a call in the dark....

...come back to us!!!
 From Coopernicus.

I heeded the call. It has, after all, been since Halloween. We had zero trick or treaters. ZERO. Nicht. Nada. Zip. Nothing.  I was (vaguely) disappointed, but this is the Bible Belt...Or the buckle thereof. Pick your bit of the belt, how's that?
Then a zip through November, fraught with various illnesses and malaise, a trip to the ER for my painted man, headcolds and stomach viruses all around...  I do work in a call center. It is on par with a daycare for illnesses. A good Thanksgiving was had (we had guests! J2&TRex(with baby bump in tow!) showed up unexpectedly). I think I should just get used to the fact that nobody RSVPs, and if I invite people over, I should just plan for a crowd and clean accordingly.  Got responses on Samhain and nobody showed up. No responses for Turkeyday and we had guests. Go figure. So I'm just going to remember 'If you invite them, they may come', and not wait for a 'Yes, I'll be there' to run a vacuum and put up my laundry piles.
I also managed to complete another NaNoWriMo, and I'm still writing it. Reliquary of Dreams. Time travel. If you want the link, EMAIL ME and I'll hook you up.

So that brings us to December in this listing of things and stuff. December. Cold. I think of December and I think 'It's going to be cold. Very cold. All the light will go away and it will be cold.' The light goes away because it's at the wrong angle in the sky to begin with here... having your golden orb hanging about 10 degrees off what it should be (subjectively) isn't fun at all and messes with my sense of time. But it hasn't been cold. Up until the last 2 weeks or so, we've been warm. Warm. 60's warm. But I still got sick. Still have the chest part of it, too. I was an early adopter of this particular cold (one of the supervisors just came down with it), getting it on the 8th...How do I know? Because I stayed home on the 9th (aced out on that one-thought I was calling in sick only to hear there were system issues and everyone was home). Then I missed the 12th, too. Still ill. Then it settled into a chest cold (it's not bronchitis...not severe enough-just a continuing cough) and there it sits, still gathering & clearing my winter sniffles.

Then, my stress levels went through the roof. As if it weren't enough (not to sound like I'm whining, but it feels like I'm whining and maybe I am, but I don't want to-does that make sense???) that money is tight not only due to the economy in general-
tangent: Milk here, whole milk, is at $3.58 a gallon. WHAAAA? 2 years ago, it was $2.19 a gallon. shakin' my head, i'm shakin' my head...
-not only due to the economy in general, but I've been sick, Sic-un's been sick (including his trip to the ER), so hours spent at work are down-which creates less money- the circle means it's tight...
Then I get a call from my dad. on...the 15th? 16th? one of the 2.
Mom's in the hospital. She couldn't breathe, so they took her in. Admitted. They took two liters of fluid out of one of her lungs. Yeah. Hold a 2 liter bottle up to your chest. Now. Drain that from one lung. Yeah.
They run their tests. She tells me Monday they found 'spots'. No more information, just 'they found spots' and 'more tests'. My anxiety and panic attacks start. Brief little random attacks of the little guy in my skull freaking out on me...I breathe and they go away. So I'll be ok, Mom'll be OK, not a problem, we got this.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011, I found out my mother has lung cancer.

Here's your kiss and punch, kiddo: It has not metastasized, but it's very aggressive. Oooh, more passive-aggression: Your mother will be having chemo for Christmas, radiation on her birthday (NYE...grampa's little tax deduction). Per my father.
It wasn't until i spoke to my sister 3 days later that I found out what was really going on. Still a 1-2 punch combo, but not nearly as dire as Dad made it.
Yes, it's aggressive. No, it has not metastasized. It responds very well to chemo. Stage 1. Stage 1. Small-cell sarcanoma. Her lung started filling up with fluid again, so they sent her to ICU with a respirator and a drain. She was getting enough oxygen, just not expelling enough CO2.  They started the chemo, it has been responding. All plusses. ALL PLUSSES. Potentially out of the hospital this weekend. She does chemo for 6 months on a 21 day rotation, light radiation to protect her brain and other internals from any radicals after the chemo is finis, she'll be good. They've found dead cancer cells in the fluids she's been getting rid of. The doctor says the fluid expulsion is basically her body fighting it the only way it can.
All is good on the Mom front, right?

I feel like I'm losing my mind.  The anxiety attacks have become almost a daily happenstance. Out of nowhere, the little guy in my head starts screaming for Momma....My heart pounds, my breathing becomes labored, I start to sweat, my stomach knots, sounds go wonky and my vision blurs because I've suddenly teared up. This morning's episode lasted somewhere around 4 hours... About 15 minutes before I left the house, here comes the shakes and the thought 'Ok, slow down. Stop. Just be still, breathe' because I know all hell is about to break loose in my skull and I can't control it and it's going to go physio...
I have to coach myself through my calls so I don't start berating the customers. My smile is plastered on my face like so much makeup if anyone who isn't an intimate friend looks at me. I have to count my breathing because otherwise I start hyperventilating. People standing around me talking makes me want to curl up and scream with my hands over my ears. Little things are becoming big things. We're switched to stadium seating for a few weeks while reorganization of the teams takes place-Oh.My.God. It's just a seat switch, right? Not working for me. Not working at all. Other phonepads don't sound right. They have a buzz. This chair sucks, that one does too. This computer is slow. I want my old seat back. 'We switched to stadium seating' becomes 'Why the fuck did you let that snotty little fucking lisping cow sit in MY SEAT?!?!' Little becomes big. Someone annoys me, just their voice or mannerism or hell, they BREATHE and it kills me for a couple of days. I get a coaching ('you did this wrong') and I want to quit. The only thing that's preventing me from it is that I really don't want to go looking for another job, and, well... Back to money.
I can't afford missed work. I can't afford a shrink (even with insurance). I can't afford a doctor, frankly. I don't have a primary, so I'm left with the stupid 'take care' clinic that's great for diagnosing a sinus infection, but pretty much useless for anything else. So I'm self-medicating when I'm off work and aum-aum-aum-ing my way through each. fucking. workday. Because I can't call in to make myself better, and I can't afford a doctor to make me better.
And I still owe the hospital for my ER bill from JULY when I had my toe xrayed.
And someone ran into Lancelot while I was in the store getting sodas and beer a couple nights ago. Lovely little dent by the driver's door, towards the rear. Some old lady from 2 rows over said she saw it and 'he just drove away before I could pull out a pen for his license plate'.
Thanks. My one possession worth any money at all and now it's severely damaged. It was his best saving grace...He didn't have any body damage. Well, that's fucked now.
Christmas really really sucked this year. Sic-un did get me a new mouse. I loves it. HE got new slippers and a shirt and some new hats. I gave my other loves baked goods and candy. It's all I could really afford.

