I'm whining, but it feels like I'm whining and maybe I am, but I don't want to-does that make sense???) that money is tight not only due to the economy in general-
tangent: Milk here, whole milk, is at $3.58 a gallon. WHAAAA? 2 years ago, it was $2.19 a gallon. shakin' my head, i'm shakin' my head...
-not only due to the economy in general, but I've been sick, Sic-un's been sick (including his trip to the ER), so hours spent at work are down-which creates less money- the circle means it's tight...
Then I get a call from my dad. on...the 15th? 16th? one of the 2.
Mom's in the hospital. She couldn't breathe, so they took her in. Admitted. They took two liters of fluid out of one of her lungs. Yeah. Hold a 2 liter bottle up to your chest. Now. Drain that from one lung. Yeah.
They run their tests. She tells me Monday they found 'spots'. No more information, just 'they found spots' and 'more tests'. My anxiety and panic attacks start. Brief little random attacks of the little guy in my skull freaking out on me...I breathe and they go away. So I'll be ok, Mom'll be OK, not a problem, we got this.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011, I found out my mother has lung cancer.

Here's your kiss and punch, kiddo: It has not metastasized, but it's very aggressive. Oooh, more passive-aggression: Your mother will be having chemo for Christmas, radiation on her birthday (NYE...grampa's little tax deduction). Per my father.
It wasn't until i spoke to my sister 3 days later that I found out what was really going on. Still a 1-2 punch combo, but not nearly as dire as Dad made it.
Yes, it's aggressive. No, it has not metastasized. It responds very well to chemo. Stage 1. Stage 1. Small-cell sarcanoma. Her lung started filling up with fluid again, so they sent her to ICU with a respirator and a drain. She was getting enough oxygen, just not expelling enough CO2.  They started the chemo, it has been responding. All plusses. ALL PLUSSES. Potentially out of the hospital this weekend. She does chemo for 6 months on a 21 day rotation, light radiation to protect her brain and other internals from any radicals after the chemo is finis, she'll be good. They've found dead cancer cells in the fluids she's been getting rid of. The doctor says the fluid expulsion is basically her body fighting it the only way it can.
All is good on the Mom front, right?

I feel like I'm losing my mind.  The anxiety attacks have become almost a daily happenstance. Out of nowhere, the little guy in my head starts screaming for Momma....My heart pounds, my breathing becomes labored, I start to sweat, my stomach knots, sounds go wonky and my vision blurs because I've suddenly teared up. This morning's episode lasted somewhere around 4 hours... About 15 minutes before I left the house, here comes the shakes and the thought 'Ok, slow down. Stop. Just be still, breathe' because I know all hell is about to break loose in my skull and I can't control it and it's going to go physio...
I have to coach myself through my calls so I don't start berating the customers. My smile is plastered on my face like so much makeup if anyone who isn't an intimate friend looks at me. I have to count my breathing because otherwise I start hyperventilating. People standing around me talking makes me want to curl up and scream with my hands over my ears. Little things are becoming big things. We're switched to stadium seating for a few weeks while reorganization of the teams takes place-Oh.My.God. It's just a seat switch, right? Not working for me. Not working at all. Other phonepads don't sound right. They have a buzz. This chair sucks, that one does too. This computer is slow. I want my old seat back. 'We switched to stadium seating' becomes 'Why the fuck did you let that snotty little fucking lisping cow sit in MY SEAT?!?!' Little becomes big. Someone annoys me, just their voice or mannerism or hell, they BREATHE and it kills me for a couple of days. I get a coaching ('you did this wrong') and I want to quit. The only thing that's preventing me from it is that I really don't want to go looking for another job, and, well... Back to money.
I can't afford missed work. I can't afford a shrink (even with insurance). I can't afford a doctor, frankly. I don't have a primary, so I'm left with the stupid 'take care' clinic that's great for diagnosing a sinus infection, but pretty much useless for anything else. So I'm self-medicating when I'm off work and aum-aum-aum-ing my way through each. fucking. workday. Because I can't call in to make myself better, and I can't afford a doctor to make me better.
And I still owe the hospital for my ER bill from JULY when I had my toe xrayed.
And someone ran into Lancelot while I was in the store getting sodas and beer a couple nights ago. Lovely little dent by the driver's door, towards the rear. Some old lady from 2 rows over said she saw it and 'he just drove away before I could pull out a pen for his license plate'.
Thanks. My one possession worth any money at all and now it's severely damaged. It was his best saving grace...He didn't have any body damage. Well, that's fucked now.
Christmas really really sucked this year. Sic-un did get me a new mouse. I loves it. HE got new slippers and a shirt and some new hats. I gave my other loves baked goods and candy. It's all I could really afford.

So stress is through the roof and the insomnia is worse and I feel like crap and I want to just huddle in a ball and cry for a month on my momma's lap.

How are you?

http://www.signs-of-stress.com/images/StressSymptoms.gif

Happy Samhain!

The wheel turns, the wheel burns, and it is Samhain again, the time when the veil between the worlds is thinnest and anything is possible during the New Year....


Above is my contribution to the Pumpkin Patch this year... He's gonna go out on the porch 'round about 6ish, 7ish...whenever.
I'm being 'loose' this year. We are having people over-almost as an afterthought. I decided I wanted to make soda bread and Irish Beef Stew (with Guinness!), and TRex&J2 were at loose ends, so they were invited to dinner, and J is at loose ends, so he's invited to dinner...
Sic-un is currently taking a nap and I've been cooking.
Bread, then stew. And the stew is simmering.
The house is clean.
Laundry is done.
I'm wearing clean clothes.
The house smells good (stew-YUMYUM)...
I think I'm gonna hit my pipe and kick back a few until people start arriving...If they do. If they don't, no biggie.
Like I said...I'm being 'loose' this year.

Happy Halloween, my loves. Be safe and be smart and have a ton of fun.

auuuummmmmm.....auuuummmmm.....

I can't seem to stay away.
Yes, I propositioned J again. Well, actually, it was pointing out that since he works 3rd shift with Sunday and Mondays off and hobbies and a life and stuff and I work 2nd shift with Saturday & Sunday off and my own hobbies and life and stuff, there was nothing preventing me from dropping by his place, say...some Saturday morning? Until now, it's been here, either in the closet (when Sosu was still here, if he happened to be home/sleeping) or in the spare room (formerly Sosu's-it's a tangent).
And then a bit later in the conversation/discussion, I asked him if he wanted company.
I now have 3 large-ish hickeys as a necklace.
I gave as good as I got, although with him latched on lamprey-like to my collarbone, I was able to reach his pec instead of his collarbone for my own serious marking...Yes, serious. Deep burgundy, almost purple. Including an artistic little triangular one.
And I had to be mostly quiet. I think I did OK at that...for the most part. Jury's still out.
It was a thoroughly enjoyable way to spend the morning.

And then tonight, I made turkey & dumplings since Sic-un can't eat chicken (and there's a girl at work whose mother is the same the way). It was heavenly. I roasted the turkey bits beforehand (a breast tenderloin and a bone-in, skin on thigh) with just a dab of butter and some seasoning. Then I threw 1/2 an onion (chopped) and a carrot (chunked) into some chicken broth (ultra processed chicken=ok for Sic-un) with the bones & nasty bits from the roasted with the pan juices. Let that go about 1 1/2 hours, seasoned it to perfection. The meat was chopped & waiting in the roasting dish (too small an amount for a pan-I used my Corningware casserole dish). I strained the broth into the meat, pulled the fond, threw the meat & now strained broth into a simmer, waited about 1/2 an hour. Again adjusted seasoning, throwing in some poultry seasoning mix I have. Let that go about 1 hour. Then dumplings. I used the Betty Crocker recipe, using soda instead of powder. Still turned out. I let the dumplings go about 10 minutes, then threw in small new redskin potatoes and some frozen corn for veg. Then another half hour, 45 minutes. The dumplings, for the most part, disintegrated into the broth, making it super creamy rich.
I had 2 bowlsful.

Sosu is an enigma right now. He was living here, then not. His stuff is still here, but he hasn't darkened the door in over a month. Part of his time has been spent in Washington, I know that. Sic-un's father, a very, VERY dashing man (he gave the impression he'd be perfectly at home flinging a scarf over his shoulder as he rescued his lady love) recently ... There is no good way to say someone has died, you know?  A sudden attack of cancer, actually. No, really. His PET scan was the ...6th and he was in the hospital the evening of the 8th. Never really left it, although they got him into hospice care. My beautimous Sic-un is broken from it. I wish I could make him feel better.

And that's been the latest. Otherwise, it's just apathy and stress for the most part.

argh.

i have no idea what to write...
I can talk about J flabbergasting me this evening by telling me I have him wrapped around my little finger if I want to assert that...
I don't know how I feel about this, it just flabbergasted me. And I'm still a bit poleaxed over it.... I don't like that kind of control over people. I don't like giving people that kind of control over me and I don't like having that kind of control. I made a pithy comment about 'Autonomy!' and left it at that, which was decidedly unsatisfying.
What do you tell people that say (in effect) "You have huge amounts of power over me"?

