auuuummmmmm.....auuuummmmm.....

I can't seem to stay away.
Yes, I propositioned J again. Well, actually, it was pointing out that since he works 3rd shift with Sunday and Mondays off and hobbies and a life and stuff and I work 2nd shift with Saturday & Sunday off and my own hobbies and life and stuff, there was nothing preventing me from dropping by his place, say...some Saturday morning? Until now, it's been here, either in the closet (when Sosu was still here, if he happened to be home/sleeping) or in the spare room (formerly Sosu's-it's a tangent).
And then a bit later in the conversation/discussion, I asked him if he wanted company.
I now have 3 large-ish hickeys as a necklace.
I gave as good as I got, although with him latched on lamprey-like to my collarbone, I was able to reach his pec instead of his collarbone for my own serious marking...Yes, serious. Deep burgundy, almost purple. Including an artistic little triangular one.
And I had to be mostly quiet. I think I did OK at that...for the most part. Jury's still out.
It was a thoroughly enjoyable way to spend the morning.

And then tonight, I made turkey & dumplings since Sic-un can't eat chicken (and there's a girl at work whose mother is the same the way). It was heavenly. I roasted the turkey bits beforehand (a breast tenderloin and a bone-in, skin on thigh) with just a dab of butter and some seasoning. Then I threw 1/2 an onion (chopped) and a carrot (chunked) into some chicken broth (ultra processed chicken=ok for Sic-un) with the bones & nasty bits from the roasted with the pan juices. Let that go about 1 1/2 hours, seasoned it to perfection. The meat was chopped & waiting in the roasting dish (too small an amount for a pan-I used my Corningware casserole dish). I strained the broth into the meat, pulled the fond, threw the meat & now strained broth into a simmer, waited about 1/2 an hour. Again adjusted seasoning, throwing in some poultry seasoning mix I have. Let that go about 1 hour. Then dumplings. I used the Betty Crocker recipe, using soda instead of powder. Still turned out. I let the dumplings go about 10 minutes, then threw in small new redskin potatoes and some frozen corn for veg. Then another half hour, 45 minutes. The dumplings, for the most part, disintegrated into the broth, making it super creamy rich.
I had 2 bowlsful.

Sosu is an enigma right now. He was living here, then not. His stuff is still here, but he hasn't darkened the door in over a month. Part of his time has been spent in Washington, I know that. Sic-un's father, a very, VERY dashing man (he gave the impression he'd be perfectly at home flinging a scarf over his shoulder as he rescued his lady love) recently ... There is no good way to say someone has died, you know?  A sudden attack of cancer, actually. No, really. His PET scan was the ...6th and he was in the hospital the evening of the 8th. Never really left it, although they got him into hospice care. My beautimous Sic-un is broken from it. I wish I could make him feel better.

And that's been the latest. Otherwise, it's just apathy and stress for the most part.

So another post....

about what? 3 weeks from the first? Just under? Something like?
I have to give pre-warning. I've been drinking.
And since Sosu made my last drink, I feel I may be fading fast....
But first, I felt the need to bitch.
Sosu made my drink, you say? Do I finally have a cabana boy?
Why, yes YES I DO...
And I'm not happy. not really.
I haven't gotten laid in weeks, which is criminal....
The boy moved in like, 3 weeks ago...NOTHING. Some mackin' on the couch and that's about it.
I've been resorting to the toys.
Sic-un? His back's been off because of the weather, but in good news, he now has insurance and only has to wait until January/February until it's not considered to be a pre-existing condition any more.
I've lost a grand total of like, 22 pounds. I think I look pretty damn good, or at least not weird any more. It got to where I felt like I had some kind of fat suit on. Couldn't take it. Couldn't take the jiggle. And I have gotten comments---Usually from women, although J2 said I looked good the other day and a random stranger said I was working the jeans when I stopped at the smoke shop a few weeks ago---But from my partner, from my fuck-buddies?
J may come up the weekend of the 4th. MAY. Gaming is more important. Sic-un has his back---which is causing a serious lack of turn-on... And Sosu is working on a fat chick. Yeah, a fat chick. My luck.
I pick fuckin' chubby chasers and decide to lose fuckin' weight.
I'm feeling really down right now and could really use someone else, someone other than Ms. Hand...even if she is wearing a glove so I get some 'strange'.
I feel like I'm whining and don't particularly want to, but can't seem to help myself.
What the fuck good am I if I can't even get fucked by my fucking partner or either EITHER!!!! of my 2 FWB's??? What the fuck???

Damn...June already.

It's June. Already. Half the year heading to the great past. I'm up to 20 pounds gone, and I now have some visible muscle going on. It's nice to start seeing the curve of a bicep instead of the bulge of a fat arm. And my endurance level is up. The AD is same-same. We've been attempting to be social lately, and I've been giving my cooking skills great workouts. Fresh buttermilk pancakes were the latest triumph, but they were on the heels of (drum roll) homemade, real, fresh, German Chocolate Cake and (fanfare) BREAD.
Yes, Dear Reader, I baked bread. I broke my bread barrier. Wheat and white were conquered. I'm going to try keeping it up. Cinnamon rolls may be next (whole wheat cinnamon rolls, actually).