So stress is through the roof and the insomnia is worse and I feel like crap and I want to just huddle in a ball and cry for a month on my momma's lap.

How are you?

http://www.signs-of-stress.com/images/StressSymptoms.gif

argh.

i have no idea what to write...
I can talk about J flabbergasting me this evening by telling me I have him wrapped around my little finger if I want to assert that...
I don't know how I feel about this, it just flabbergasted me. And I'm still a bit poleaxed over it.... I don't like that kind of control over people. I don't like giving people that kind of control over me and I don't like having that kind of control. I made a pithy comment about 'Autonomy!' and left it at that, which was decidedly unsatisfying.
What do you tell people that say (in effect) "You have huge amounts of power over me"?

The alternate dimension is grating on me lately. We got a new supervisor of supervisors. I would say no big deal, but you know how you can just feel that someone doesn't like you and will never like you, that you just rub them the wrong way so it's best if you stay out of direct contact? Yeah...doesn't work so well if they're above the person above you.
You start wondering if everything you do is wrong or if your job is in jeopardy because you might have said or done something months and potentially years ago to piss off the big boss. It's been stressful, to say the least. And it's all well and good to say 'take a day off', but apparently, I can't even do that properly. Sic-un has been hollerin' to gather up PTO and take a 'real' vacation next year. So I requested time off as unpaid. Denied. Ok. So I can't take time off unless it's paid. OK... So now I have to take all time off as paid and there goes any vacation plans for the future because my attendance at the place is shit. As soon as one absence rolls off, I manage to get another one. I've been on 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 absences for a fucking year now. So I'm trying to get my attendance cleaned up so I CAN call in for the bullshit days, when I really can't muster up the bubble, you know? And yes. Attendance counts. Each absence stays on your record for a month, if you don't call in for a month, you get 1 absence off. So what's been happening with mine, you may ask. I got it down to 2 1/2 and then headache. Or cramps so bad I can't move. Or car fucked up, or broken toe or sick... It counts unless I go to the doctor (money I can't afford) and get a note and a 'return to work by' date..

And the stress...it weighs heavily.

It's all coming down to money, unfortunately. I keep hoping to win the jackpot (faithfully buying $5 in tickets every payday), and realize I won't, but I can hope to get it. I was going to take Monday & Tuesday off to go find a couch since I have to shop for it and arrange for delivery and all that... That's what I was denied. The reason? Oh, well, you have the weekends to go shopping.
I didn't ask for your validation of my reason. I asked for approval to not show up to work and get something done that needed done.

I'm just having a bad time of it. I'm under stress and not sleeping and not hungry for food, although I'll take junk food at any time, apparently. I"m poor and I hate my job and I want to have FUN and there isn't a whole lotta fun. I've just got a lot of people wanting to use me as a sounding board and nobody wants to hear me. "OOOh, I've got this new gaming group up even though you have no interest in this particular game, I'm going to wax poetic about it for your entire break!' Thin smile and no interest doesn't work. I'm going to have to be direct and blunt and I hate to be direct and blunt. I suck at it. I stammer and my face turns red and it's embarrassing-the blushing, not the tasks- to have your face go bright red at a moment's notice.


So. Stress. And no...just to forestall any helpful suggestions: A stress ball does NOT work for this. I'm gonna have to tough it out. But thanx for listening I appreciate it.

Something about Wednesday...

Yes, Dear Reader, I know it's Thursday. It's actually 9:11 am on Thursday, and I've been up since 6:45. Awake since 6:38. Sitting here, in the quiet morning, it occurred to me that my worst insomnia days are Wednesdays. I took a muscle relaxant last night, threw a Mike's on top, and it still took me forever to be tired enough to fall asleep... I went to bed at 2:15 this morning, after waking up at 7:50 Wednesday morning. 4 1/2 hours of sleep.
I don't like this. I really don't like my insomnia and long for the days where I could sleep for 14 hours and then take a nap a few hours later. It makes me tired and grouchy and just colors the day ick.
I also realized I don't really eat on Wednesdays... We may have had pasta last Wednesday... We were planning on pasta last night. Then I got home, Sosu wasn't here, texted him-no, he wasn't going to be home, but he scrubbed the bathtub-and I decided I just wasn't hungry. Later, I had some popcorn with parmesan-no butter (Sosu had the last of it the other day. Payday is tomorrow. Grocery shopping is either Friday night or Saturday morning.) and just wasn't hungry. Then pasta last week, week before that I'm sure was something quick, dirty and just graze. Tracking my food made me realize my diet is still shit, but not for what I'm eating...it's how I'm eating. I don't, typically, get enough calories. I'm just not hungry.
I wonder if the 2 are related, the insomnia and not eating, but the superstitious side of me screams "It's because it's WEDNESDAY, you idiot!"
I always have vague feelings of doom Wednesday mornings. The old poem says Wednesday's child is full of woe. Slight problem...I was born on a Tuesday. That's a laugh. I am NOT graceful. But doom-y days of the week aside, Wednesdays are usually when bad things happen for me.
I've been having car trouble lately, Lance doesn't want (yes, I named 'it' 'Lance', thereby changing 'it' from sexless to male) to keep his alternator belt on without a whole lot of checking, fussing, tightening and cursing. I've also been late to Alternate Dimension 2x because of him. Monday I took a do-over. I just said 'Do Over'. Yesterday, I ended up working over to make up for it so it doesn't count.
Maybe it's stress. I don't really have huge amounts to be stressed over, though. We have food, there's a roof over our heads, we're making our bills. What worries?
Yes, I'm being sarcastic. Prices have gone sky high. Milk, just a couple years ago, was $2.58 a gallon. Now? $3.59. At it's cheapest. And yes...I do shop around. I have also started using coupons. And trying for discount gas on my shopper's card. The dryer went out, and the couch is almost unusable. Lance keeps freaking out here and there (and I *really* cannot afford a car payment. I have $20 in my checking account right now, and $10 on the table. That's it. Really REALLY cannot afford a car payment) and is just more cause for bits of stress and worry... Sic-un. He worries me. He hurts, I can do nothing about it, and it just...
I love him. I worry about him. Sosu. Worry about him. I worry about all the people I love, really. Kinda bites sometimes, but you suck it up and deal, right? And I know it's hard all over, most people are going paycheck to paycheck, and I say I'm lucky I have no house payment-rent means no property taxes, either- no car payment, I'm not in debt up to my eyeballs (I owe $240 on a credit card and I owe the hospital $150 for my ER visit last month), I have food, I can cook, I can get another job if I have to (don't particularly want to, because the job market does suck), but..I'm pretty lucky. I will acknowledge I have stress.

