argh.

i have no idea what to write...
I can talk about J flabbergasting me this evening by telling me I have him wrapped around my little finger if I want to assert that...
I don't know how I feel about this, it just flabbergasted me. And I'm still a bit poleaxed over it.... I don't like that kind of control over people. I don't like giving people that kind of control over me and I don't like having that kind of control. I made a pithy comment about 'Autonomy!' and left it at that, which was decidedly unsatisfying.
What do you tell people that say (in effect) "You have huge amounts of power over me"?

The alternate dimension is grating on me lately. We got a new supervisor of supervisors. I would say no big deal, but you know how you can just feel that someone doesn't like you and will never like you, that you just rub them the wrong way so it's best if you stay out of direct contact? Yeah...doesn't work so well if they're above the person above you.
You start wondering if everything you do is wrong or if your job is in jeopardy because you might have said or done something months and potentially years ago to piss off the big boss. It's been stressful, to say the least. And it's all well and good to say 'take a day off', but apparently, I can't even do that properly. Sic-un has been hollerin' to gather up PTO and take a 'real' vacation next year. So I requested time off as unpaid. Denied. Ok. So I can't take time off unless it's paid. OK... So now I have to take all time off as paid and there goes any vacation plans for the future because my attendance at the place is shit. As soon as one absence rolls off, I manage to get another one. I've been on 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 absences for a fucking year now. So I'm trying to get my attendance cleaned up so I CAN call in for the bullshit days, when I really can't muster up the bubble, you know? And yes. Attendance counts. Each absence stays on your record for a month, if you don't call in for a month, you get 1 absence off. So what's been happening with mine, you may ask. I got it down to 2 1/2 and then headache. Or cramps so bad I can't move. Or car fucked up, or broken toe or sick... It counts unless I go to the doctor (money I can't afford) and get a note and a 'return to work by' date..

And the stress...it weighs heavily.

It's all coming down to money, unfortunately. I keep hoping to win the jackpot (faithfully buying $5 in tickets every payday), and realize I won't, but I can hope to get it. I was going to take Monday & Tuesday off to go find a couch since I have to shop for it and arrange for delivery and all that... That's what I was denied. The reason? Oh, well, you have the weekends to go shopping.
I didn't ask for your validation of my reason. I asked for approval to not show up to work and get something done that needed done.

I'm just having a bad time of it. I'm under stress and not sleeping and not hungry for food, although I'll take junk food at any time, apparently. I"m poor and I hate my job and I want to have FUN and there isn't a whole lotta fun. I've just got a lot of people wanting to use me as a sounding board and nobody wants to hear me. "OOOh, I've got this new gaming group up even though you have no interest in this particular game, I'm going to wax poetic about it for your entire break!' Thin smile and no interest doesn't work. I'm going to have to be direct and blunt and I hate to be direct and blunt. I suck at it. I stammer and my face turns red and it's embarrassing-the blushing, not the tasks- to have your face go bright red at a moment's notice.


So. Stress. And no...just to forestall any helpful suggestions: A stress ball does NOT work for this. I'm gonna have to tough it out. But thanx for listening I appreciate it.

lost links...

Guys, had to edit page & kill blogrolling. If you want a link, let me know and I'll be adding links back too...just have to find my addresses ;)

Roll call!

Now that comments is fixed....
"Sound off like you gotta pair!"
There. I channeled my inner Ermy.
Even Anon. I'd like to know how many still read.
There's Sic-un (uhhuh!), TechReader checked in, Anonymous1 checked in...
Who else?
Hearts and love....Or hatred and bile...I aim to please :D

tales from the fourth....

Hi! How are all of you?
I'm good, for the most part. An eventful 4th weekend, then I spent Tuesday locked into migraine hellishness while at work (but I stuck it through!), got home to where I could take care of the 1/2 of my head that was not well and thought all was well...
Until Thursday.
Ever feel your head explode? I had been 1/2 expecting a return of the migraine, just because Tuesday, although long and drawn-out and annoying as fuck, really hadn't been a bad migraine. Thursday was bad. I was showering. SHOWERING... And then my head exploded. Sparkles, halos, sound...I almost threw up, was able to get to the water to turn it to ice fast enough so I didn't.... Not good.
Then this morning my digestion decided to attack.
Again...not good.
So now I'm back on write-ups at work upon my return on Monday, but I seem to have survived. Still a little wonky on the stomach, and I'm really happy we have some phenergan in the house.
So that was this past week... On to the 4th weekend, shall we?
***
Sos-u had been here since... Wednesday? Yeah, Wednesday. Cool 'nuff. He mowed the lawn, did dishes (he did dishes!!!!) and was actually really genial. I enjoyed having him around to blather to (I always have a tendency to talk to myself...another person there means I have someone to talk with instead of in my own head). Dos-u, charming girl, quite a knockout, smart, etc etc etc (hey, they're both GORGEOUS kids... Sic-un's genes passed on well!) decided she wanted a tattoo. I had kinda planned on doing that on the 4th, and then having her and Sos-u for dinner (turkey in flat bread on the grill) and invited up J for some barbecue/social-life, but due to protestations on his part, didn't really expect him.
Dos-u happened Saturday, turned out well, purely in my opinion, of course. Of course, I am still freaking out about it a bit...I tattooed my painted-man's daughter!!!!, but it's all well and good and I wasn't nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. It's been awhile since I've picked up a machine.
It's also been awhile since I had my skin completely and utterly sensitized by someone. That happened Friday? No... Saturday night. And well into Sunday morning. The whole sharing me about thing has Sic-un quite randy and performing WELL ABOVE any expectations I ever had of him sexually.
What does this sensitizing mean, you may be wondering...
...
It means that every inch of my skin was so sensitive to touch that I was having small orgasms on an almost continual basis for about 24 hours or so. While my brain is still laughing with absolute glee, my abdominal muscles hated me for quite some time.
What did this mean for the 4th? Please note: everything that happened to me was with my full consent and my full acknowledgment. I was quite aware of what was going on, and enjoyed it quite a bit.
It means that Sic-un and Sos-u saw fit to torment me at every opportunity all day Sunday. Yes, Sos-u. Still underage, but will be absolutely no contest when I see fit to take him to bed. I am firm in that belief. So there I was getting dinner together, happily cumming at every turn...
J showed up.
Oh boy.
I'm the walking orgasmatron and you're gonna dangle that in front o'me? Oh! My! Stars!
One thing and another, some great food, great company, J was let in on the 'Oh, gee, look what Darkneuro does when you touch her!' and took great advantage.
He was petting my hair (well, finger-combing it while I leaned up against him) and basically told me that yes, indeed, I am once again right... His morals won't really let him fall into bed with me without some intoxication taking place.
Specifically, "I know you're open territory, but you're claimed territory. But I can be talked into you very easily, I just have to release some inhibitions, you know?"
Not hard to intoxicate the poor boy (he's 27). Really, it's not.
The question becomes "Do I want to go to that length to get a bit of strange?"
Another potential...
Not a road-block, but something to take into consideration:

Sos-u is well aware that his birthday is to be a rather monumentous occasion, seeing as how he will then be 18. He knows I want his pretty little ass in bed, he knows I have his father's full support. He's in full agreement with the whole scheme and is rather looking forward to it, right? That was made abundantly clear.
He got kinda tight-lipped when I concentrated on J Sunday. And I noticed it also when I concentrated on Sic-un, at least to a small degree. I don't think he's aware that he's doing it, he is kinda obtuse (part of my warping plan is to turn the kid into a free-thinker), and he's ... I don't think he's as self-aware as I was at that age, if that makes any sense. Just like I don't think he was aware he was checking out Mako when she met him (it was cute! He would look at the tv, look at Mako. Tv, tv, tv, Mako, Tv, tv, tv, Mako, Mako, Tv), completely unaware of what he's doing when he's doing it.
Sic-un and I discussed this...Mako and I discussed this as well (as well as giving me some INCREDIBLE advice...it really does help to get another input into my Machiavellian schemes), and basically with the whole 'teach him to be a free-thinker' I'm planning on, he's going to see that I am not some kind of bone to be fought over, I am my own person.

I am not 'Sic-un's'. I am 'Darkneuro's', and I allow myself to enjoy and to be enjoyed by other people, especially Sic-un. If I allow myself J, then I will do so, just as I have decided to allow myself Sos-u in January...If all parties are in agreement, then there is no question. I don't 'belong' to anyone except myself. This has been a hard-won battle. I don't want him to be jealous. I want him to enjoy the feast, does that make sense? Of course, it goes without saying that those who read or have read Heinlein will know exactly what I'm talking about. That sort of Utopia, you know?

It was also very very cute when Sos-u mentioned he had been a pudgy baby and Sic-un leapt from the couch to grab his photo album while saying "Oh yes he was!" in the gooiest, juiciest "Wook at de widdle bayyybeeeee!" voice you could ever imagine. I laughed... here's this 6' tall heavily tattooed, shaved headed, bearded classic 'biker' leaping over the back of the couch to get a photo album to show off pictures of his 'widdle bayyybeee!' who's actually 6'2" and quite athletic... I had to laugh, you see...It was so incongruous, so unexpected, just that tone of voice and the energy to show off baby pictures...

A good time was had by all, and I don't want to be that sensitive for quite some time (January, say? Yes, insert an evil grin right here, lads and ladies), but I gotta decide if I want to get J in bed bad enough to work for it (and it would be work, to a certain degree. Scheduling issues), and I have to decide how exactly to approach the great Warping of Sos-u. He's 17. He has... He's smart, but the friends he has surrounded himself with don't appear to be, so he gets lost in the faddishness of being 17. And stuck in the boondocks... That's a bit of a problem, as is his.... reticence? yeah, his reticence to read is a factor too... It will be hard work.
Still...I'm up to the challenge.
How was your 4th?

Why yes... yes I am...

.....Remodeling the House.

Let me know what you think as far as readability, colors, etc.

The backpiece was very well received. And M would like to know when she can have her Horus on her wrist. That will be the next thing.

WTF?

I've been redacted, folks! It's potential the people who give me money every 2 weeks know about this place.
So, I've archived everything, saved and downloaded everything, and deleted everything.
HOWEVER!
This does not mean the end of the House! nonono.....
No fears there.
This place is just way too important to me.
However, I'll be doing some redecorating in the next few days. Please bear with me.

If there's something you went looking for and can't find it, let me know via email and I'll get it to you.
But it's gonna take a few days to get the House up and running again.
And just covering myself here:

TO THE PERSON WHO OUTED ME AT WORK AS A BLOGGER:



Have a MERRY!FUCKING! CHRISTMAS!