I've been thinking a lot lately about my worldview and how I see everything. I think I've mentioned before about how I think everyone on the planet is the center of their own personal universe. Your friends are not my friends, my friends are not yours, so on and so forth. My universe is connected, even peripherally, to all these other universes around it. Sic-un's is rightthere, so is Sosu and J's, closer than most. Mako's right there... I picture successions of Venn diagrams when I try to visualize it. So rather than call it the 'universe', why not call it the multiverse?  I take it a bit further, and view people in terms of how they come into my personal section. As I said, your friends aren't mine, your life=/= my life...It's how it is. It's why everyone has an opinion, it's part of how we're each individuals seemingly struggling for the same goal (but we're not...your goals do not equal my goals, after all).
J2 just found TRex, and that's kinda what touched all this off... Their relationship is going much the way Sic-un's and my relationship has. One day, there appears to be no hope for True Love on the horizon and then the next day, there's a couple. TRex is now in my circle. She is under my protection. She's mine. I started really noticing how easily I slotted her in directly next to J2 and she touches me that way. She's mine.
Sosu is mine too. He was up this weekend and we were going to work on his cross on his leg. That kindof fell through-his nutrition is shit and his hydration was shit and his skin just didn't want it-we'll try again soon. I found myself, all this weekend, apologizing for caring about him. He's only 18 and I don't want him to think I'm in love with him, but I love him. I care about him, you know? He's mine. His circle is rightthere too. I claim him. J, same thing. I claim him. He's mine. Care about him? Yes, yes I do. Grasshopper, she's right there, and she's claimed.
But I found myself apologizing to Sosu for worrying about him. He looks like he's lost some weight that he can little enough afford, and he's very tired. I tried to get it out to him, but I'm so very afraid I'll say it badly and he'll either get spooked or he'll take it the wrong way and think I'm in love with him, you know?
I do love him, though. I think the human capacity for love is constricted by societal mores and morals, none of which apply very much to me. I can honestly say I love a tremendous amount of people, each in their own unique way. Sosu... I love him. I love his mind, his heart, his loyalty. He has more loyalty than a cocker spaniel. And he just gets kicked and kicked and kicked. I don't want to kick him, I want to soothe him. I love him unconditionally, no strings, just him for who he is, but... He's 18. And you can't tell an 18 year old you love them, not when you're 41 and his father is your partner... He'll either take it as if I'm in love with him (and I'm not) or as if I want him to 'cleve only unto me', which isn't the case at all. I consider him a 'boyfriend', because he's more than a 'friend with benefits', but the no strings becomes key for that. I don't think of 'boyfriend' the way other people do. But he is my boyfriend, and I do love him and found myself apologizing incessantly this weekend.

That's the latest figuring on my multiverse theory.

Hello, 41!

I turned 41 last week. Last Thursday. And today is the last day of a 4 day weekend, to boot. Some good things happened. Some bad things happened. I had quite a few dirty thoughts...didn't act on a single one of them, more's the pity. That's OK though.

I used to view birthdays with trepidation. Not at the thought of growing older, since the body grows old, but the mind doesn't, the ideas don't, so it's not the 'age' thing that bothers me. Some of the age-isms bother me. Some so-called 'milestone' birthdays are meant to be enjoyable and/or feared. The first birthday, the 10th (double digits!), 16th, 18th, 21st. Those are all supposed to be enjoyable. The others, the decades or the '9' birthdays are supposed to be feared. They've even got black candles and armbands and you're supposed to throw a party to celebrate the death of your youth or some such garbage.  I've never found the 9s or the decades particularly fearsome, personally.  No, I used to view birthdays with trepidation because it always came down to 'Will anyone notice or even care?'

My mother actually forgot my birthday one year. She thought it was still a week away, and I suppose it could be blamed on not looking carefully at the calendar. But I never had birthday parties growing up. The neighborhood kids came over for my 1st birthday (I've seen pictures). And growing up in Albuquerque, the neighbors came over for the obligatory cake and icecream. I'd go to parties, but wouldn't have them. And eventually, the question of whether or not anyone noticed became a moot thing.

Since I'm the center of my own universe, I noticed and that was what mattered. I started requesting the day off work, since I really didn't want to work on my birthday. When I was dating Idiot, we'd go out to eat on my birthday, and I'd end up paying*. Eventually, I started buying myself gifts or taking myself to lunch or dinner. Henry Rollins tickets became a big birthday purchase for me. Once with Idiot and once on my birthday by myself, then once here with Sic-un. Sic-un and I went to the circus, too. I took Toaster to dinner on my birthday before I left Albuquerque. It was a good dinner. 

This year, I took the day off work. Didn't sleep in, no, not this insomniac. I was up at 8:15 or so. Sent Sic-un off to work. Lazed about, went to the store, made a Meyer lemon meringue pie. Yes, lemon meringue pie. It's become my own little tradition.  I don't like birthday cake. Cake and ice cream together has always been a bit of a 'meh'. The frosting is always suspect, and ice cream is what it is. Neither ends up being very good. So I started making lemon meringue. This time it was Meyer lemons. I'm thrilled the local grocery is carrying them. And it's for the same price as their loose lemons.

The meringue came out as the thickest, foamiest, firmest I've ever made. I really like the way it turned out. I stuck my finger in it to check texture and it was like touching shaving cream. That thick, rich, pure foam consistency. I also boiled the lemon filling longer than the single minute all the recipes call for. I must have gone 3 or 4 minutes boiling. It's not that it hurt it or anything (constant stirring, good heat management), but I will say the pie is NOT weepy at all. There's a definite difference in the filling. All I can do is point at the boil time and remember it for next time (thicker filling=longer boil time)

Once the pie was out of the oven, then it was into the shower to get ready for dinner. Sic-un took me to Big Ed's for pizza. 2 small pizzas, pitcher of Amber Bock. Got a parking space right out front, too, which NEVER happens. Sic-un told the waitress it was my birthday. They don't sing to you (thank the GODS OF SINGING!)... They give you a t-shirt instead. We came home. Friday, Sic-un had the day off. We ended up cleaning a lot of stuff. The weather has thrown Sic-un's back for a loop again. The bathroom ceiling is no longer brown! The house smells good! Looks good! CLEAN!