But still... I wonder... What the hell is it about Wednesday?

Good evening! Or, 8 Talking Points

...and I say Good Evening because it IS still evening. 11:38 by this little clock in the corner. When I notice it as 12...something, I'll say Good Morning. That way, you'll know how long it takes me write and exactly how verbose I can be. I'll also be referencing 1 or 2 back posts here, just to bring you all (3? or are we down to 2?) up to speed.

First... I'd like to request a rollcall. Who's still reading? Even an 'Anon' comment will be welcome.

2. Yes, I've been 4channed. Blame it on Sic-un. He started back on /b/ and got me into /b/ (until he got the 2nd ban laid upon our widdle heads), then I turned to /ck/ and then, finally, to /fit/.
Why?
Well, back here, I posted I thought I had 1 good chance to right the wrongs I've done to my body. That still holds true. As a matter of fact, (ahem)
(drumroll?)

3. I have lost 13 pounds.
(thank you)
At least, when I'm not PMSing. I've been doing cardio (one of the Gazelles, and before you kick me for doing it, it's not a treadmill, you can do SOME different movements on it and I can do a partial squat to work the quads), stepping it up gradually, and on Tuesday last I started up Convict Conditioning, which really is a series of bodyweight lifts designed to work on form. The conditioning gradually makes itself harder, not only changing the form of the exercises but also the length and the duration. For instance, if you start out the pushups by doing wall pushups, it moves you through 1x10 reps to 3x50, and eventually through the various forms until you're doing 1 handed pushups. Here... See??

....and there's a WHOLE SERIES of these-pushups, pullups (wall pullups, then move to bar), squats, jacknife pikes, bridges... Even a headstand so you can get to handstand pushups and walkovers. So I've been doing that. And I bought a dumbbell set. And NO. It's not the girly pink little handweights sold to soccer moms. It's bars and clips and separate plates. True dumbbells. I'm driving Sic-un crazy with running out of the shower practically every morning "SEE??? I HAVE A BICEP!" "LOOK! QUAD COMING OUT!" "FEEL MY HAMSTRINGS!!!!"
And
(can we get another drumroll???)
4. I've cut out almost all the brown fizzy liquids I drank by the gallon. Well, almost by the gallon. It SEEMED like a gallon. Eight 12 ounce cans of Jones in a day, some days. On the weekends, especially. I will say I do still drink somewhere between a partial and 1 full soda most days at work. However, the full soda days are becoming few and far between. I've been trying Gatorade as a stop-gap. Water just gets so... blah? And don't tell me 'Put a flavor pouch in it!'... They all have aspartame which gives me raging headaches. And any of the vitamin waters are  nutritional nightmares. So I've been limiting my sodas to (average) fewer than 1 per day, my water drinking has gone up astronomically and I've been filling the rest in with juices and iced tea.

5. I've dropped a size in my jeans... Did I mention that?...hmmmm.... NO! You didn't hear about my whirlwind shopping venture. I took Sosu with me and I think I kinda scared him. I literally walked through the aisles picking things seemingly at random in a hurry (almost at a dead run) through the stores. It wasn't random. I got a full new wardrobe of GREAT clothes (and went back and picked up the pair of slides and another pair of trousers for work) and I HAVE dropped a size in my jeans. So I picked up a few pair. I've been sticking pretty much with 2 of the 4 I bought because...well, the other 2 pair are just a TAD snug (shows what happens when you assume a size), but I'm looking at it as "I don't have to go jeans shopping again WHEN I drop another size".

Hey... It's 12:06. Good morning!

6. The wild sex life isn't. As soon as I post that I really dig having 2 boyfriends plus a partner, guess who suddenly stops having sex? Yeah... No fault of anyone's, I don't think.  Sic-un keeps tweaking out his back or it's the weather or we're just tired from work. And J hasn't been over in FOREVER. You can insert a scowly face here, Dear Reader. Sosu's been busy avoiding his homelife so he's been trying to stay with friends down in his town so he can still hit school....
Can't say I blame him for the homelife avoidance. His mom has pretty much turned on him mainly because he is saying "I'm 18. I'm growing up. Please do not expect me to be the good little yes man." Only it's not quite in that manner. And I don't think his sister is helping matters any. She seems to have become quite a tattletale. Sic-un's ex wife tells Daughter to call Sic-un and report on any of Sosu's bad behavior. "He stayed out all night and said he was at your house!", things like that... I don't think Sosu quite realizes this CAN BE a safe haven, and for most infractions of any of these 'rules' he's under (from his mother), the most his Dad will do of any 'punishment' is lecture. Like last week... He called, asked if he could spend the night. "Sure." He came in, sat for about 3 minutes, then went and passed out in his room. Fine. Great. I told Sic-un "Watch, he went to a friend's house, was going to spend the night, ingested SOMETHING and now doesn't want to go home to his Mom's because she'll go ballistic." Which is what happened. His friend said "Here, have a drink!" and then when they had been drinking said "Uh, can't spend the night, kicking you out!".... Sosu was offended, which I'm proud of him for. That's a shitty thing to do to a friend, right? No lecture, a little worry.
Stuff like that. So I completely understand why he hasn't been around. He's 18. But the sex life suffers. Part of me minds, but part of me doesn't. And I don't mind because I am trying to get healthier. And I still jiggle.

7.  The reason I've gone on this big healthy kick and trying to get fit and all is because those pictures I took of myself on my birthday-no, you haven't seen them. Nobody is gonna see them until I have some muscles to show and get rid of this fucking gut of mine!-...Those pictures scared me. I was looking at my grandmother's body....