The alternate dimension is grating on me lately. We got a new supervisor of supervisors. I would say no big deal, but you know how you can just feel that someone doesn't like you and will never like you, that you just rub them the wrong way so it's best if you stay out of direct contact? Yeah...doesn't work so well if they're above the person above you.
You start wondering if everything you do is wrong or if your job is in jeopardy because you might have said or done something months and potentially years ago to piss off the big boss. It's been stressful, to say the least. And it's all well and good to say 'take a day off', but apparently, I can't even do that properly. Sic-un has been hollerin' to gather up PTO and take a 'real' vacation next year. So I requested time off as unpaid. Denied. Ok. So I can't take time off unless it's paid. OK... So now I have to take all time off as paid and there goes any vacation plans for the future because my attendance at the place is shit. As soon as one absence rolls off, I manage to get another one. I've been on 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 absences for a fucking year now. So I'm trying to get my attendance cleaned up so I CAN call in for the bullshit days, when I really can't muster up the bubble, you know? And yes. Attendance counts. Each absence stays on your record for a month, if you don't call in for a month, you get 1 absence off. So what's been happening with mine, you may ask. I got it down to 2 1/2 and then headache. Or cramps so bad I can't move. Or car fucked up, or broken toe or sick... It counts unless I go to the doctor (money I can't afford) and get a note and a 'return to work by' date..

And the stress...it weighs heavily.

It's all coming down to money, unfortunately. I keep hoping to win the jackpot (faithfully buying $5 in tickets every payday), and realize I won't, but I can hope to get it. I was going to take Monday & Tuesday off to go find a couch since I have to shop for it and arrange for delivery and all that... That's what I was denied. The reason? Oh, well, you have the weekends to go shopping.
I didn't ask for your validation of my reason. I asked for approval to not show up to work and get something done that needed done.

I'm just having a bad time of it. I'm under stress and not sleeping and not hungry for food, although I'll take junk food at any time, apparently. I"m poor and I hate my job and I want to have FUN and there isn't a whole lotta fun. I've just got a lot of people wanting to use me as a sounding board and nobody wants to hear me. "OOOh, I've got this new gaming group up even though you have no interest in this particular game, I'm going to wax poetic about it for your entire break!' Thin smile and no interest doesn't work. I'm going to have to be direct and blunt and I hate to be direct and blunt. I suck at it. I stammer and my face turns red and it's embarrassing-the blushing, not the tasks- to have your face go bright red at a moment's notice.


So. Stress. And no...just to forestall any helpful suggestions: A stress ball does NOT work for this. I'm gonna have to tough it out. But thanx for listening I appreciate it.

and lo! There was light....

...you think? Nah. Don't like the sentence. Oh well.
Nothing new to report. Well, I have lost 23 pounds. that's not new, though. But 'struth... I will admit I did take the month of July off. But. August. Started again. I'm tired of the fat suit. Getting back in the swing of doing cardio every day.

Oh! I know. Our dryer broke, so now laundry has become a serious fucking pain in the ass. I usually don't mind laundry. I'll mind bits of it (like folding...I understand folding, but don't like to), but generally speaking, I don't dread doing laundry.  Or at least, didn't pre-dryer loss. Post is another story. We've been alternating between running clothes to the laundromat to dry or hanging them to dry, depending on if I have towels to dry or not...Towels are the break point. No line to dry on, we're hanging them on hangers in the closet (which, if you remember, is the remaining 'spare room') and putting some use to the swingset.  I hate hanger-dried clothes. They're stiff. There is no air moving through them, so they wind up stiff. And scratchy. It's better if we can hang them outside, but there's only 5 hooks set up I can use. And no replacement dryer until at LEAST September.
Money, as you're well aware, is tight. Sic-un's back has caused lack of work hours, which causes strain to the bimonthly money transfer... Work transfers it to my bank, I transfer it to the utilities, grocery store, gas stations and landlord.
I'm still not getting laid on a regular basis. I have, a couple times in the past...what? 6 weeks? Yeah. 6 weeks. 2x with J, 1x with Sosu... Over 6 weeks. And I'm with someone. That's what's baffling me.
Sic-un's back is still jacked up and still paining him on a regular basis, especially when stupid fucks at work (usually cunts, but they're all cunts if they hurt him) insist on doing things like pounding him on the back as a way of greeting??? Either that or they'll run into him even though the bosses have him basically off by himself... Work has been seriously hazardous to his health and it hurts his back and that affects response and desire. Sosu no longer has a girlfriend, and apparently is open for business again, but he didn't tell ME that...he left a note on Sic-un's computer one morning. He'll have to actually make the move for anything to happen (I started touching him, he said no, haven't touched him since. You tell me no, you'll have to make it abundantly clear the answer has changed to yes). And J... Ha. It is to laugh. His schedule at work is changing, meaning his gaming schedule changes as well. Sex isn't a real high priority for him. And now it's even more of a non-priority due to scheduling.

I will say I have met a really solid individual-it was actually on FB where I first encountered him, and then Sic-un and I just met him IRL on the 2nd. He lives in Bristol, VA, so we took the bike. Good ride. DGL shall be his designation. He's smart, funny, sweeter than dammit and wickedly spot-on. Why don't I take him to bed, you may ask. Well, Dear Reader, he lives in Bristol-about 3 hours away, and gas is expensive- and well.... He's paralyzed from the mid-chest down and there ain't much down from mid-chest. Yeah, he's an amputee. Left leg from hip down and right leg from about 4" down. He's also covered in ink, willing to let me use what bits of skin he has open as practice. He's an artist himself (gorgeous! artwork), a hobby horticulturist (he rattles off Latin taxonomy the way I rattle off ingredients), and just fuckin' smarter than fuck! He was paralyzed before he was an amputee, and is really an amputee because he was paralyzed. So. No real sex with him is possible. However, he's more than into oral as compensation, and I'm looking to shamelessly exploit that, but...
It's Bristol. It's 3 hours away. My car windows don't roll down. I have no A/C and hey...it's fuckin' hot out there. So it'll have to wait until fall.
And time ticks on.
So that's the past 6 weeks. No changes in anything except it's starting to kinda piss me off...I want to be independently wealthy so I can quit a job I'm not really enjoying (and haven't seriously enjoyed for a # of years) and start my projects. 

One last thing.... I joined Google+ sometime in the near past. If y'all know my name, feel free to add.

Damn...June already.

It's June. Already. Half the year heading to the great past. I'm up to 20 pounds gone, and I now have some visible muscle going on. It's nice to start seeing the curve of a bicep instead of the bulge of a fat arm. And my endurance level is up. The AD is same-same. We've been attempting to be social lately, and I've been giving my cooking skills great workouts. Fresh buttermilk pancakes were the latest triumph, but they were on the heels of (drum roll) homemade, real, fresh, German Chocolate Cake and (fanfare) BREAD.
Yes, Dear Reader, I baked bread. I broke my bread barrier. Wheat and white were conquered. I'm going to try keeping it up. Cinnamon rolls may be next (whole wheat cinnamon rolls, actually).

I've been thinking a lot lately about my worldview and how I see everything. I think I've mentioned before about how I think everyone on the planet is the center of their own personal universe. Your friends are not my friends, my friends are not yours, so on and so forth. My universe is connected, even peripherally, to all these other universes around it. Sic-un's is rightthere, so is Sosu and J's, closer than most. Mako's right there... I picture successions of Venn diagrams when I try to visualize it. So rather than call it the 'universe', why not call it the multiverse?  I take it a bit further, and view people in terms of how they come into my personal section. As I said, your friends aren't mine, your life=/= my life...It's how it is. It's why everyone has an opinion, it's part of how we're each individuals seemingly struggling for the same goal (but we're not...your goals do not equal my goals, after all).
J2 just found TRex, and that's kinda what touched all this off... Their relationship is going much the way Sic-un's and my relationship has. One day, there appears to be no hope for True Love on the horizon and then the next day, there's a couple. TRex is now in my circle. She is under my protection. She's mine. I started really noticing how easily I slotted her in directly next to J2 and she touches me that way. She's mine.
Sosu is mine too. He was up this weekend and we were going to work on his cross on his leg. That kindof fell through-his nutrition is shit and his hydration was shit and his skin just didn't want it-we'll try again soon. I found myself, all this weekend, apologizing for caring about him. He's only 18 and I don't want him to think I'm in love with him, but I love him. I care about him, you know? He's mine. His circle is rightthere too. I claim him. J, same thing. I claim him. He's mine. Care about him? Yes, yes I do. Grasshopper, she's right there, and she's claimed.
But I found myself apologizing to Sosu for worrying about him. He looks like he's lost some weight that he can little enough afford, and he's very tired. I tried to get it out to him, but I'm so very afraid I'll say it badly and he'll either get spooked or he'll take it the wrong way and think I'm in love with him, you know?
I do love him, though. I think the human capacity for love is constricted by societal mores and morals, none of which apply very much to me. I can honestly say I love a tremendous amount of people, each in their own unique way. Sosu... I love him. I love his mind, his heart, his loyalty. He has more loyalty than a cocker spaniel. And he just gets kicked and kicked and kicked. I don't want to kick him, I want to soothe him. I love him unconditionally, no strings, just him for who he is, but... He's 18. And you can't tell an 18 year old you love them, not when you're 41 and his father is your partner... He'll either take it as if I'm in love with him (and I'm not) or as if I want him to 'cleve only unto me', which isn't the case at all. I consider him a 'boyfriend', because he's more than a 'friend with benefits', but the no strings becomes key for that. I don't think of 'boyfriend' the way other people do. But he is my boyfriend, and I do love him and found myself apologizing incessantly this weekend.