Why the cleaning jag?
(ahem)
We had a cookout. Saturday. Yesterday. Yes. Yesterday. Invited friends over. We had people over for dinner. Yeah. We had a cookout. If you want, consider it one of Hyacinth's candlelight suppers without candles and a cookout instead.  J2-who's not as free-range as he may think, Grasshopper, J, someone new from work-Let's call her Harmony, my Japanese shark. Burgers! Potato salad! We'll provide beer, vodka, sweet tea, juices and lemonade. BYOB if you want something diff.

I was hoping Harmony would show up. She's... She's Harmony. One of the few women I would give my eyeteeth to go to bed with. She's HAWT. She didn't. J2 showed up...with his ex in tow. He calls her his ex, they are no longer living together, he wants Grasshopper... His ex is SCARY. She's seriously mental. And she doesn't think they're so very broken up. Grasshopper showed up. We had burgers.

I was drunk.

Seriously, totally wasted drunk. On not very much, actually. I started drinking around 4. Had a vodka lemonade. Had vodka lemonade #2 starting about 5ish. Was plastered by the end of the drink, which was somewhere around 6. Seriously plastered.
And here's how fucking mental J2's ex is.
I was sitting at the coffee table eating pie-it was delicious, and trying very hard to concentrate on the pie. I was drunk, recognized I was drunk, and I wanted pie. My head got hot, I started deep breathing (not nauseous. NOT NAUSEOUS, really. just hot-head), put my head down on the table (it was cool).
J2's ex started talking about getting sick and being sick and throwing up. Even after being told to stop.
Needless to say: I spent the rest of the party in the bathroom puking out that loverly hamburger and what pie I had managed to swallow.
I think she did it because she enjoyed it.

Now. Onto my presents to myself. I did myself a huge favor on Thursday and took 3 pictures of myself. All fully nude, one each forward, side and back shots. As a result, Tai chi starts next Saturday. And I may be getting a gym membership. I'm certainly going to be eating better (more veggies, less soda, more evenly spaced meals rather than 1 meal a day). I have done myself a great disservice and mean to rectify it. I think I have one more chance to see what I can do. I'm giving myself a year. With regular check-ins to make sure my body is doing what I want it to. At the end of a year, I promise I'll post the starting photos and the results.

And once I get relatively thinned out, I'm going to jump J2. Not as a boyfriend, but as just a guy I wanna fuck. And I'm gonna see about getting Harmony nekkid, too. I wanna see what I can do to make her scream.

Onto the age-isms next.
NO, I'm not on my 12th anniversary of being 29. I'm 41. FORTY ONE. I don't feel bad. I'm obese, but that's my own damn fault. I do not need nor want wrinkle cream, a face lift or liposuction***. I do dye my hair, but that's because the grey I do have makes it look dirty even when it's freshly washed. I am not pining for my lost youth, and quite frankly, from 25 to 35 was spent in my own little depressive hell. I wouldn't go back to that time FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE NATIONAL TREASURY. I'm smarter now than I used to be. I don't want or need your stupid cholesterol medication**. I don't have kids, so I'm not looking at them graduating school. I don't have grandkids, so I don't have to babysit. My bowels are regular and my laundry is doing fine. I don't want OR need your stupid marketing. And if someone tells me I'm one day closer to dying...YES! So are you, dear sir and/or madam!

Life is fatal. The act of being born means you will die. The shell gets old, but the mind doesn't. I'm having more unadulterated FUN now than I have before in my life. I have a wonderful, loving partner that I plan on spending the rest of my life with. I have 2 (count 'em!) boyfriends I care deeply about. I have a bestie, and I have GOOD friends. I'm happy and horny and relatively healthy- in spite of the obesity: my blood pressure is fine, I'm not diabetic, and I haven't had a heart attack. The aches and pains aren't debilitating, and I'm looking at getting better.

I think this is going to be a good year.


*His excuse was that I made more money than he did, so he'd drive to the restaurant, I could pay for the meal. He would suggest renting a movie and we'd end up doing nothing but sitting on the couch all night. NOT the most exciting of times, but I was locked into a depression. I had no clue. And nobody pointed out the wrongness of this.
**I actually heard a commercial for one of the 'statin' drugs that doctors are handing out like candy and I paid attention. They said in their little disclaimers that it HELPS you keep your cholesterol down when diet and exercise aren't enough. They, of course, mean when you don't watch your diet and you don't really exercise. I say this because if I'm exercising the way I'm supposed to and I'm eating the healthiest I can eat, I won't NEED your stupid medication.
***Liposuction: "Let me cut into you and suck out fat and blood vessels." Everyone I've ever seen who has had liposuction OR who has had the belly band INSTEAD of losing the weight naturally looks like a weird bobblehead.

Ohmy. Well, Happy New Year to you too!

Good morning!
I've had 3 hours sleep and I feel SPLENDID!
I was laid last night. Fucked. Messed up.
And due to the alcohol involved on their part(s), I'm the only one who came.

Oh, that's ni-
Wait. What?