When I was 13 or so, my uncle got married and we went over for the wedding. I watched my grandmother get dressed for the rehearsal dinner, like girls do when they're young and not invited to an evening function. You sit, usually on the end of the bed or perched on the cedar chest and watch as the older woman gets ready, taking note of the process, knowing some day you'll do the same thing, perhaps for your daughter, a niece, a granddaughter: how to check pantyhose for runs, pull out the slip, make sure everything is pressed and tidy and clean and perfect and you touch the silver hairbrush set that's on the dresser, and look at the old pictures of relatives long passed as the woman going out for the evening looks in the mirror and makes sure the lipstick hasn't bled or smeared, one last pat to their hair. You've watched them get dressed and you've seen their body and you wonder if yours will be the same.

In my grandmother's case, she had a great set of legs. TERRIFIC legs. Gramma had gams. Not long legs, but terrific legs.  She was short, under 5'. And she was a large woman, but very graceful, very light on her feet. I always thought it was horrifying that having 10 kids (later found out she had 17 frigging pregnancies or something like) so thoroughly destroyed her body. She had a spherical torso, but these great legs. Very thick, very wide, very round. Round body, great legs. And I think that's how grandmothers should look, really. I don't like the idea of a grandmother being a glamorous older lady who still dresses as if she were 16. I DO like the idea of a grandmother who smiles, is full of hugs and LOOKS like they make a mean cookie. And she did. And that's all fine and dandy when you're talking about a 65 year old who IS a grandmother... It's not so fine when your're talking about a 41 year old who IS NOT EVEN a mother. That woman looks at a picture of herself and flashes back immediately to the wedding in 1983 when she watched her grandmother get ready for the rehearsal dinner.
I got scared.
I'm only 41. I shouldn't look like that. I shouldn't BE like that.
So I decided to change. I'd like to be rid of the round by Xmas. I've already started redeveloping my waist (I HAVE A WAIST!!!). Everything else will follow in due time. And by Xmas should be good.



So that's what I've been up to and doing. Just work and working out and trying to not go crazy insane with PMS and keep my protein levels up and hoping things will maybe be a bit better, soon.

Surprise recipe!  Darkneuro's Brotein Cherry Shake (yes, it contains protein powder...it's my post workout or not so bad for you shake when you want something sweetish)
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1/2 to 1 cup milk/almond milk/soymilk
1/4 to 1/2 cup frozen dark cherries (I use Kroger's Private Selection...they're yummy!)
1 scoop vanilla protein powder (I use Jay Robb whey protein-it's not bad. Still kinda...chemical? But not bad.)
Sweetener of your choice to taste (I've used sugar and some stevia... both work well. Honey is a bit of a different flavor)
Blend it all up with some ice for texture. Brotein shake :)
G'night my loves. Roll call, remember. I'd like to know if anyone still pops in.

Ohmy. Well, Happy New Year to you too!

Good morning!
I've had 3 hours sleep and I feel SPLENDID!
I was laid last night. Fucked. Messed up.
And due to the alcohol involved on their part(s), I'm the only one who came.

Oh, that's ni-
Wait. What?

J came up. LIIT* premixed in a ginormous bottle. I had been drinking already. I was cooking.
Pork chops.
Brined pork chops, braised with gravy, served with mashed and gravy and salad.
Gravy was good.
J has been saying for WEEKS (really!) he'll be coming up. He hasn't been up.
Let's rewind, shall we? J's ex spouse had a bun in the oven and it was indeterminate if it was J's baby or belonged to this other guy. Divorce waited until bun in oven was done so DNA tests could say whose it was. Make it a part of the divorce and all that, you know? "We have a paternity question, let's separate and see what we get on DNA, that way the divorce can have custody determination as well", basically. Child was born, paternity determined...
Not J's. But J has an incredibly busy life, working until 1 a.m., D&D and friends and well, a life.
So when he says "I'm planning on coming up this weekend", it's always with the unspoken "Unless" attached to it. D&D trumps hanging out, I'm told. I'm cool with this, but it means every statement of 'I'm coming up this weekend' is a 'wait and see, but don't hold your breath' type thing...When there has been a day off of D&D, a game always gets started by others in the group, you see. D&D trumps.

So when J called, he was invited to dinner.
Brined pork chops, braised with gravy, served with mashed and gravy and salad.
He brought the LIIT, I continued drinking.
Sic-un started drinking.
Switch was over and was drinking.
Things get a little blurry with my 2nd vodka-and. First it was vodka and punch, then when the punch went away, it was vodka and pepsi (sugar pepsi!!). Then LIIT.
I was well and truly lit. And things are a little blurry.
I pulled out the camera and took blurry pictures of everyone. No, you won't see them here. I don't have Photoshop to protect people's identities yet :D

Then things got blurry. It became 'Turn Darkneuro on' time. Random fondles from everyone.
I like random fondles. I wanted to sit on a lap somewhere, but honestly?
--One of my resolutions this year is to actually eat better and lose some of this weight.  I have taken off some in the size department (my size 20 jeans should REALLY be size 18, and all my work pants? Yeah, they're 20s too and should be 18s), but I don't have a scale and therefore can't tell you numbers.--
But I don't feel good about my body. I don't like my size and think of myself as larger than what I am. When the subject of sitting on someone's lap comes up, I tend to decline doing so. I'm heavy and don't want to crush or stop someone's circulation or anything like that. Even if they say it's good and they can do it and want to, it still makes me very conscious of my size, which puts a damper on everything.
So I declined to sit on anyone's lap.

Sic-un took my clothes off in the living room. Apparently, it took about 20 minutes to get my sweatpants off. Not due to anything like I was passed out or anything, but I didn't want to take my pants off, not right then. We had determined there was one condom in the house. Sic-un and I play pull-out, and I trust him with it. Switch? J? Condoms are necessary. Everyone is good with that, it's expected.
Due to the amount of alcohol ingested, Sic-un was kinda out for the evening for play-time. But wait! There's 2 other males in the house! That produced wood all around.
Switch and J and Sic-un discussed who would have me with the 1 condom.
Switch.
I missed him. He hasn't been in bed with me lately, he had a girlfriend he made a promise with. I allowed him that promise. Bed buddies should be just that, with either side ready and waiting to say "OK, you need this/that/the other thing? OK." He needed that promise, so OK. But I did miss him, my body missed him, and I told him so. I don't like not touching, not touching him. I like that freedom.
He was drinking, though. So where I had at least 7 orgasms (Sic-un kept count in the living room-I gave up counting a long time ago), he didn't have any, and he was ok with that. But we stopped after a bit and some cuddle time (I like pillowtalk with Switch. He's fresh). Went out to the living room.