That's the latest figuring on my multiverse theory.

Came across this....

...and it was too cool, so I had to share.

And update! Current weight loss=16 pounds. My arms are thinning...and the size 16 pants I *just* bought not 3 months ago? Um, yeah, I need to look at potentially taking them in.
Sic-un's birthday is at the end of the month and I have a 4 day weekend to spend with him...and a party at my house! I'll see if I can remain sober enough to be my charming self ;)
And I have made DECENT WHEAT BREAD! I have the white bread experiment in the pan on its final rise right now. I have good thoughts and high hopes about the white. We'll see in about 1 hour, though.
AAAANNnnnnd.... K at work let me ink her incredibly responsive skin. Sparrow on the leg-outline is done. And Sosu...He's been inked. Stained glass cross covering the stupid gang symbol he got on his leg. Why? "My friend said it would be cool."
SIGH. Oh well. At least he gets a decent coverup.

Good evening! Or, 8 Talking Points

...and I say Good Evening because it IS still evening. 11:38 by this little clock in the corner. When I notice it as 12...something, I'll say Good Morning. That way, you'll know how long it takes me write and exactly how verbose I can be. I'll also be referencing 1 or 2 back posts here, just to bring you all (3? or are we down to 2?) up to speed.

First... I'd like to request a rollcall. Who's still reading? Even an 'Anon' comment will be welcome.

2. Yes, I've been 4channed. Blame it on Sic-un. He started back on /b/ and got me into /b/ (until he got the 2nd ban laid upon our widdle heads), then I turned to /ck/ and then, finally, to /fit/.
Why?
Well, back here, I posted I thought I had 1 good chance to right the wrongs I've done to my body. That still holds true. As a matter of fact, (ahem)
(drumroll?)

3. I have lost 13 pounds.
(thank you)
At least, when I'm not PMSing. I've been doing cardio (one of the Gazelles, and before you kick me for doing it, it's not a treadmill, you can do SOME different movements on it and I can do a partial squat to work the quads), stepping it up gradually, and on Tuesday last I started up Convict Conditioning, which really is a series of bodyweight lifts designed to work on form. The conditioning gradually makes itself harder, not only changing the form of the exercises but also the length and the duration. For instance, if you start out the pushups by doing wall pushups, it moves you through 1x10 reps to 3x50, and eventually through the various forms until you're doing 1 handed pushups. Here... See??

....and there's a WHOLE SERIES of these-pushups, pullups (wall pullups, then move to bar), squats, jacknife pikes, bridges... Even a headstand so you can get to handstand pushups and walkovers. So I've been doing that. And I bought a dumbbell set. And NO. It's not the girly pink little handweights sold to soccer moms. It's bars and clips and separate plates. True dumbbells. I'm driving Sic-un crazy with running out of the shower practically every morning "SEE??? I HAVE A BICEP!" "LOOK! QUAD COMING OUT!" "FEEL MY HAMSTRINGS!!!!"
And
(can we get another drumroll???)
4. I've cut out almost all the brown fizzy liquids I drank by the gallon. Well, almost by the gallon. It SEEMED like a gallon. Eight 12 ounce cans of Jones in a day, some days. On the weekends, especially. I will say I do still drink somewhere between a partial and 1 full soda most days at work. However, the full soda days are becoming few and far between. I've been trying Gatorade as a stop-gap. Water just gets so... blah? And don't tell me 'Put a flavor pouch in it!'... They all have aspartame which gives me raging headaches. And any of the vitamin waters are  nutritional nightmares. So I've been limiting my sodas to (average) fewer than 1 per day, my water drinking has gone up astronomically and I've been filling the rest in with juices and iced tea.

5. I've dropped a size in my jeans... Did I mention that?...hmmmm.... NO! You didn't hear about my whirlwind shopping venture. I took Sosu with me and I think I kinda scared him. I literally walked through the aisles picking things seemingly at random in a hurry (almost at a dead run) through the stores. It wasn't random. I got a full new wardrobe of GREAT clothes (and went back and picked up the pair of slides and another pair of trousers for work) and I HAVE dropped a size in my jeans. So I picked up a few pair. I've been sticking pretty much with 2 of the 4 I bought because...well, the other 2 pair are just a TAD snug (shows what happens when you assume a size), but I'm looking at it as "I don't have to go jeans shopping again WHEN I drop another size".

Hey... It's 12:06. Good morning!

6. The wild sex life isn't. As soon as I post that I really dig having 2 boyfriends plus a partner, guess who suddenly stops having sex? Yeah... No fault of anyone's, I don't think.  Sic-un keeps tweaking out his back or it's the weather or we're just tired from work. And J hasn't been over in FOREVER. You can insert a scowly face here, Dear Reader. Sosu's been busy avoiding his homelife so he's been trying to stay with friends down in his town so he can still hit school....
Can't say I blame him for the homelife avoidance. His mom has pretty much turned on him mainly because he is saying "I'm 18. I'm growing up. Please do not expect me to be the good little yes man." Only it's not quite in that manner. And I don't think his sister is helping matters any. She seems to have become quite a tattletale. Sic-un's ex wife tells Daughter to call Sic-un and report on any of Sosu's bad behavior. "He stayed out all night and said he was at your house!", things like that... I don't think Sosu quite realizes this CAN BE a safe haven, and for most infractions of any of these 'rules' he's under (from his mother), the most his Dad will do of any 'punishment' is lecture. Like last week... He called, asked if he could spend the night. "Sure." He came in, sat for about 3 minutes, then went and passed out in his room. Fine. Great. I told Sic-un "Watch, he went to a friend's house, was going to spend the night, ingested SOMETHING and now doesn't want to go home to his Mom's because she'll go ballistic." Which is what happened. His friend said "Here, have a drink!" and then when they had been drinking said "Uh, can't spend the night, kicking you out!".... Sosu was offended, which I'm proud of him for. That's a shitty thing to do to a friend, right? No lecture, a little worry.
Stuff like that. So I completely understand why he hasn't been around. He's 18. But the sex life suffers. Part of me minds, but part of me doesn't. And I don't mind because I am trying to get healthier. And I still jiggle.

7.  The reason I've gone on this big healthy kick and trying to get fit and all is because those pictures I took of myself on my birthday-no, you haven't seen them. Nobody is gonna see them until I have some muscles to show and get rid of this fucking gut of mine!-...Those pictures scared me. I was looking at my grandmother's body....

When I was 13 or so, my uncle got married and we went over for the wedding. I watched my grandmother get dressed for the rehearsal dinner, like girls do when they're young and not invited to an evening function. You sit, usually on the end of the bed or perched on the cedar chest and watch as the older woman gets ready, taking note of the process, knowing some day you'll do the same thing, perhaps for your daughter, a niece, a granddaughter: how to check pantyhose for runs, pull out the slip, make sure everything is pressed and tidy and clean and perfect and you touch the silver hairbrush set that's on the dresser, and look at the old pictures of relatives long passed as the woman going out for the evening looks in the mirror and makes sure the lipstick hasn't bled or smeared, one last pat to their hair. You've watched them get dressed and you've seen their body and you wonder if yours will be the same.

In my grandmother's case, she had a great set of legs. TERRIFIC legs. Gramma had gams. Not long legs, but terrific legs.  She was short, under 5'. And she was a large woman, but very graceful, very light on her feet. I always thought it was horrifying that having 10 kids (later found out she had 17 frigging pregnancies or something like) so thoroughly destroyed her body. She had a spherical torso, but these great legs. Very thick, very wide, very round. Round body, great legs. And I think that's how grandmothers should look, really. I don't like the idea of a grandmother being a glamorous older lady who still dresses as if she were 16. I DO like the idea of a grandmother who smiles, is full of hugs and LOOKS like they make a mean cookie. And she did. And that's all fine and dandy when you're talking about a 65 year old who IS a grandmother... It's not so fine when your're talking about a 41 year old who IS NOT EVEN a mother. That woman looks at a picture of herself and flashes back immediately to the wedding in 1983 when she watched her grandmother get ready for the rehearsal dinner.
I got scared.
I'm only 41. I shouldn't look like that. I shouldn't BE like that.
So I decided to change. I'd like to be rid of the round by Xmas. I've already started redeveloping my waist (I HAVE A WAIST!!!). Everything else will follow in due time. And by Xmas should be good.



So that's what I've been up to and doing. Just work and working out and trying to not go crazy insane with PMS and keep my protein levels up and hoping things will maybe be a bit better, soon.

Surprise recipe!  Darkneuro's Brotein Cherry Shake (yes, it contains protein powder...it's my post workout or not so bad for you shake when you want something sweetish)
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1/2 to 1 cup milk/almond milk/soymilk
1/4 to 1/2 cup frozen dark cherries (I use Kroger's Private Selection...they're yummy!)
1 scoop vanilla protein powder (I use Jay Robb whey protein-it's not bad. Still kinda...chemical? But not bad.)
Sweetener of your choice to taste (I've used sugar and some stevia... both work well. Honey is a bit of a different flavor)
Blend it all up with some ice for texture. Brotein shake :)
G'night my loves. Roll call, remember. I'd like to know if anyone still pops in.

LIIT at a birthday...