J came up. LIIT* premixed in a ginormous bottle. I had been drinking already. I was cooking.
Pork chops.
Brined pork chops, braised with gravy, served with mashed and gravy and salad.
Gravy was good.
J has been saying for WEEKS (really!) he'll be coming up. He hasn't been up.
Let's rewind, shall we? J's ex spouse had a bun in the oven and it was indeterminate if it was J's baby or belonged to this other guy. Divorce waited until bun in oven was done so DNA tests could say whose it was. Make it a part of the divorce and all that, you know? "We have a paternity question, let's separate and see what we get on DNA, that way the divorce can have custody determination as well", basically. Child was born, paternity determined...
Not J's. But J has an incredibly busy life, working until 1 a.m., D&D and friends and well, a life.
So when he says "I'm planning on coming up this weekend", it's always with the unspoken "Unless" attached to it. D&D trumps hanging out, I'm told. I'm cool with this, but it means every statement of 'I'm coming up this weekend' is a 'wait and see, but don't hold your breath' type thing...When there has been a day off of D&D, a game always gets started by others in the group, you see. D&D trumps.

So when J called, he was invited to dinner.
Brined pork chops, braised with gravy, served with mashed and gravy and salad.
He brought the LIIT, I continued drinking.
Sic-un started drinking.
Switch was over and was drinking.
Things get a little blurry with my 2nd vodka-and. First it was vodka and punch, then when the punch went away, it was vodka and pepsi (sugar pepsi!!). Then LIIT.
I was well and truly lit. And things are a little blurry.
I pulled out the camera and took blurry pictures of everyone. No, you won't see them here. I don't have Photoshop to protect people's identities yet :D

Then things got blurry. It became 'Turn Darkneuro on' time. Random fondles from everyone.
I like random fondles. I wanted to sit on a lap somewhere, but honestly?
--One of my resolutions this year is to actually eat better and lose some of this weight.  I have taken off some in the size department (my size 20 jeans should REALLY be size 18, and all my work pants? Yeah, they're 20s too and should be 18s), but I don't have a scale and therefore can't tell you numbers.--
But I don't feel good about my body. I don't like my size and think of myself as larger than what I am. When the subject of sitting on someone's lap comes up, I tend to decline doing so. I'm heavy and don't want to crush or stop someone's circulation or anything like that. Even if they say it's good and they can do it and want to, it still makes me very conscious of my size, which puts a damper on everything.
So I declined to sit on anyone's lap.

Sic-un took my clothes off in the living room. Apparently, it took about 20 minutes to get my sweatpants off. Not due to anything like I was passed out or anything, but I didn't want to take my pants off, not right then. We had determined there was one condom in the house. Sic-un and I play pull-out, and I trust him with it. Switch? J? Condoms are necessary. Everyone is good with that, it's expected.
Due to the amount of alcohol ingested, Sic-un was kinda out for the evening for play-time. But wait! There's 2 other males in the house! That produced wood all around.
Switch and J and Sic-un discussed who would have me with the 1 condom.
Switch.
I missed him. He hasn't been in bed with me lately, he had a girlfriend he made a promise with. I allowed him that promise. Bed buddies should be just that, with either side ready and waiting to say "OK, you need this/that/the other thing? OK." He needed that promise, so OK. But I did miss him, my body missed him, and I told him so. I don't like not touching, not touching him. I like that freedom.
He was drinking, though. So where I had at least 7 orgasms (Sic-un kept count in the living room-I gave up counting a long time ago), he didn't have any, and he was ok with that. But we stopped after a bit and some cuddle time (I like pillowtalk with Switch. He's fresh). Went out to the living room.

I wanted liquid and a smoke and some time out.
Then J.
Yumyum.
He was too far gone to come himself, let me know pretty much right away. Such a pretty dick. Loved on that for a bit. Tonsils got pummeled. In the meantime, he's fondling me, fingering me, getting me off left and right. Then I moved between his thighs for an extended session. Sat on my heel. Every now and again, grind-grind and POW! There's another orgasm for Darkneuro.
Then liquid and a smoke and some time out once it was determined that since there was no further gifts from the condom fairy to be had and he couldn't plunder me.

Then Sic-un.
He gets so very turned on when I have others inside me. So very turned on. But the alcohol played against him. Me? BangAwaySally! Him? He was hurt when he realized I couldn't make him come. On my behalf.

He was hurting for me, wanted me to be completely and utterly pleased with the night and the burgeoning morning, wanted me completely satisfied, and because he thought I wasn't (but I was!), he hurt on my behalf.
Is it any wonder I love this man completely and utterly?

By then, it was about 6.
A.M.
Sic-un went to bed about 7. I went about 7:30. J left the house about 7:15. Switch dozed on the couch until I got up at 11 and told him to go to bed for a bit.
I have bruises on my arms (bite mark on 1, finger prints on the other), some red marks on my neck. My knees are sore, but that's because I crawled when I couldn't muster the balance to walk.
And I have been well and truly messed up.

Happy New Year!

I do have to say that this next image probably more accurately describes the year I'll have.....

See you on the flipside, people.


* Long Island Iced Tea-1 part each vodka, tequila, rum, gin, triple sec, sour mix, splash coke (although we DID use TEA-sweet tea. Sic-un made it. YUM!)

All Hallow's aftermath and November.

...or shall I say NaNoWriMo? I'm trying it again this year. Failed first attempt in 2005? 2004? Something like. I was still with Idiot and trying hard to not lose my mind. I'm all together this year, so perhaps that will make the difference.