I wanted liquid and a smoke and some time out.
Then J.
Yumyum.
He was too far gone to come himself, let me know pretty much right away. Such a pretty dick. Loved on that for a bit. Tonsils got pummeled. In the meantime, he's fondling me, fingering me, getting me off left and right. Then I moved between his thighs for an extended session. Sat on my heel. Every now and again, grind-grind and POW! There's another orgasm for Darkneuro.
Then liquid and a smoke and some time out once it was determined that since there was no further gifts from the condom fairy to be had and he couldn't plunder me.

Then Sic-un.
He gets so very turned on when I have others inside me. So very turned on. But the alcohol played against him. Me? BangAwaySally! Him? He was hurt when he realized I couldn't make him come. On my behalf.

He was hurting for me, wanted me to be completely and utterly pleased with the night and the burgeoning morning, wanted me completely satisfied, and because he thought I wasn't (but I was!), he hurt on my behalf.
Is it any wonder I love this man completely and utterly?

By then, it was about 6.
A.M.
Sic-un went to bed about 7. I went about 7:30. J left the house about 7:15. Switch dozed on the couch until I got up at 11 and told him to go to bed for a bit.
I have bruises on my arms (bite mark on 1, finger prints on the other), some red marks on my neck. My knees are sore, but that's because I crawled when I couldn't muster the balance to walk.
And I have been well and truly messed up.

Happy New Year!

I do have to say that this next image probably more accurately describes the year I'll have.....

See you on the flipside, people.


* Long Island Iced Tea-1 part each vodka, tequila, rum, gin, triple sec, sour mix, splash coke (although we DID use TEA-sweet tea. Sic-un made it. YUM!)

Let's ask Dante!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

*sniff*
Gramma would be so proud of me!
Not really. She would be mortified, like any other dearly loved old lady would be. Very low on Limbo. How low can you go? How low can you go?
Very low...
Sorry. Mind wanders.

My mind has been wandering into strange places, lately. Firstly, the tire saga...
Monday morning, bright and early at 9 the a of the m, I get to give the tire place here approximately $300 for a set of 4, all inclusive. How do I know it's all inclusive? 'Cause that's one of the many benefits of having a member of the GBN* as a partner... He does the dirty work of calling the tire place to make sure I don't get another "Ohhh, we can align for $220....No? Hm.... $165." craptastic experience. All inclusive means: Tires (new), balanced, installed, aligned, stems, disposal fees, aligned... I will have wheels once again that don't go thumpathumpathumpathumpa when I decide I wanna go over 45mph.And the alignment portion is $60. Not $165.
So once the tire saga was brought gently into holding pattern until the tense-ness of the trip to the tire place Monday morning (one tire is showing a smidge of cord...It hasn't gone anywhere since discovered), one's mind turns to what money one will have deposited on Friday when one is SERIOUSLY short-timing it until her mini-vacation of 5 days off. One estimates one will have enough to pay her part of the rent, and tires, and not much freakin' else.

But one will have tires that don't make strange noises.

It's annoying to hear myself in the third person in my head reading this back to myself. I made a comment about the various voices in my head over on the ever-popular FB. Yes, yes, tell me everything bad about it. It's a cheap (read that as "free") and easy way to keep in touch with the entire family all at once.** I've spoken here before, I think, about the voices in my head. I've added some new ones. Some are easily explained (which first came out as esplained for some reason... No, I'm not Ricky Ricardo. I can't mambo...Although the old Spanish woman named Inez comes out in my head when I'm cooking with the chiles), some are childishly explained by a graphic, some are a phrase or characters I picture while actions are taking place ("Make it so!" was Picard's catchphrase. Can't read it without his voice in my head. There's a ballplayer in my head who does a fist pump after catching a fly ball. You draw the scenario, that's the reaction to a fly ball). I've also added the narrator from DungeonKeeper to my repertoire. FB... You like this. And yes, I do like some things.

Then the mind wanders to what I like...

Dare I say I like kissing? Ooooh, and yes, there's a list, and you know the list. C'mon...
Who have I kissed recently? Sic-un, obviously. Sos-u.. (gasp! Yes, I think I did... Let me see... well, the 4th of July. Kissing was part of it. MYGOD/DESSwhatakisser), Switch. J...but I have hopes I can teach J to kiss. Emulation. Example. "No. Hold still. Let ME kiss YOU. Relax." I can do that. He brushes his teeth. Idiot never learned because Idiot never brushed his teeth. Lots of lip-sucking, lapping, not so much tongue-twining, old-timey mash-em up.... Hot kissing. Want.

And then the days off....necessary. SO.Very.Necessary.... It's not the Alternate Dimension. It's the insomnia and the increased libido and the voices... I have to turn off for a little bit. I have to ink. I want to finish my fan. I wanna fuck. I wanna kiss. I wanna get messed up and get messy. I wanna make more chili...food and sex. Sex and food and art and kissing and fucking...

Sorry. Tangent. You see where my mind has been wandering lately? 

Jump back up to FB and the voices in my head... One of my cousins put it the way I dread it being thought about... "You're weird." And J... I put on his shoes for him. One of those stupid little things I like to do, like a phrase I read once that I hear Henry Rollins saying in my head...'wipe your spent cock very neatly.' I do things like that and...
I'm weird... He meant it in a good way, but still.
I want to blend, to a certain degree. I want to function in society until I can escape it. I go off in my dreamland, and that IS my escape, at least until I win that huge pile o' money I keep dreaming about.

Which is why I think about Dante's 7 levels and think he got it wrong...
Something to think about it.
But low on 'Limbo'. I don't believe in 'Hell', as an opposite to 'Heaven'. And I think we all make our own 'Hell'. Mine is apparently fed on insomnia and an overachieving libido.



*GBN=Good ol' Boy Network... It means I don't get shafted for being 'the little woman' in a very male-centric part of the country.