J2 (the newly free-range J2) had a birthday this weekend. A bunch went to the Urban Bar & Corner Cafe in Knoxpatch. I was invited (!), as was Sic-un. It always surprises me when people want to Hang Out. One of the bunch is a new friend...Let's call her Grasshopper. She is rather like a grasshopper, bouncy and smart. She is a smidge naive, and just got out of a rather toxic relationship, same as J2. J2 wants the Grasshopper. Grasshopper (rightly so, IMO) has put the kybosh on any relationship status change right now. She wants to enjoy being single. She wants to get some ya-yas in. I can SO understand this, and applaud her for saying 'I want!'. Apparently, the douche she just broke up with went so far as to tell her she couldn't buy a dildo...After all, wouldn't she just prefer the dildo to him? He is a douche and she is better off. And I'm glad I know her. She's fun!
So who are these people?
I went with J2 and J-they're roommates. You know J... J of the pretty dick? One of the boyfriends. And that's how I'm referring to the people that I sleep with outside of my relationship with Sic-un, who is my Partner. Sos-u is a boyfriend. J is a boyfriend.
So we 3 went to pick up Grasshopper. J was the designated driver, J2 was planning on getting drunk as was Grasshopper. I was planning on Going Out, like normal people do. I tend to get very insular and be a home-body. Hence the surprise when people want to Hang Out. Dressed up.
Yes...I dressed up.
Black knee boots, leggings, pullover long-sleeve teal shirt, black cardigan... I looked good. Hair.. Um, I recently cut my hair. It's back to being short. And apparently I did a really good job. People keep complimenting me on it, so I think it looks ok. I did notice a ton of grey in it when I was cutting it, so I did a color to it. Still dark honey blond (well, maybe a medium honey blond), but no longer grey through it.
And makeup. Hair was spiked up.
So I looked good, and Sic-un had given me carte blanche for the evening. Didn't do a whole hell of a lot of good, since my period was this weekend (but it means it's NOT going to be here NEXT* weekend!), but I flirted and had a good time. People seem to like me and it always stuns me. It really does. I smoked way too much and drank 7 Long Island Ice Teas (LIIT). I have also vowed to never again wear high heels while drunk.
Why? You ask.....
You would ask, Dear Reader.
When I drink, my knees have a tendency to lose functionality on stairs.
Mostly on stairs.
And there are a lot of stairs at Urban.
So my knees are bruised and scraped.
And, sad to say, somewhere along the line, my right toe was dislocated.
See?--->
I think I have it snicked back into place, and I have it taped up and I'm going to be wearing hard-soled clogs for the next few days (stiff soles. Works wonders). It hurts, but...
I had a good time. I hope to continue being social.

Now. NEXT weekend...
Thursday I turn 41 by the calendar. I'll still be about 8 in my head, but the calendar says I'm going to be 41. I'm planning on making a lemon meringue pie and that's it. That's all I have planned, except for hitting Big Ed's Pizza for dinner-you get a free tshirt on your birthday. I don't have to work, nor on Friday, and Sic-un is taking Friday off. We're both off Saturday and Sunday.
Saturday morning, the local Tai Chi Society is holding an Open House. And! And!
They have a class starting on March 5 that I can actually attend! At hours that aren't too horrendous! It's the reason why I haven't taken a Tai Chi class before. I was thrilled to learn the Tai Chi Center is right there when I moved to this loverly little town. However, all the class times for Beginner were at times when I was at work. Why Tai Chi? With the change of the calendar comes the realization that I have one more chance to get somewhat mobile. I say one more chance because I have started noting stupid little aches and pains that just weren't there before. I can't help but think a good stretch will help wonders. Some activity. And Tai Chi is supposed to be absolutely wonderful for balance and flexibility. Sic-un is going with me, at least to the open house, and he's remaining open minded about the class.
I'm not hoping for a miracle cure for his back, but I'm hoping for some pain easing for him.

Sos-u.Worth the wait. Definitely worth the wait. Definitely. Stunning kisser, good hands. He's cuddly. Puppy-pile this weekend. I drunk-texted him from the bar, he said he'd be asleep on the couch. Ended up puppy-piling. He's cuddly.

And what do I call him? Friends with benefits doesn't quite fit the situation, with him being my partner's son. Hence the realization last night that I have a Partner and I have 2 Boyfriends. I like my life right now. I'm having fun, my mind is engaged, I'm looking good, and I'm taking steps to get even better.
I'm looking forward to the next year, see what it will bring.

Egads...

First PMS, then the 'flu.

You heard me. The 'flu. YES, I went to the doctor (well, nurse practitioner) and was told I had the 'flu. I also had 4 of 5 days off last week, only 3 of them due to the flu. Last week in general sucked sewer water, frankly. Let me share...

Monday was a requested day off (yay!), then I went in Tuesday. Sic-un drove in with me since it was raining and generally pissy outside and his back was acting up and he wasn't feeling well, didn't think he was sick, but he didn't feel good. He had started out throwing up, but thought it was under control. We drove into work in Little Blue. Well, Sic-un made it a 1/2 day at work, then took my car home. On the way, he had to stop at a store. In the store parking lot, one of my shifter cables decided to give way.

Yes, the shifter cable. One of the 2 attached to the shifter, I should say. He got the car home, then had to come out and pick me up on the bike. Sick. In the rain. While telling me my car was broke. How pissed was I, you may ask. Well, I snapped at J, snapped at J2 as well (ooooh! J2 and gf are kaput. He's free range. Shall I add him to the stable or attempt to? Discuss.). Rode home. Can't really holler at Sic-un. He was sick. Thank the fates the GBN (Good-ol' Boy Network) is alive and well here in the South. Sic-un had already called Jessie and said "Um, Jessie? HELP!"

Wednesday: Sic-un decided Tuesday night he was too sick to be at work Wednesday. I was OK, I thought, arranged for a ride, whatnot. I was getting ready to go and just.... Have you ever suddenly lost any and all energy, started shaking and feeling weak and feverish and just ill all at once? That's the first time for me. I called my ride (my beautiful Japanese shark!), begged off. Called in. Wednesday and Thursday kinda blurred. I napped, some. I tried to eat, some. Didn't work too good. Fever ranged from 96 to 101. No cough, some nausea and hellish body aches. Sic-un? Nausea, head swimming.  Didn't go in. Couldn't, really. I'd get up and start moving and then just... Everything would suddenly run down, almost like watching a wind-up toy stop.

Friday was payday. And tax day, actually. Ended up getting $1098, $300 of which is set aside just for ConMan's Xmas this year (planning ahead!). Plus a paycheck. So I had $$ for the clinic. Sic-un went to his after dropping me off at mine (joys of insurance).
Marci, the nurse practitioner at Clinic, remembered me from my last illness. My blood pressure was STELLAR!!! Temp ok at the time, no congestion...'What are your symptoms?'. I did the laundry list. Apparently, I'm doing everything correctly, I just had an official diagnosis of Influenza.
Sic-un didn't have the 'flu. He had the 'Stomach Virus' that's being passed around the Alternate Dimension. No fever? No flu.
SO. Out of work 3 days, get to the weekend, and we start (START!) feeling better.

Saturday, I made tapioca and lemon cake. The lemon cake was defaulted because the store still had Meyer lemons, which I had bought more of after already making one cake, and then they started turning. Had to be used or frozen. So. Used. Lemon cake. Cake-y goodness.

The cake is not a lie.
I'm looking right at it. Loaf cake, Ina Garten's Lemon Cakes recipe. YUM cake.
I made tapioca because I love tapioca and it's becoming my comfort food of choice.
Sunday, Jessie came and looked at Little Blue, provided diagnosis.

I went into work today, felt a bit lost after being out for so long. The guy that sits down the aisle from me? Inspector Gadget? (no...seriously. He looks JUST LIKE Inspector Gadget. The real one, not the live action) He asked me, like, 5 times if I was feeling better. SIGH. And then I was offered about 45 minutes early out. I took it, you bet your bippy I took it. It means I sat for a bit while Sic-un finished up...He's back on his usual schedule, matching mine, which is convenient. And the car is still not fixed.

Why, you may ask... Well, the part is down in Knox proper, at the Hyundai dealer. $202.xx new. Now, I *could* go to the UPullIt and get a used cable for the vehicle for $15 or $16. For a SHIFTER cable. In a place that gets rain and snow and weather and they use salt on the road and corrosion happens.... That's like saying you're going to buy a used condom. It just doesn't make sense. So we placed it on hold and Sic-un is picking it up Friday after he drops me at work. Then he calls Jessie and gets guided on how to fix it either Friday or Saturday. I'm also going to see if maybe my timing belt can get replaced at the same time. It's got 79K on it. Needs it.

SO. No car. Riding the bike. Was just sick. Have to dress up for work this ENTIRE WEEK (well, except for Friday. Casual Friday), which means real slacks instead of jeans. Jeans are much better on the bike, thicker. BUT!
I am a good prairie dog in the cube farm. So I will wear my slacks, and look forward to....