So how did I do today? Seeing how it IS the first of Nov, and the day after Halloween and I was incredibly busy today, I'm very impressed with myself. I may still write more if I get bit again by it, but right now I'm sitting pretty at 1718 words reported, 2811 done (I reported, then had to get out a bit more), and 2 chapters kicked out. What's it about? Well, see, that's the hard part...
I don't have an outline.
Well, I don't. I started an outline. I did. I was going to introduce the world to the people that live in my head: Marge and Harvey, The Clerk, all of them. I had it outlined...
And then I remembered a dream I had a bit ago and it wasn't a pleasant dream. It was rather dark and rather scary, and unfinished...The bladder woke me up before I was done with the dream. Best analogy would be 'rape fantasy', but it's not. It was a dream, an unpleasant dream (to say the least) and no... There was no enjoyment out of it. But there is a story there. And since it saw fit to bite me hard enough to make me discard an outline and characters pre-made? I'll run with it and see where I end up.
I just hope I can be....ruthless? It'll work. Ruthless enough to write 50K on the subject.  I will be posting excerpts when I get some chunks under my belt. I will say it's rough. ROUGHrough. One of the things that got me last time was the on-the-fly editing. That's not happening with this one. I will spell-check, and I am going back through every 20 minutes or so and re-reading. Re-working bits to make them work the way they're being written in my head as opposed to how my fingers are typing it. In some cases, surprisingly enough, I'm keeping the way my fingers are typing instead of what's in my head...that doesn't usually happen.
Usually, I write as if I were reading a book. It's flowing better with this one, and going in without a plan, with only the barest hints of a plot from a 1/2 remembered dream... I really have no expectations. I'm seeing if I can do it, that's all.

KE posted recently about not writing. And not writing scares me. So. NaNoWriMo.
***
All Hallow's was... Vaguely depressing. I ended up going to 2 haunted houses... The first was at Cherokee Caverns, a cave system very close to us. Sic-un didn't want to go, Sos-u did. It was fun, got some good ideas for my non-existent haunted house and since all proceeds went to the Caverns (main/only fund raiser of the year and it's completely volunteer run), it was a good cause.
The second was Saturday night, at Sos-u's school. It was actually better than the Cavern, but I'm still going to pick it apart. Yes, it sounds cheesy and it was a good HH, but still... I wasn't scared. I was actually laughing through it. It doesn't really work if people keep asking you 'Are you scared?' as they're trying to scare you. And it didn't help that the (I think cheerleading team) was dressed as 'nurses' and were supposed to read a script as you went through. None of them could project one iota, at least as far as I could see. The script was pretty good, patter about how the high school used to be a mental institution, and it was a good setting for it. The school appears to be from the 40's or so, perhaps as early as the 20's, but I'm not sure on that. It's solid, institutional... A good setting. Good idea, OK execution, needs some work.
Sos-u was in full makeup, called Sic-un daddy-o which was cute.
I carved yesterday, made up the last of the pumpkin from 2009 into a fluffy pie. Here's the lantern....

And here's the pie....

I kinda figured out why my pumpkin pie is fluffier, especially in mouth-feel, than anything my mom has turned out. It's all in the order of ingredients. She uses the Libby recipe, I use the Libby recipe. She uses homemade puree, so do I. Slightly different spices (I add more ginger, some allspice, and more cinnamon than the recipe calls for), but spice won't affect texture this way. So I paid attention this time.
I discovered I don't like the way the recipe is put together. They want you to stir the sugar and spices together in a separate bowl, then in your big bowl, beat eggs lightly, add pumpkin and spice/sugar mix, then evap milk.
Result? Tight, dense pumpkin pie.
Sugar, although a DRY ingredient, tends to act like a liquid. It is hydroscopic, will dissolve rapidly, and although you have tiny little grains, doesn't hold shape in any discernible manner. Eggs, although a wet ingredient, are indeed a fat and an emulsifier. Evap milk? Fat. Pumpkin puree? It's wet. SO. Seeing as how the only DRY ingredients are the spices, why would you mix those and sugar together then lump everything?
I whip my eggs until they are light yellow and ribbony, then add the sugar to whip it up. Get it fluffy. Stream in the evap milk, which gets fluffy too. Then the spices so they're evenly distributed, then the pumpkin puree. Pour it out, cook it up.
Fluffy pumpkin pie is worth the change in the order.
According to my Joy of Cooking, you can even whip evap milk and sugar into something like whipped cream. So it makes sense to whip it all first to fluffy. Oh, and I added a teaspoon or so of vanilla. It counterpoints the spice and pumpkin and warms everything up in a MOST interesting manner. The vanilla is added with the pumpkin.
***
And since it is now November 2, I have to go to work in a few hours. Enjoy your day, Dear Reader!

Let's ask Dante!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

*sniff*
Gramma would be so proud of me!
Not really. She would be mortified, like any other dearly loved old lady would be. Very low on Limbo. How low can you go? How low can you go?
Very low...
Sorry. Mind wanders.