**On the subject of FB: I'll consider adding you as a friend. But don't be offended if the answer is 'No.' And please put any requests to that nature with a little 'I know you from' statement. If I don't get that, I ask for it. You get placed in limbo until I get an answer for that question. Oh. Limbo can be anywhere from 12 to 48 hours. No answer, no soup for you. And it's entirely arbitrary. And if it works the way I have it set up, you gotta know my real identity.

http://secret-identity.net/

Reverse...

....insomnia.
I went to bed last night about 1 or so, could have been as late at 1:30, but I was up bright and early at 8. Don't have to be up, even now, until 8:45, but I was up at 8 and could not remain asleep. 12 hours from now, I should be coming home from the alternate dimension, or will already be home. Time moves quickly when I'm going to the other dimension, until I'm sitting in the seat with people screaming invectives at me, then it will slow to an absolute crawl.
***
We had house guests this weekend. Sic-un's son and G&D's dog. Really great weekend, except now I need to wash the couch dressings (pillowcases, cover). Max, that is the dog's name, slept on the couch, nervous and missing his owners, and him with his skin condition. Min-pin and part chihuahua. And then over 1/2 my bottle of Ciroc is missing, so now I'm marking the bottle. We'll see if the boy notices. Small, nervous dogs distress me to a certain degree. I'm afraid of hurting them (because they're dogs, but they're...tiny. And nervous. Shivery little things) or expecting too much of them. Still, it was nice to have an animal in the house.
***
Christmas was good, although it came with its own guilt. Sic-un's mom emailed him, apparently, seeking to see if I hated my gift or liked it or what.
Hated?
HATED?
It made me cry. This beautiful woman got me a silver necklace. I've met her once. And I didn't send a thank you email because I want to go to the store and get her a card but I keep getting sidetracked, or I forget and then don't go back, or else I have so much else to do on my (separate) days off, that nothing ever gets done. So I haven't sent a thank you and I feel guilty. I'll stop at the store on my way home today and rectify that. Get rid of that particular guilt. Although Sic-un did say he emailed her back. That should hold for another day or 2.
***
I'm starting the New Year off feeling guilty.
Not only about the necklace and not yet sending a Thank You, but also about Sic-un, surprisingly enough. I feel like a bad girlfriend. His back has been jacked up all this past week. He tripped over something at work and got on meds from the dr, and IS feeling better (at least he says he is) and I've been hollering at him if he bends and I get him the things he needs... but I still feel like a bad girlfriend. I no longer come in and rip his clothes off, we spend a lot of time just 'hanging out' either watching the idiot box, playing games or reading, and the whole feeling is 'Sex tomorrow or sex yesterday, but never today' in a Carroll-ian turn of events. SO I'm not throwing myself at Sic-un any more and I don't know why. He still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl, he turns me on like nobody's business, but either I'm too tired and stressed from work and things around here or he's tired and stressed, or I don't feel good or he doesn't feel good....
I'm afraid I'm going to lose this beautiful, smart, funny, witty, kind, sweet man, and it will be for something seriously stupid.
NO, we're not fighting. We don't fight. We don't argue. We actually discuss things and find resolutions if they can be found for whatever is going on. So it's not a fight or argument or antagonistic feelings or anything.
It's apathy.
Part of my anxiety about Sic-un can be traced to wife#2. I know that. I'm afraid I'm going to walk in one day early from work or something and they'll be in bed together. It's what initially woke me up this morning. I had a nightmare. I walk in the house, early out from work, and there is a strange car in front and they are in the bedroom. I leave him a note on his computer that I hope he would have the decency to wash the sheets and drive off. Not a 'bad' dream, not fear inducing or heart pounding palpitations or anything, just walk in, hear the noises, crack the door, write the note, drive off.
Except in driving off, I became so upset I started crying and woke up crying. Over a dream.
Why the anxiety? Because for the past 3 years, every winter, starting in October/November, sometimes stopping immediately, sometimes lasting awhile, this woman emails Sic-un about how lonely she is and how she must be such a bad person and why didn't it work out and what happened to them... He had his email open last night, her name was #1 on the list of inbox. What? I have eyes, I see.
(ahem)
Honey. I know you got another email from her, I saw it on your computer last night before you clicked over to temperature (it was 16 degrees, I think).
(ahem)
Keep in mind they've been divorced for what? 5, 6, 7 years? Something like that. Our agreement, from when we first started dating, is that he can go to bed with whomever he wants, as long as it's not forever. Don't leave ME for THEM. And vice versa. He wants to boff some chippy in a bar somewhere? Fine. I have the same privilege to go to bed with whomever I want, as long as the other knows about it (no secrets!) and we don't leave them for the other. No biggie, except Sic-un has a huge amount of guilt over this woman. He's firmly convinced he bent her mind and seriously injured her psyche. So what makes it different this year? I'm afraid of his own guilt towards her and that it will push him towards her and then wrap in the apathy we currently have going on and...
I think also she potentially has Seasonal Affective Disorder, since it's been happening now for 3 years. Part of me wants to knock on her door and tell her "Look, YOU divorced HIM. Let him have his life. You cannot eat your cake and then have it too." And then part of me wants to scream and rail at Sic-un and ask him how he can do this, doesn't he see the manipulation of the whine every year? Seriously? Then add in the "I'll show you" part that makes me want to run out and hop in bed with the first good looking guy I see. Which brings up the way I look now and the fact that I consider myself to be a great cow, so it would never happen, but then add in that agreement... Sic-un would say "Ok, are you leaving me for him?" And move on to the next subject if the answer was no. If the answer was yes, I get the feeling he'd offer to help me pack just so he could be a good sort about it.
***
I need to stop this. I need to stop it before I talk myself into another years-long lasting depression. I certainly don't need to be hashing this out right before I jump in the shower for work.
***
Breathe deep, think positive. I am my own worst enemy. I love my painted man, I am employed gainfully, I have money in the bank, my car is still running, I have a roof over my head and clothes on my body. I am smart and talented.
***
Breathe deep.

In which our heroine rambles on almost endlessly...

*note*NSFW centerfold picture way, way WAY down there. You've been warned.