Boots. How was that for a segue? BOOTS. I have ordered 2 pairs of boots, waiting with anticipation for sometime Friday when they should be delivered. I have a black pair (rather piratical if I do say so myself) and a red pair on the way. Yes, red. I'm such a hussy. And they're both heels. I can't wait. I love wearing heels now. Couldn't, for so very long, and now I can. Sic-un LIKES it when I wear heels...
Baby needs a new pair of shoes....
And hopefully, I'll still have some scratch left to go on the hunt for clothes with my Shark... She'll tell me the truth if something looks bad. I should have $ left. I left $700 in the standard account to play with, $200 now gone for the cables (gotta buy 2 because they're ONLY as an assembly), should leave me $500, now $100 gone on boots.
yeah, $100 with both pairs and tax and shipping. But still. Boots. And I measured my gargantuan calves, so they should fit really really nice. The black ones, that is. They've got a max circum. of 19 inches on the shaft, and mine, at its widest point, is 16 1/2. Add in a couple inches for ease and
They should fit.
Here's to boots and Little Blue. I want him on the road again. But that still leaves $400 or so, and another paycheck between now and shopping, I think...no. One right after? Sometime like. Oh well. I need new clothes. I'm fully justified in purchasing new shoes and clothes. Shoes are an ongoing issue-my newest pair before my red mary janes in November were my high clogs and they were 2 years ago, then... Tennies before that, before I left NM, and that was right after I bought the wedge penny loafers. SO. Out of the last 4 pairs I've bought, 1/2 of them were before I moved here to East TN. And I JUST started wearing the high clogs I had purchased about 10 years ago, BEFORE, when I was still living with Idiot and still worried about how large I'd appear next to his diminutive height....Gads! I'm glad I really do like tall men and he was just an aberration!

note to self-buy condoms.out of condoms, need to buy condoms....Sosu is now 18....Hm. And 6'2"... I'll post pictures from this weekend. Yes... (evil grin) He's now 18. I can post his picture (insert smile here)

Ohmy. Well, Happy New Year to you too!

Good morning!
I've had 3 hours sleep and I feel SPLENDID!
I was laid last night. Fucked. Messed up.
And due to the alcohol involved on their part(s), I'm the only one who came.

Oh, that's ni-
Wait. What?

J came up. LIIT* premixed in a ginormous bottle. I had been drinking already. I was cooking.
Pork chops.
Brined pork chops, braised with gravy, served with mashed and gravy and salad.
Gravy was good.
J has been saying for WEEKS (really!) he'll be coming up. He hasn't been up.
Let's rewind, shall we? J's ex spouse had a bun in the oven and it was indeterminate if it was J's baby or belonged to this other guy. Divorce waited until bun in oven was done so DNA tests could say whose it was. Make it a part of the divorce and all that, you know? "We have a paternity question, let's separate and see what we get on DNA, that way the divorce can have custody determination as well", basically. Child was born, paternity determined...
Not J's. But J has an incredibly busy life, working until 1 a.m., D&D and friends and well, a life.
So when he says "I'm planning on coming up this weekend", it's always with the unspoken "Unless" attached to it. D&D trumps hanging out, I'm told. I'm cool with this, but it means every statement of 'I'm coming up this weekend' is a 'wait and see, but don't hold your breath' type thing...When there has been a day off of D&D, a game always gets started by others in the group, you see. D&D trumps.

So when J called, he was invited to dinner.
Brined pork chops, braised with gravy, served with mashed and gravy and salad.
He brought the LIIT, I continued drinking.
Sic-un started drinking.
Switch was over and was drinking.
Things get a little blurry with my 2nd vodka-and. First it was vodka and punch, then when the punch went away, it was vodka and pepsi (sugar pepsi!!). Then LIIT.
I was well and truly lit. And things are a little blurry.
I pulled out the camera and took blurry pictures of everyone. No, you won't see them here. I don't have Photoshop to protect people's identities yet :D

Then things got blurry. It became 'Turn Darkneuro on' time. Random fondles from everyone.
I like random fondles. I wanted to sit on a lap somewhere, but honestly?
--One of my resolutions this year is to actually eat better and lose some of this weight.  I have taken off some in the size department (my size 20 jeans should REALLY be size 18, and all my work pants? Yeah, they're 20s too and should be 18s), but I don't have a scale and therefore can't tell you numbers.--
But I don't feel good about my body. I don't like my size and think of myself as larger than what I am. When the subject of sitting on someone's lap comes up, I tend to decline doing so. I'm heavy and don't want to crush or stop someone's circulation or anything like that. Even if they say it's good and they can do it and want to, it still makes me very conscious of my size, which puts a damper on everything.
So I declined to sit on anyone's lap.

Sic-un took my clothes off in the living room. Apparently, it took about 20 minutes to get my sweatpants off. Not due to anything like I was passed out or anything, but I didn't want to take my pants off, not right then. We had determined there was one condom in the house. Sic-un and I play pull-out, and I trust him with it. Switch? J? Condoms are necessary. Everyone is good with that, it's expected.
Due to the amount of alcohol ingested, Sic-un was kinda out for the evening for play-time. But wait! There's 2 other males in the house! That produced wood all around.
Switch and J and Sic-un discussed who would have me with the 1 condom.
Switch.
I missed him. He hasn't been in bed with me lately, he had a girlfriend he made a promise with. I allowed him that promise. Bed buddies should be just that, with either side ready and waiting to say "OK, you need this/that/the other thing? OK." He needed that promise, so OK. But I did miss him, my body missed him, and I told him so. I don't like not touching, not touching him. I like that freedom.
He was drinking, though. So where I had at least 7 orgasms (Sic-un kept count in the living room-I gave up counting a long time ago), he didn't have any, and he was ok with that. But we stopped after a bit and some cuddle time (I like pillowtalk with Switch. He's fresh). Went out to the living room.

I wanted liquid and a smoke and some time out.
Then J.
Yumyum.
He was too far gone to come himself, let me know pretty much right away. Such a pretty dick. Loved on that for a bit. Tonsils got pummeled. In the meantime, he's fondling me, fingering me, getting me off left and right. Then I moved between his thighs for an extended session. Sat on my heel. Every now and again, grind-grind and POW! There's another orgasm for Darkneuro.
Then liquid and a smoke and some time out once it was determined that since there was no further gifts from the condom fairy to be had and he couldn't plunder me.

Then Sic-un.
He gets so very turned on when I have others inside me. So very turned on. But the alcohol played against him. Me? BangAwaySally! Him? He was hurt when he realized I couldn't make him come. On my behalf.

He was hurting for me, wanted me to be completely and utterly pleased with the night and the burgeoning morning, wanted me completely satisfied, and because he thought I wasn't (but I was!), he hurt on my behalf.
Is it any wonder I love this man completely and utterly?

By then, it was about 6.
A.M.
Sic-un went to bed about 7. I went about 7:30. J left the house about 7:15. Switch dozed on the couch until I got up at 11 and told him to go to bed for a bit.
I have bruises on my arms (bite mark on 1, finger prints on the other), some red marks on my neck. My knees are sore, but that's because I crawled when I couldn't muster the balance to walk.
And I have been well and truly messed up.

Happy New Year!

I do have to say that this next image probably more accurately describes the year I'll have.....

See you on the flipside, people.


* Long Island Iced Tea-1 part each vodka, tequila, rum, gin, triple sec, sour mix, splash coke (although we DID use TEA-sweet tea. Sic-un made it. YUM!)

'Tis the season-

-al affective disorder! It's the only thing I can think of (other than my hormones are quite possibly completely out of whack and this is my PMS time? But I'm only just now getting OVER the last freaking one. YES, TMI. Deal with it. You've read me before if you're reading me now. You know 2 things: I am the queen of all the motherfucking tangents and I give way too much information.) and honestly...
It's giving me blue christmas too.
I say it's SAD because I'm noticing it more on the more cloudy days. It gets REALLY bad on the drives to work if it's cloudy. It's been cloudy to some degree all this week, and all last week, and the week before that, and it's supposed to get worse this weekend. I felt like this last winter...and the winter before that and the winter before that. And the first winter here in TN? In my apartment? With the really cool sink? Dearest Dear Reader, there were nights where I'd sit in my apartment and just cry because ...(you can insert a shrug here). There's no reason for me to be so UGH, and I can't really think of any particular things that make me just go off. I'm just getting more and more UGH feeling. I can't describe it any better than that. It's... It feels familiar and strange. I'm still kindof standing outside myself watching myself, like I do with PMS, but then there's the leeetle voice in my head saying "It's ok. You'll be fine. Just let it out. Good. Better. Sniffle, wipe your nose. Move on." I don't get that little voice with PMS. The little voice is usually too shocked with horror at my behavior if it's PMS, usually. And I don't know what will set me off.
People kill squirrels around here with cars. There are squirrel carcasses all over this town. I've seen people swerve to hit squirrels. Me? I like squirrels. I've been known to stop for squirrels. I won't feed them-too much of a chance of kitties in the neighborhood stalking the feeding station, but I won't intentionally run them down, you know? I sobbed on my way to work this morning over a squirrel laying in the middle of the road.
I was driving to work yesterday and started crying (get this) because it was Wednesday.
I was at the AD and doing a quality improvement thing and almost freaked out. Why? I chocked it up at the time that I was just tired, but I was just tired of the quality improvement thing. Not something to throw a fit over, you know?
And then add in Christmas. All of Christmas. The whole kit-n-caboodle that is the commercialized psuedo-religious holiday it's been for the last 150 years...
(ahem)
I finished the candy-making. No baking this year-I bake cookies all the fucking time.
I gave food gifts to people.
I gave kits with the most amazing bread recipe (foolproof meaning the loaf turned out better than just edible, it was DELICIOUS-and I've long bemoaned the fact that I suck at bread making) to people. 
Sic-un and Sos-u's gifts are all wrapped and waiting.
ET gets Optimus Prime (delivered today), Conman and the Princess' gift cards were last seen in the OakRidge post office parking lot Monday morning, falling gently into the slot marked 'Mail ONLY up to 13 ounces!' because I was slow getting out the door to work.
Christmas dinner is purchased and awaiting cooking (we're having ham, sweet potatoes, potato salad, green beans, salad and rolls), which I will be doing all day Christmas.
I have added to a tattoo arrangement I have with someone, to take place just on the 2nd.
My computer got sick, I healed it. It took 3 weeks, but I healed it.
I have not gotten the Gentleman from Virginia's package out to him (Wilde) yet. My beautimous Japanese shark will be getting a recipe book as soon as I get it together (all my cookie recipes. All. She deserves). 