My mind has been wandering into strange places, lately. Firstly, the tire saga...
Monday morning, bright and early at 9 the a of the m, I get to give the tire place here approximately $300 for a set of 4, all inclusive. How do I know it's all inclusive? 'Cause that's one of the many benefits of having a member of the GBN* as a partner... He does the dirty work of calling the tire place to make sure I don't get another "Ohhh, we can align for $220....No? Hm.... $165." craptastic experience. All inclusive means: Tires (new), balanced, installed, aligned, stems, disposal fees, aligned... I will have wheels once again that don't go thumpathumpathumpathumpa when I decide I wanna go over 45mph.And the alignment portion is $60. Not $165.
So once the tire saga was brought gently into holding pattern until the tense-ness of the trip to the tire place Monday morning (one tire is showing a smidge of cord...It hasn't gone anywhere since discovered), one's mind turns to what money one will have deposited on Friday when one is SERIOUSLY short-timing it until her mini-vacation of 5 days off. One estimates one will have enough to pay her part of the rent, and tires, and not much freakin' else.

But one will have tires that don't make strange noises.

It's annoying to hear myself in the third person in my head reading this back to myself. I made a comment about the various voices in my head over on the ever-popular FB. Yes, yes, tell me everything bad about it. It's a cheap (read that as "free") and easy way to keep in touch with the entire family all at once.** I've spoken here before, I think, about the voices in my head. I've added some new ones. Some are easily explained (which first came out as esplained for some reason... No, I'm not Ricky Ricardo. I can't mambo...Although the old Spanish woman named Inez comes out in my head when I'm cooking with the chiles), some are childishly explained by a graphic, some are a phrase or characters I picture while actions are taking place ("Make it so!" was Picard's catchphrase. Can't read it without his voice in my head. There's a ballplayer in my head who does a fist pump after catching a fly ball. You draw the scenario, that's the reaction to a fly ball). I've also added the narrator from DungeonKeeper to my repertoire. FB... You like this. And yes, I do like some things.

Then the mind wanders to what I like...

Dare I say I like kissing? Ooooh, and yes, there's a list, and you know the list. C'mon...
Who have I kissed recently? Sic-un, obviously. Sos-u.. (gasp! Yes, I think I did... Let me see... well, the 4th of July. Kissing was part of it. MYGOD/DESSwhatakisser), Switch. J...but I have hopes I can teach J to kiss. Emulation. Example. "No. Hold still. Let ME kiss YOU. Relax." I can do that. He brushes his teeth. Idiot never learned because Idiot never brushed his teeth. Lots of lip-sucking, lapping, not so much tongue-twining, old-timey mash-em up.... Hot kissing. Want.

And then the days off....necessary. SO.Very.Necessary.... It's not the Alternate Dimension. It's the insomnia and the increased libido and the voices... I have to turn off for a little bit. I have to ink. I want to finish my fan. I wanna fuck. I wanna kiss. I wanna get messed up and get messy. I wanna make more chili...food and sex. Sex and food and art and kissing and fucking...

Sorry. Tangent. You see where my mind has been wandering lately? 

Jump back up to FB and the voices in my head... One of my cousins put it the way I dread it being thought about... "You're weird." And J... I put on his shoes for him. One of those stupid little things I like to do, like a phrase I read once that I hear Henry Rollins saying in my head...'wipe your spent cock very neatly.' I do things like that and...
I'm weird... He meant it in a good way, but still.
I want to blend, to a certain degree. I want to function in society until I can escape it. I go off in my dreamland, and that IS my escape, at least until I win that huge pile o' money I keep dreaming about.

Which is why I think about Dante's 7 levels and think he got it wrong...
Something to think about it.
But low on 'Limbo'. I don't believe in 'Hell', as an opposite to 'Heaven'. And I think we all make our own 'Hell'. Mine is apparently fed on insomnia and an overachieving libido.



*GBN=Good ol' Boy Network... It means I don't get shafted for being 'the little woman' in a very male-centric part of the country.

**On the subject of FB: I'll consider adding you as a friend. But don't be offended if the answer is 'No.' And please put any requests to that nature with a little 'I know you from' statement. If I don't get that, I ask for it. You get placed in limbo until I get an answer for that question. Oh. Limbo can be anywhere from 12 to 48 hours. No answer, no soup for you. And it's entirely arbitrary. And if it works the way I have it set up, you gotta know my real identity.

http://secret-identity.net/

slogging along, singing a song....

Sorry.... Couldn't remember what the exact word (it's bobbing. derp) was while typing the title. So I used slogging, which is a perfectly good word. And I have been slogging along, really.

The Alternate Dimension remains the same. Although I do have to say it's been an interesting perspective lately... I've been viewing the drive-time from the back of Sic-un's bike. "Why the bike?" you may be asking yourselves. Well, my tires are in sore need of replacement. And rather than get shafted by the company that I had do them 3 4 years ago-  
TANGENT: National chain sears store that also does automotive work replaced my leaking tires (yes, leaking. From around the rims) for $35 apiece with tire disposal fee of X per tire and valve replacement of X per tire and then came over after starting into it to ask me if I wanted the alignment for only $225. I said no. $165. I said no. So now it's 4 years later and not only are my tires in desperate need of alignment, but they also all have exactly the same wear pattern that shows they got the alignment set to 0 to start before I told them no.
--And my tires need replacing because they're showing cord, or starting to. The (best/cheapest/most highly recommended) place around here does them only Monday through Friday.
"Go in the morning!" you say... That would necessitate getting up at 6 a.m. No. "Skip work!"... Rather not. I'm just now off verbal warning (4 call-ins, they drop 1 every month w/o a call in), and because one of them was a leave early? Yeah. Leave early which counts as 1/2, I am now at 3 1/2. Rather not get yet another fucking verbal write up for my fucking attendance.
AT ANY RATE (get on with it!)..... Since Sic-un's schedule has been changed to match mine (M-F, 11-7:30), we're riding into work together to allow my tires sit time until I have my 3 weekdays off coming up and can go in when the aforementioned (best/cheapest/most highly recommended) tire shop is open. And what luck! It's payday Friday right before my time off.