In the past few days-weeks?-I've noticed a few things I thought I'd share here with you, Dear Reader. They're completely random, yes, but that's OK because it's just how my mind works and I'm feeling a bit random lately. It's the insomnia getting to me, the randomness. And it's not that I'm not sleeping at all, nono... That would be too easy. It's just taking forever for me to wind down enough after work to go to sleep before 6 a.m. And when you get up by 10 on the days you have to work the full shift, it makes for one tired Darkneuro. I wake up by noon on the days I don't have to work. Not pleasant.
Anyway (says the Queen of All Tangents!), I've noticed a few things I thought I'd share. News-i-ness-ish stuff (yes, I made that up) and just... random noticings. Ready?
*****
The weather is freakin' awesome lately, isn't it? It snowed in Santa Fe, NM the other day (yesterday? Day before? Something like), and it's been raining pretty steady here for about 3 days. It's keeping the pollen down and all I can hear are all the scientists screaming about severe climate changes brought about by human habitation. The VOD we have through CableMonster is filled not only with apocalyptic exhortations, but also shame-inducing scientific programs that have one goal: Make me feel guilty for being a human, with all the technology being human brings with it. They say that humans are the reason the ozone is depleting, humans are the reason the ice is melting, humans are the reason for El Nino and La Nina, and it would be better if humans just weren't here.
I feel like handing them a pistol and telling them "You go first." There's lots of theories out there, and while I embrace the fact that technology as we know it is changing as we are watching (which is just too too cool... and certainly easier to take than the switch from horse-powered to horsepower), I do not think humans are to blame for what Earth is doing right now, which only appears to be going to hell in a really big hand-basket.
Let me explain: Earth goes through cycles. CYCLES, people. And yeah, we may have had another 200 years without the polar ice melting exponentially without the Industrial Revolution, but... guys... Terra Firma is almost a living, breathing entity in her own right! If you go here, then go down to the "Major Ice Ages" area, it kinda explains it all, much neater than I can. At any rate, we're in an interglacial stage right now. Warmer, people. YES, the ice will melt. That's what it does. What the scientists haven't really stressed, though, is that it's melting a lot faster than they think it should, and it's speeding up. Quickly. My personal estimate? Well, inlanders always make jokes about what would happen if, and Albuquerque looks to be prime beachfront property in a couple hundred years. And no.... I don't think recycling and changing fuels and 'being green' will stop that in any way from happening, but I do it anyway because I do think we are using up our (limited) resources faster than ANYONE can say.
*****
I'm not apathetic, really. I'm just incredulous that so much is being laid upon the human race. And yeah, I've dirtied the world up a bit, but hey... I haven't bred. The line, my portion of it at least, ends here. Future guilt? Heh. You deal with it. I'll be dead.
*****
There's a lot of people I know breeding right now. Yes, I say breeding. Around here, you must call it breeding. It's not 'having children', that's too highbrow for the barnyard. I have to tell you, I live in Redneck Central, and right now, these people aren't thinking about having kids and then having them, they're having them and then thinking about it. Silly me, being practical and all.... How dare I even suggest that someone may want to move out of Mom's house and be on their own without having a baby first? How dare I point out the practicality of thinking about 2 a.m. feedings and not being able to go out and (ahem) 'partay' with all your friends at the Saturday Beer Blast that turns into a circus of people puking off balconies and swimming in radioactive waters?
Me? Personally? I've been asked that question a LOT lately, that lovely question to the childless: "When are YOU going to have a baby?? You should! You'd make a GREAT MOTHER!!!"
No. Never. Won't. To use a really outdated word, I shan't. And I won't make a great mother. I'd hit my children. I believe the phrase 'Spare the rod and spoil the child'. I've seen the sparing done. I've seen it done badly. I've seen it done well. And with complete honesty, I can say I'd hit my children. And I have a strange problem dealing with dirty diapers and spit-up. Makes me throw up. Profusely and at great length. Hand me a child with a dirty diaper and I will drop the child. No warning for spit-up means I know the signs of when a baby will spit up. I will leave the room.
I make a much better Aunt. I make a great Aunt. And the thing about being the Aunt is that you can hand the children back to their parents, the children's lives a bit richer for being around you (Museum? What's that, AuntyK? Gallery? Huh? Hike? What?Library?) [and no. Don't you DARE say I'm saying parents don't do this with their children. I'm a former child. I know. It is almost always made out to be a chore with parents, they have to take you, give you some culture. If an Aunt takes you, it means she wants to], the parents get a break and ...heh... You get to give back the alternately tired-bouncy-whiny-screamy child to the parents. And the expense isn't one-fivehundredth of what it would be to have a child yourself.
Besides... Should that person really have spawned? Really??? You've seen them. Should they have passed those genes on???
*****
Speaking of gene-passing, I was able to speak to my wonderful ConMan, my nephew extraordinaire, when I called Mom to let her know the check was in the mail for the jeans we had her get through her discount at Big Department Store...retirement still has some perks, you know, and Mom allows us to use her discount shamelessly. Con didn't have much to say, he was in the middle of Spring Break and a video game (my parents bought a Wii! MY PARENTS! Who still have this in the bedroom. Sheesh.), but what he said almost broke my heart....
The boy's voice has changed.
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*****
Repairs continue on the house across the street. Wait. I didn't tell you, did I? How about I show you instead?
Big wind caused big tree to make big hole in big house. They're repairing.
*****
I found the picture my grandmother used to paint the nude hanging above my mother's bed. I'm making my own interpretation of it. Here's the inspiration, I believe it's from 1973? I didn't write down where I got it from, let me check my horrendous list of bookmarks....Nope. Sorry. Standard disclaimer: If this picture is yours and you want credit, if you want me to remove it, let me know.

I believe she will make excellent pin-up practice, don't you?
And Mari's child (she, on the other hand, makes a GREAT mother, speaking as a former child), she drew me a fairy that will inspire a fairy drawing of my own.
I finally got the grass stems I love so much down into art recently. Please ignore the fairy in this picture. This drawing was all about the flora, not the fauna and I traced her out (badly). But the grass to the right? Oh.My. I like the way it turned out, especially since it's strictly from memory at this point.


Have a good Saturday, Dear Reader. I'm gonna be drawing.

In some nihilistic places...

I found myself over on Wooster Collective and thought, "It's time to blog." My schedule in the alternate dimension has changed for the... 3rd? No... 4th time in as many weeks (fewer, but who's counting?), and I am tending to lose time. I kinda like the new schedule. It allows me actual time, in greater quantities, which means I can spend said time drawing and practicing.