I've managed to stay busy. It's not that I'm not doing anything or not occupying myself or anything like that. It's not "Bored, let's get depressed!" or anything. And I'm not picking myself apart, like I have been known to in the past. I'm just... I'm sad. I want sunshine. I want laughter.

I'm in a really good time right now, but the overwhelming urge to (no, not beat the crap out of someone) just sit down and cry and moan and wail just comes upon me sometimes. And Christmas adds to it. I miss my family. I miss...
I miss the sun a real angle at noon, like overhead? Or I'll even take a shadow 10 degrees either way at noon, really! Out here, at noon? 'Cause my first break usually comes right at or about noon? It's not overhead, not by any stretch of any imaginary friend's imagination.... My shadow that I cast? I would swear it was about 3 pm in Albuquerque based on that shadow. The sun is already at a funny angle, and when you fuck with its position due to the SEASON??? Ohboy.
The sun is disappearing on what little horizon line we have here by about 4 in the afternoon. It's dark by 5:30. There is no moonshine, there's too many clouds. I missed the eclipse! MISSED! Why? Why do you think they call them the Great Smokies? No, I didn't think of that before I moved out here. I was too enamored with getting ME back to notice. So I missed the eclipse. And no, pictures aren't the same.

I want to play "Lizard" in the sunshine on a concrete bench warmed by the sun for a few hours.

It's gotta be S.A.D.

I say I'm in a really good time right now because I feel very OK. Yes, I'm scattered, but I'm usually scattered to some degree or another. Sic-un and I are good. I haven't been talking sex for awhile because my period has been fucked up. Nothing for 45 days, then 2 weeks of nothing but. It kinda kills the mood, but hey! I'm not pregnant! AD is good, I'm in learning mode right now, so it's OK and being OK. I'm putting in the effort, at least. J may be by for the holiday -Please note: Sic-un has to work, period is all but over, so I may get a chance at another bounce session with him, which would be a GREAT present for the day, but even if it's a great present, it still won't make it a BAD day if I don't get it, you know? I'm feeling very ok.
And it's not booze, it's not other intoxicants, I'm just feeling very OK right now. I'm in a good place. But then I'll weep for no fuckin' reason and it's starting to really, really get to me when added in with the Christmas blues....

I just need more vitamin D, more sunshine, maybe some light therapy.

'Tis the season, after all.

Ohmeohmy....

I had a virus. YES! I had a virus. I just finished the system restore, and I'm missing stuff, but that's OK because I no longer have crap popups and misdirects and crap downloading itself like it's from Windows.

What pisses me off the most?
You know it was created by some script-kiddie in Mommy's basement pickin' his nose and waiting for the day when the world will REALLY recognize his genius... Because, you know, he considers himself to be an oldfag on whatever-chan he happens to gleefully post on.
Am I bitter? Yes. Yes, I am.
I just spent 3 fucking days copying my files to whatever flash drive I could find that would work to cart said files to Sic-un's computer to burn to CD. I ended up using my camera-as-flash-drive with its 256 mb card and Richard's old 128 mb card...at least before I ran out of batteries for the camera (and it was a week until payday and I'm BROKE!).
Why? 'Cause the virus ate up my drivers. Steadily. Almost like it was a caterpillar chomping through my hard-drive. So the DVD writer I have (such a SPIFFY! thing) didn't work, and every cd I tried to create failed miserably.
I had YEARS worth of artwork and music on my computer. YEARS....I had my entire CD collection entered, IDIOT BOY'S collection entered (all that Eno! Beatles! Yello!), 5 years worth of hunting up flash from every possible source (so much copy-lefting!)...
3 days to copy it over the long way.
grrrrrr.

BUT! I'm up and running once again. Now all I need is my Photoshop back and my Office back. Then....THEN...... MWAAHAHAHAHA...

In other news. Sosu still hasn't moved in. Sic-un dropped the bike while in the middle of a white-out (more or less) on Sunday afternoon (bruised to hell and gone, bike's fine except for the clutch handle. It's rather artistically curved now from the initial impact). Winter hit here in TN in a big way. Came out of the north, so we blame Canada here. Snowed most of Sunday, all of Monday. Icy roads. No, I didn't go to work Monday. I could have walked the full 5 1/2 miles, I suppose, but then I considered....
I'm a sedentary 40 year old who smokes.
Death does not become me. Still, I was going to walk the 1/2 mile or so down the hill to get a ride from one of the supervisors... That fell through.
So I called in. Went back to bed. Stayed warm. Ended up running some laundry and continuing to copy over the fucking files.

I get the feeling if I ever won the lottery, I'd be dangerous.

Alternate dimension (work) is having potluck and gift exchange (no more than $5, $10). I signed up for potato salad. Always a good thing to have/make. And my salad is good. Mako can attest to that, so can Sic-un. And J. And ....has Sosu had my potato salad?....Hmmmmm..... Anyway, I make it like the Mothership does. Great potato salad. And it's made the way Grandmothership did.
I carry on certain traditions with pride, potato salad just happens to be one of them.
That takes place on the 23rd.
I have yet to do any Xmas shopping. I'll have to pay for shipping, I know. But that's the easy thing. And only 1 thing, really....2 things. Grandma's Music in Albuquerque will ship to my Conman... And Amazon will ship to the ET.
Yes, Little Sis. I'm going to call him ET. Get used to it.
Kid likes Transformers. Kid will get Transformers. Optimus Prime. The big one. The one I wanted, you know? But better because manufacturing got a lot more detailed in the intervening 25 years. That one. ET gets it. Princess is getting a gift card. She'll be able to buy whatever she wants. She's a girly girl who understands shopping, I've been led to understand.
Sosu... I know what he's getting, and Sic-un too. Everyone else is going to get cooking things. Really! Things like "Add one beer of your choice to create a delish loaf of beer bread!" and have the ingredients with a loaf pan and instructions.... Or the ingredients and a cookie scoop, "Here's my chocochip recipe. Enjoy!". Things like that.
Not just because I'm poor and want to give to my universe-dwellers but can't really afford to go on a spending spree, but also because I *like* to cook and I want other people to like to cook too, you know?
I've even considered writing a cookbook of sorts.
I would have to measure stringently, methinks. And that's a little too straight-laced when you get down to it.

I have purchased myself something. It was pure feel-good shopping, I admit.  I ended up going to sockdreams and getting a set of socks and their industrial garter belt. Industrial because it's purely very no-nonsense. Rather utilitarian and stern, heavy duty black elastic. The socks are over the knee (which on me should be 1/2 way up the thigh) and a chevron pattern. They're pretty. I still need to wash them so I can wear them. I also want more from the store... Some of their heavier knit items. Warmer socks. Long socks.

And with that, I think I'm headed to a warm bath. My bones are feeling chilly tonight.

Ooh, I have a dirty, dirty heart....

Comparisons can do WONDERS for my disposition at the strangest times. First, MINE.

I have finished! NaNoWriMo. I'm not posting the story here. I've considered it at great length, actually. It is posted elsewhere under my real name, so if you can find it, you're welcome to read it that way. HOWEVER... there is a such thing as an email, guys.  If you want the doc, lemme know. I'd recommend it, and I'm not saying that 'cause I wrote it. I'm actually not thrilled with the ending, but was afraid of really letting loose and then having to edit heavily. I will probably still redo the end a bit. I am, though, talking about as a reader. I have actually gone back and read it JUST for the story. Did that this past weekend, read it again just for the reading...

It's been cold and rainy, then sunny and crisp, then dreary and raining and ...UGH. Mother Nature must still need Prozac. It's affecting my mood. The alternate dimension has been... lackluster? Yeah, good word for it. Just kinda... blah. I haven't been feeling *great* lately, you know? And my computer has caught a bug, quite a serious bug. I now have to reformat (but don't want to w/o a restore disc-ordered and supposedly on its way- and my program discs from the MotherShip). The house is still a wreck, I can't seem to muster the drive or the energy to clean it all up. I'm supposed to be starting on a piece for a girl from the AD this upcoming weekend. Nervous as hell about it, considering postponing. I don't have 2 small bits done on it, and just.
UGH, you know?
And S.o.s-u is moving in 'sometime'. Yes, yes, the 'spare room' is now going to be 'S.o.s-u's room'. He's 17, as I think I've mentioned. And a clothes horse, and a walking stomach. SO. Water bill/amount of laundry/food bill just expanded. I'm OK with it. I get it. I (mostly) understand the dynamics behind it, but I really hope nobody (and I do mean NOBODY) is looking to me to provide any kind of 'parenting'. I can word things well. I give great advice. HOWEVER, I am permissive, overly so, and the fact that he's just so cute doesn't help much, you know?