The meaning of the phrase time off is that: From this point in time (11:16 p.m., 8.19.2010), I work 1 day, then 2 days off, 5 days on, 5 days off (time off requested and received), 2 days on, 2 days off.

AND WHAT LUCK! J managed, WITHOUT PROMPTING, to get off 2 of the 3 weekdays I'm taking off. Didn't ask him to, he just did. And he's made it well known that we will be spending time together. Which is a little freaky in a way, that someone would take that initiative with me the target... I mean, yeah, I've taken time off work to spend very specifically with people, but.... he's doing it for me. He's made it very clear he's doing it for me. And I don't know how I feel about that. I appreciate it, you know, the gesture, but... I didn't ask him to. I was kinda thinking he could maybe come up after he got off work at 1 for one or more days and we could bouncebounce, but before I could really say anything he just told me he had "requested the day off...oh, and the Friday before-You mean you're not taking Friday off... Ok. Hey! I got 2 days off approved, Monday and Tuesday! YAY!"... You see the weird factor there, yes?

I told them quite honestly the 3 days were mental health days. I need some time to ME, if that makes sense (it should)... Sic-un will be with me 3 of those 5 days (sat/sun/mon), J with me 2 of them (one of the days shared w/Sic-un), and I will have Wednesday, September 1, completely to myself. At least for the majority. Which means I can walk around nekkid (guests that weekend, not so much nekkidity), don't have to shut the bathroom door when I go pee (I don't with Sic-un, but again...guests), can turn up the tunes and can sing out loud instead of in my head (I lost my voice to laryngitis too many times to sing effectively any more. I go crackle and Joe Cocker-ish after only a couple bars), I can watch a couple of things I've wanted to catch but it's never really been a good time (I want to watch O Brother, Where Art Thou? again, and see about putting in Dead Man).

I've made plans, I admit. I'm planning on either that Friday night or that Saturday morning hitting my fan again. I itch to have it done. It'll have a few days to start healing before I put clothes back over it. I'm getting my tires that Monday morning. With fresh tires, I'll be able to drive some more, which puts stores other than Wal/K/S/mart at my disposal. Payless Shoes, you know? Yeah, cheap, but... what luck I've had with cheap shoes!  Oooh, Hammer's. It's like a very local Ross. Locally owned/operated, only 4 stores, and the towns are a fair distance apart. But I'm thinking maybe some shopping depending on how much tires really end up costing. Per Sic-un, alignment shouldn't be more than $50 or so from them, a phrase parroted by others. So I may have some, not much, extra cash. Just in time, too... we go back to wearing business casual on Labor Day. SIGH. Although I do kinda like dressing up. It's just not real comfortable for sitting for 7 1/2 hours a day. Unless I can kick off a shoe and put my leg up underneath me.



And, well, I plan on getting myself fucked absolutely silly those 5 days. And there's the possibility that's it's 3, not 2, people that will be inside me. Mmmmmm....goosebumps. You do realize, of course, that there's a big part of me rubbing hands in glee saying "YAY!"




I'm very lucky. I have someone I love very deeply who loves me well who understands I want a bit of variety and is willing to assist in my getting it, if that makes sense. He's... Well, he chaparones. When J and I were together. I just announced "I'm taking him to bed." and I do the same with the 3rd of the fun-fest too. Yes, this is the one called Switch.
Switch because he will and he does and Sic-un enjoys as well. It is apropos. So it's not completely one-sided, which just wouldn't be fair and I wouldn't be able to stand it at all, except Sic-un is...Well, he's just wonderful. He really is. He hasn't partaken of the Switch, just that once, but the option is there, so I don't feel quite as... Well, dammit! I feel guilty that I'm getting laid like a cheerleader and he's not! Except by me, that is...When he or I aren't tired, hungry, sore... The weather has been really fucking with his back. Barometric pressure affecting joints, especially previously damaged joints.

Rain. Muggy and hot and humid as fuck. I thank the weather...we can use the liquid, and being of the desert, I appreciate the rain. I don't appreciate the whole "Get up to 89 which feels like 105 due to the humidity THEN cloud up and rain only to do it again tomorrow" schtick. Nights are in the 70's. My heart says they should be in the 60's by now, and it should be dry, not 97% humidity, air so thick you feel like you're chewing on it... Being of the desert, I miss the sky.

Still, TN does have its own charms. Sic-un is one. J and Switch are 2 other very charming bits. The rain is good for this desert girl, and I'm appreciative I have a job, health, a car that does run. It's a good time, but I'm still slogging through to time off...

From the Really? and the W.T.F?!?! files...

...First,

REALLY? Oh, gee whiz, what have I said all along? HFCS is NOT the same as sugar. Not. Not close, not the same. Different. Very different. And now, via Consumerist, Cancer Cells Get Fat From HFCS Too.  I highly recommending reading the blurb (which does distill it down pretty good) on Consumerist, click through for the abstract if you want. I did. It's interesting. And my feelings of vindication continue...