I am 39 years old and I want to be a tattoo artist.

I hit Wooster from boingboing from the roll to the right.

However.

Hosting of said roll has recently-

(as of... yesterday? It's 4:30. In the a.m. My days/nights are so fucked it's not even funny. Not today when I woke up at noon, [to which someone is thinking to themselves, "NUH-UH! It's yesterday, you stupid git"] which means my today, not other people's idea of today, which generally includes things like Good Morning, [insert town name here] or Wake Up! With Tammy & Steve [and the ambersand is very ornate and rather fem so you know Steve is gay but it's not talked about... not before breakfast because this IS Amurrka, after all] thus ends our first tangent of darkneuro's insomnia for the day)

-started putting ad links at the top of every page you click on, so I'm going to go back to doing it the old fashioned way and just add it as an element within the blog itself. Such a pain. Discovered tonight (my night). So. To all who have been unwittingly spammed with ads, please accept my sincerest apologies. There was no notice (that I noticed, to be clear. Please don't email me or comment how everyone was notified and I just must have missed it. Thank you.) and it will be rectified as soon as I take the time to sit down and just do it.

Which is an ad for a shoe in and of itself, you know?

Food TV is on in the background and it's Al Roker. Perhaps it is... whatever morning show he did or does or whatever.

Os had up a surprise link. No, I'm not spreading the madness. Go explore all that is Os if you really want your eyes to burn. And no.... I'm not talking about gorgeous flesh. Just... It cannot be unseen.

Thin Mints can make it a little better. As does changing the background hum from infomercial to shows from 2 years ago on BBCa, which is a little condescending, but, hey... It's Amurrka [insert 1 smirk]. My other favorite cookie from the little people is the Samoa. Mayhap I'll search them out. The little people, I mean. Stock up. They freeze well. I'm going to leave 3 cookies. I will hunt for the little people tomorrow. They will have cookies.

I was never a girlscout. I was a Blue Bird. Mom still has a little frame thingy I made. We also went horseback riding, pizza party, music... It was fun.

I have to place a Superior order. I need stencil paper, lots of needles, inks, some more caps, I'm going to order gloves if I can't find them locally (medium is a popular size), I want a book or 15 (not going to get 15, but it will be a long and involved process choosing the one(s) I want). I'm picking Mar up a temp tattoo pen like I picked up in my last order. Sic-un wants to pick up a machine again. If he does, and he can, I want one from him. Some machine parts, like everything in the 'customization' kit, but coupled with the (few) pieces I have already to make a good repair kit.

I have a sudden desire to make a graphic that I will hate myself for...
Forgive the color of said picture. It's a photo of a photoposter the joker in the household hung on the wall eons ago. And there it still is. It's... very odd. Yes, I get the irony. There is a 'ohmygodhowcutegushgushgushkitten' poster on my wall by my computer. Read that again. Me. My. Dear Reader... you KNOW me. You know. You do. You know what lurks within.

Which reads as some strangely ominous thing, but isn't, really. I'm nice. Really. A bit twisted, perhaps... odd? Maybe? But not ominous. Very tired, but not sleepy. And if I lay down while not sleepy, I'll just lay there, for hours and hours. At any rate, there is a large pirate flag on the other wall. I am considering the purchase of another, plus a flag pole. Halloween is only... 7 months away. I have a vague germ of 1/2 an idea, but need to consider logistics. May just say PFFFFFT and request it away from the alternate dimension. We'll see when the time comes.

Sic-un's mother is coming into town. His mom. His Mother.
I'm a bit nervous, but not too much and feel good about meeting her. He was wonderful enough to accompany me to Ark. and meet Mom and Mom digs him and all, at least, I think she does, but he was wonderful enough to, you know? So I am looking forward to it and jsut a smidge nervous, which is understandable.

Please note that it has taken... an hour and 1/2 to write the above. I'm getting myself distracted. Shopping. Popping over there. And then the sacchrine delight -read that as kittens- above.

We discussed bathtubs today. My dream bathroom consists of a Japanese-style soaking bath, a real 'fresher, a proper one. For squirmy fun. I figure about the size of the opening to the kitchen (7'x4') and about 4' deep. With a shower right there although not necessarily in the bath. As always, I recommend Heinlen. He had the right idea. I recaulked the tub, too. But I fucked up. Picked up the clear caulk instead of the white. Now you can see the ickyness of the removal of the last caulking. The previous... 3? I think I peeled 3 layers... of caulk had cemented on in this one area. Had to practically chisel, which chipped a bit more than chiselled, before I was satisfied it was enough off. YOU CAN'T ADMIRE MY CAULK JOB. And I did a grand job, too. All you can see is where the wallstuff they used in the remodel in the (estimated) late 60's, early 70's meets up with the (tres vintage!) blue bathtub.

I need to put out the new bathroom rugs, while I think of it. And the towels need washed. Laundry tomorrow. And vaccuuming. And I have to pick up stuff. I have stuff lying all over and it's been driving me nuts. But I haven't had enough time to just do it. And when you only have 1/2 an hour or so to clean before getting kitted for the alternates, you tend to not clean because you know [oh how you know!] it won't stay that way. And after you're back, you're so... the feeling is wrung out... Just absolutely have nothing left to give. You've talked your throat raw, your eyes are crossing from staring madly into the streams, and if one more person walks up and makes a poor joke because they see people you actually like making jokes and think "AH-HA!" so insist on coming up to you even though you have ZERO interest? Well, you have the potential to go postal. I'm not idle, no, not by any stretch of anyone's imagination, much less my own. This is also known as the "Rather than just think dirty thoughts about your co-conspirators in the alternate dimensions" way of life for me. I've visted there for 9 days straight as of tonight. I have tomorrow here instead of there... Tomorrow meaning I've finally fallen into deep, sweet slumber for at least 4.5 hours (which is the recent timespike). And then I can work here for a bit. And if I'm correct, I don't have to be back until 8 in the eve on Freya's day.

Fuck. Birds.

And yes. It's now 30 of the 6. Of, not to. To would make it an hour ago and it's not. Not unless you're in the Central time zone. Yes. A.M.

I feel voracious lately.

zoney. And that sentence above it that paragraph there really doesn't make sense, but....

Fuck it. Bedtime for me. Good morning to you. Have some tea.