I'm a sucker for a pretty face.

Which brings me to my dirty heart and how I like to make it feel good. You see the above figure, right? NaNo's, I mean? It's 66704. Finished on the 23rd. Not to brag (oh, hell, I'm bragging, baby!), but 16704 over the 50K 'finish line'.
Ahem. Idiot is apparently in Nano this year, too. As of just a few minutes ago? It's now the last day to write. It's the 30th, it's the end of the month. Let's bask in someone else's lack of follow through, shall we?

The thing speaks for itself.

With that, g'night!

Writing...

I'm writing again. I took on the NaNoWriMo challenge once again. Last time was in 2005. Didn't complete, didn't really compete, either. Too much going on personal life. Same with 2004. Not only did I have all the shit going down with the idiot, I also had the idiot insisting on 'outdoing' me. I was constantly asked how much I had written, but wasn't given any real time to write. There was always something that needed doing. I had forgotten about it by the time I moved here. That first November, I was already seeing Sic-un and wrapped up in a new relationship. The second, I had just moved in and was looking forward to cooking my own Thanksgiving dinner. Time went on and NaNoWriMo became something that I had 'tried but failed so why try?' 6 days before this Halloween, I saw a blurb on it over on boingboing.net (I think).

I thought about it. Did I have the desire to do it, to make a serious attempt at writing something? Well, yes. I've half-way plotted my way through several things. Did I have the time? Well, DUH. I'm not on the computer doing something useful, you know, not even entertaining. I actually spend quite a bit of my time being entertained by my computer. Sites I'll go to, games I'll play, Teh IntarWeb exists as an alternative to the squawk box. So, yeah, I do have the time. I'm up until 2:30, 3 most nights anyway. Rather than play stupid games all night, might as well write something.
I decided I'd do it, signed up on the 27th of October. I set up a profile, then set up an outline, character maps, everything. It was supposed to be some sort of Herman's Head type thing, a conflagration of the id, ego and superego warring it out to see who would come out on top, introducing such characters as The Clerk, who really does live in my brain. He's an unassuming chap, believes in the power of the bow-tie to make it serious. Yes, he wears the suspenders instead of a belt. He also is prematurely balding because I keep making him run all over at top speed chasing tangents. He's ripping his hair out, Dear Reader.

I started writing on November 1. The outline and characters and the barest hint of plot of what I was doing all went straight out the window. It flew, Dear Reader, simply flew. As fast as I can type, I had a firm plot and several characters and histories. I had HISTORIES in just a matter of an hour or so. I'm now better than 1/2 way through the 50K words. I have absolutely no fear I will reach that goal. The story is a bit longer than that, I'm thinking, but Sic-un is insisting the right to reclaim a portion of me after the first 50,000. I'm moving fast enough with it and it's coming easily enough that I'm actually kindof freaked out about it.

So what's it about? I can hear the question now. That's a little harder to explain. Keep in mind my intentions were to write a wry little commentary on how insular we have become through general fiction.

The 2 remaining serial killers from a family of serial killers-who are also hardcore pornographers-kidnap Kira to be their latest 'actress'. Through a combination of drugs and Stockholm Syndrome, Kira, a young graphic designer, starts falling for one of her tormentors.

That's where I'm at. 31K in. And no, it's not safe for work. NO, REALLY. It's PORN. If you have any knowledge of ASSTR's story codes, it's going to end up being:
MF, M+/F, F/b, M/m, MM, FF, Mdom, Fdom, bi, nc, inc, ped, tort, rp, anal, size, b/d, s/m, toys, fist, best, sn

I didn't set out to write porn. And when I sit down to write, I will literally start typing and my brain goes off someplace else. It really kinda feels like someone else is writing it. Maybe it's the Clerk's frustrations at my tangents.

So that's what I'm up to. I'll post it here when I'm at 50K, ok? I don't think that'll take much longer.

All Hallow's aftermath and November.

...or shall I say NaNoWriMo? I'm trying it again this year. Failed first attempt in 2005? 2004? Something like. I was still with Idiot and trying hard to not lose my mind. I'm all together this year, so perhaps that will make the difference.

So how did I do today? Seeing how it IS the first of Nov, and the day after Halloween and I was incredibly busy today, I'm very impressed with myself. I may still write more if I get bit again by it, but right now I'm sitting pretty at 1718 words reported, 2811 done (I reported, then had to get out a bit more), and 2 chapters kicked out. What's it about? Well, see, that's the hard part...
I don't have an outline.
Well, I don't. I started an outline. I did. I was going to introduce the world to the people that live in my head: Marge and Harvey, The Clerk, all of them. I had it outlined...
And then I remembered a dream I had a bit ago and it wasn't a pleasant dream. It was rather dark and rather scary, and unfinished...The bladder woke me up before I was done with the dream. Best analogy would be 'rape fantasy', but it's not. It was a dream, an unpleasant dream (to say the least) and no... There was no enjoyment out of it. But there is a story there. And since it saw fit to bite me hard enough to make me discard an outline and characters pre-made? I'll run with it and see where I end up.
I just hope I can be....ruthless? It'll work. Ruthless enough to write 50K on the subject.  I will be posting excerpts when I get some chunks under my belt. I will say it's rough. ROUGHrough. One of the things that got me last time was the on-the-fly editing. That's not happening with this one. I will spell-check, and I am going back through every 20 minutes or so and re-reading. Re-working bits to make them work the way they're being written in my head as opposed to how my fingers are typing it. In some cases, surprisingly enough, I'm keeping the way my fingers are typing instead of what's in my head...that doesn't usually happen.
Usually, I write as if I were reading a book. It's flowing better with this one, and going in without a plan, with only the barest hints of a plot from a 1/2 remembered dream... I really have no expectations. I'm seeing if I can do it, that's all.

KE posted recently about not writing. And not writing scares me. So. NaNoWriMo.
***
All Hallow's was... Vaguely depressing. I ended up going to 2 haunted houses... The first was at Cherokee Caverns, a cave system very close to us. Sic-un didn't want to go, Sos-u did. It was fun, got some good ideas for my non-existent haunted house and since all proceeds went to the Caverns (main/only fund raiser of the year and it's completely volunteer run), it was a good cause.
The second was Saturday night, at Sos-u's school. It was actually better than the Cavern, but I'm still going to pick it apart. Yes, it sounds cheesy and it was a good HH, but still... I wasn't scared. I was actually laughing through it. It doesn't really work if people keep asking you 'Are you scared?' as they're trying to scare you. And it didn't help that the (I think cheerleading team) was dressed as 'nurses' and were supposed to read a script as you went through. None of them could project one iota, at least as far as I could see. The script was pretty good, patter about how the high school used to be a mental institution, and it was a good setting for it. The school appears to be from the 40's or so, perhaps as early as the 20's, but I'm not sure on that. It's solid, institutional... A good setting. Good idea, OK execution, needs some work.
Sos-u was in full makeup, called Sic-un daddy-o which was cute.
I carved yesterday, made up the last of the pumpkin from 2009 into a fluffy pie. Here's the lantern....

And here's the pie....

I kinda figured out why my pumpkin pie is fluffier, especially in mouth-feel, than anything my mom has turned out. It's all in the order of ingredients. She uses the Libby recipe, I use the Libby recipe. She uses homemade puree, so do I. Slightly different spices (I add more ginger, some allspice, and more cinnamon than the recipe calls for), but spice won't affect texture this way. So I paid attention this time.
I discovered I don't like the way the recipe is put together. They want you to stir the sugar and spices together in a separate bowl, then in your big bowl, beat eggs lightly, add pumpkin and spice/sugar mix, then evap milk.
Result? Tight, dense pumpkin pie.
Sugar, although a DRY ingredient, tends to act like a liquid. It is hydroscopic, will dissolve rapidly, and although you have tiny little grains, doesn't hold shape in any discernible manner. Eggs, although a wet ingredient, are indeed a fat and an emulsifier. Evap milk? Fat. Pumpkin puree? It's wet. SO. Seeing as how the only DRY ingredients are the spices, why would you mix those and sugar together then lump everything?
I whip my eggs until they are light yellow and ribbony, then add the sugar to whip it up. Get it fluffy. Stream in the evap milk, which gets fluffy too. Then the spices so they're evenly distributed, then the pumpkin puree. Pour it out, cook it up.
Fluffy pumpkin pie is worth the change in the order.
According to my Joy of Cooking, you can even whip evap milk and sugar into something like whipped cream. So it makes sense to whip it all first to fluffy. Oh, and I added a teaspoon or so of vanilla. It counterpoints the spice and pumpkin and warms everything up in a MOST interesting manner. The vanilla is added with the pumpkin.
***
And since it is now November 2, I have to go to work in a few hours. Enjoy your day, Dear Reader!

And once again...

I check in feeling like utter crap. Haven't started on the booze yet. Nor juice...But I have started decongestants and vitamins and we'll see how that goes for right now.

So what happened? I last checked in starting a headcold on 9-14. I can honestly say I didn't feel even moderately okay until around the first of October. Then my period hit... Not bad, but not really enjoyable. It was like getting hit in the lower abdomen repeatedly for about 1/2 a day, then... I wish they could all be that easy. I did have some trepidation this month. Last year, on 10-2, I started the Period From Hell. It lasted one full month, and it was heavy. I suffered no ill effects, apparently, but I still worried Mom Nature might get perverse and whammy me again.

Thank biology, didn't happen. Instead, I could look forward to the next weekend.  I had a really great weekend filled with going out and being social animals and just simply all sorts of sex (I got a new toy and had a willing partner to try it out with), some evidence of which still exists on my body.  Give someone carte blanche and they leave a pale yellowing bruise about 1/2 an inch across.  I love being me sometimes!

I have made a friend in the Alternate Dimension. And she's alternate, really. But in a cool way. Although she is cute and has red hair, there is no sexual attraction. I find myself wanting her as a friend. And my Japanese shark... She has found much happiness and I wish her much, much more. She is actually the reason for the newfound social activity. And yeah... Alternate Dimension bled over into my reality, my own time off... Work buddies? Hell...My bosses were there.

And I got drunk.
Kinda sorta really drunk, but not puke-y drunk...Weave-y happy drunk.
Drunk enough to get a rug burn (light!) on my knee and know how I got it there. It's really very simple. At the time it happened, it was easier to crawl into the bedroom instead of walking. Walking was a little... Off. Crawling? Piece of cake!
None of which was public. Public, I got hit on by my direct boss' date for the evening. Wasn't in the mood for a good ol' boy. He was the 1/2 drunk, wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am, gets grope-y and just....Boozy-type... Ew. No thank you. We were celebrating the upcoming LUMP-hood of a friend and her man. It was worth celebrating. I did have a designated driver. Sos-u was up, so he drove home.
Boy can't drive stick worth shit.
No hangover the next morning.

Now I have one more week of work to get through (as of 8 minutes ago, it was 115 1/2 hours). Then I have a miraculous 10 days off. Saturday the 23rd through Monday November 1... Yeah, through. I'm taking off the day after the most important holiday of the year (to me. TO ME).

Which begs the question...

What to do for the pumpkin this year?
I really don't have anything in mind. Really. Well, there was the possibility of doing a tattoo machine on it. But that's not Halloween.
SO.
What to do for the pumpkin... I don't know what size I'll get (I want pumpkin for at least 1 pie and some bread!), and think I wanna go somewhat traditional, but maybe not if the design is nifty enough.
Anyone have ideas?
For your viewing pleasure....

Halloween for....2007? 2008? One of them, I think.

It is now September...

...school is back in session, although that means (at best) I have to slow down when the little light blinks. Thanks to my schedule at work, that ain't gonna happen.

Tires are repaired, replaced, fixed, et cetera et cetera et cetera. To the tune of $400, but they're fixed. I will say this for the shop: They came across a problem, said 'We can fix it for X amount, or we can not fix it and just do what you asked. What would you like us to do?'.... Since it was a sway bar that needed straightening, I said yes. So another $100 and it made it $400. Not shabby, although we did put rent off until this paycheck.

The good news is S.o.s-u isn't going to be here for dinner Saturday. Sounds silly, but... We're having steak. And if I don't have to plan sides enough to feed the 17-year-old stomach-on-legs, then that's cool. I can get 2 ears of corn for me and Sic-un and salad enough for us and there's dinner, 'cause it can all be grilled outside. I'm not in the mood for potatoes, but that's me. Dinner Friday will be pizza or Venice take-out or something.

I'm not hungry. Of course, it is that time of the month so my stomach is fucked anyway. And it's especially bad this session. Cramping to the point of painful to walk and gee... here's a MUSCLE RELAXANT (Flexeril) that DOESN'T WORK.... Yeah. 10 mg of Flexeril and I can say it didn't really work. It made me feel a bit drunk, but I can do that with the vodka in the freezer and the beer in the fridge. But 2 days of debilitating cramps (tears, mostly, fetal position, mostly) and feeling like the world's biggest wuss....

Look, I can take a fucking tattoo needle and impale my own skin with it repeatedly and SMILE while I'm doing it. Yet I can't smile through cramps that feel like a fucking knife is being thrust repeatedly into my lower abdomen. And it's not something that you can really say 'oh, well, stretch it out, walk it off'... Doesn't work that way. I feel like a wuss for giving into the pain. I should be better than that. I should be able to smile and walk through it...
So I feel wussy.

But I am going to work tomorrow. I didn't go today, or yesterday (kinda detrimental to have to hunch over to walk anywhere), but I will go tomorrow. I don't want a written for attendance, but I'll accept another verbal, and that's what this will be.

Anyone want a barely used uterus? I'll sell you mine, cheap!

Let's ask Dante!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

*sniff*
Gramma would be so proud of me!
Not really. She would be mortified, like any other dearly loved old lady would be. Very low on Limbo. How low can you go? How low can you go?
Very low...
Sorry. Mind wanders.

My mind has been wandering into strange places, lately. Firstly, the tire saga...
Monday morning, bright and early at 9 the a of the m, I get to give the tire place here approximately $300 for a set of 4, all inclusive. How do I know it's all inclusive? 'Cause that's one of the many benefits of having a member of the GBN* as a partner... He does the dirty work of calling the tire place to make sure I don't get another "Ohhh, we can align for $220....No? Hm.... $165." craptastic experience. All inclusive means: Tires (new), balanced, installed, aligned, stems, disposal fees, aligned... I will have wheels once again that don't go thumpathumpathumpathumpa when I decide I wanna go over 45mph.And the alignment portion is $60. Not $165.
So once the tire saga was brought gently into holding pattern until the tense-ness of the trip to the tire place Monday morning (one tire is showing a smidge of cord...It hasn't gone anywhere since discovered), one's mind turns to what money one will have deposited on Friday when one is SERIOUSLY short-timing it until her mini-vacation of 5 days off. One estimates one will have enough to pay her part of the rent, and tires, and not much freakin' else.

But one will have tires that don't make strange noises.

It's annoying to hear myself in the third person in my head reading this back to myself. I made a comment about the various voices in my head over on the ever-popular FB. Yes, yes, tell me everything bad about it. It's a cheap (read that as "free") and easy way to keep in touch with the entire family all at once.** I've spoken here before, I think, about the voices in my head. I've added some new ones. Some are easily explained (which first came out as esplained for some reason... No, I'm not Ricky Ricardo. I can't mambo...Although the old Spanish woman named Inez comes out in my head when I'm cooking with the chiles), some are childishly explained by a graphic, some are a phrase or characters I picture while actions are taking place ("Make it so!" was Picard's catchphrase. Can't read it without his voice in my head. There's a ballplayer in my head who does a fist pump after catching a fly ball. You draw the scenario, that's the reaction to a fly ball). I've also added the narrator from DungeonKeeper to my repertoire. FB... You like this. And yes, I do like some things.

Then the mind wanders to what I like...

Dare I say I like kissing? Ooooh, and yes, there's a list, and you know the list. C'mon...
Who have I kissed recently? Sic-un, obviously. Sos-u.. (gasp! Yes, I think I did... Let me see... well, the 4th of July. Kissing was part of it. MYGOD/DESSwhatakisser), Switch. J...but I have hopes I can teach J to kiss. Emulation. Example. "No. Hold still. Let ME kiss YOU. Relax." I can do that. He brushes his teeth. Idiot never learned because Idiot never brushed his teeth. Lots of lip-sucking, lapping, not so much tongue-twining, old-timey mash-em up.... Hot kissing. Want.

And then the days off....necessary. SO.Very.Necessary.... It's not the Alternate Dimension. It's the insomnia and the increased libido and the voices... I have to turn off for a little bit. I have to ink. I want to finish my fan. I wanna fuck. I wanna kiss. I wanna get messed up and get messy. I wanna make more chili...food and sex. Sex and food and art and kissing and fucking...

Sorry. Tangent. You see where my mind has been wandering lately? 

Jump back up to FB and the voices in my head... One of my cousins put it the way I dread it being thought about... "You're weird." And J... I put on his shoes for him. One of those stupid little things I like to do, like a phrase I read once that I hear Henry Rollins saying in my head...'wipe your spent cock very neatly.' I do things like that and...
I'm weird... He meant it in a good way, but still.
I want to blend, to a certain degree. I want to function in society until I can escape it. I go off in my dreamland, and that IS my escape, at least until I win that huge pile o' money I keep dreaming about.

Which is why I think about Dante's 7 levels and think he got it wrong...
Something to think about it.
But low on 'Limbo'. I don't believe in 'Hell', as an opposite to 'Heaven'. And I think we all make our own 'Hell'. Mine is apparently fed on insomnia and an overachieving libido.



*GBN=Good ol' Boy Network... It means I don't get shafted for being 'the little woman' in a very male-centric part of the country.

**On the subject of FB: I'll consider adding you as a friend. But don't be offended if the answer is 'No.' And please put any requests to that nature with a little 'I know you from' statement. If I don't get that, I ask for it. You get placed in limbo until I get an answer for that question. Oh. Limbo can be anywhere from 12 to 48 hours. No answer, no soup for you. And it's entirely arbitrary. And if it works the way I have it set up, you gotta know my real identity.

http://secret-identity.net/