Now,

W.T.F?!?!
So I jumped in the sack with J, right? And I've been sleeping with Sic-un (DUH!) for over 4 years now. Well, there's been one other, too, kinda recently... Let's call him Switch. At least for now. And multitudes of others including the Artist and PB and TD in the past. All in all, I'd say I've been to bed with somewhere around 30-50 people (mainly because I don't want to sit and think actual numbers right now)..A fair number. The named ones above have all wanted, requested, thought it would be really neat if I'd slap on a strap-on and fuck them silly with it. Switch noticed how small my hands are and shivered at the thought of me fisting his ass.
I have slapped on said strap-on for Sic-un. It's not... It's not objectionable. I don't necessarily want to make it a part of my usual day-to-day sex life, but it's not objectionable, it's a bit of a power-trip and yeah, it's a turn-on to a certain degree. And Sic-un and I have made fisting a regular thing, and he's let me do him, it's not just a one-way... However... Beyond Sic-un (and J, which is kind-of neat that he'd actually feel me out on it, so to speak), I haven't discussed ass play with any of them except in the most general terms-and that's usually when they're trying to put their finger up my ass without warning.*

So, why me? What the fuck? Does something about me scream out "Let me dominate you"? 'Cause that's one hell of a domination, that strap-on. Don't think so? You're going to put yourself in THAT VULNERABLE of a position, ass first, with a strap on and someone who admittedly has some issues and you're going to say it's not a domination/submission act? What have you been smoking and can I have some?

Sic-un says it's because I'm actually open to sex in general, and a big follower of the 'If it feels good, and all parties consent, GO FOR IT!' camp. He says that around that kind of attitude, something in the male mind says "Ooooh, lemme lay this fantasy on her," and pretty much says it's a common fantasy and not personal or anything.

But... All the men I've been to bed with recently, even stretching back through Idiot, even TD, even the Artist... They've all come off as being rather butch, kind-of aggressive, they all seem like they have the ability to take control in bed**, and they are all rather decisive people when it comes to likes and dislikes and such, and they will defend their opinions vehemently. So they all come off as kinda tough, and Sic-un is scary-tough (apparently...going grocery with him is a hoot. He gets ready to wedge and the little old ladies get out of his way). But in bed?

It's almost as if they're all asking me to top them. And I don't know why.
I'm not a top. I'm not a bottom. I'm kinda lazy and I like being nurtured in bed, and in return, you'll get some fun fucking times. But the whole role-play thing? D/s? S/m? I get it, but it doesn't really do a whole lot for me except as a kick now and again. I'd rather laugh in bed, not cry. Like anal, like fisting. It's nice... It can be so very very nice... But it's not necessary.

Now, nobody involved has ever made me feel like it's a vitally important thing I get a strap-on and plunder their (collective) asses. But it's been requested. And...strenuously? And often enough that I'm saying WTF... What I'd really like to know is why, meaning not 'Why do you want it?' but moreso "Why do you want it from me?"

Anyone have any clues for me?? Please???? And you can say 'Well, ask them!" all you want, but I have tried and the 2 answers I got were basically "Well, it feels good." I know it feels good. WHY ME IN A STRAP ON? Can't I just get a rubber glove and go play? Can I grab one of the myriad dildos and go to it? Why does it have to be me in a strap-on???? WHY GO TO THE RIDICULOUS????

OK. I feel moderately better. But really. Gimme a clue. Why ME in a strapon???


**********EDIT**********
This is to satisfy a question on this this morning. Anal is NOT MY FAVORITE THING, however, I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO SAY I WANT ANAL BECAUSE IT CAN BE ENJOYABLE.
Thank you.
**********END EDIT**********

*Note on anal: It's not my favorite thing, I have to be either really in the mood for it or have some sort of numbing agent on hand, but it can be enjoyable, and I have gone to bed with some people strictly for the anal.

**I don't necessarily want to be dominated in bed, but I don't want to call all the shots. Honestly? I'd really rather lay back and let you have your way with me and you just let me enjoy the hell out of you getting your thing on, 'cause I can guarantee Darkneuro's Magic Buttons(tm) will get pressed. 

stormy weather

I stood outside in the rain tonight for the first time in over a year. The lightning had stopped by the time the rain started coming down appreciably.  There's a difference in the raindrops when it's just misting and then when it's started coming down in earnest, but still gently. The texture of the wet is different. The former just leaves you feeling a bit damp and unsatisfied. The latter runs down your arms and drips down the nape of your neck, gathering the salt from the sweat of the day, diluting it and washing it away.
The latter is a cleansing rain.
The former just makes you feel sticky, especially here. 90% humidity can feel like someone punching you in the chest, and has chased me into air conditioning more than once.
I knew the rain was chasing away the salt in my skin because I could taste it.
I wanted to be on my knees swallowing a pretty dick, the rain coming down all around and on me, feeling the drops on my scalp through my hair, on my shoulders through my shirt, tasting it on my lips, my tongue, saltiness from the rivulets coming down the flesh, soaking up the wet, the damp, the cool into fevered flesh...

Yes, I'm horny.
I'm really really horny.
I want to explore some of my...more complicated fantasies.
Those would be the ones with more than one person. Still... Wanting and having are 2 different things and I shouldn't want more than I have.
Hell, I've got more sex than I can shake a stick at.
I keep expecting to hear James Earl Jones saying "The libido is strong in this one." YES, I know. Silly, but still. I'm walking horny. My brain shuts down my body for a week or so during my period, but only because I don't want to deal with the mess involved, so sex becomes a solitary adventure, played out in the shower or with rubber gloves and a towel. So the libido doesn't quit. Ever. And it's getting worse. I'm starting to look at women the way I do men. That would be the old 'Would you hit it?' question. But every guy in my vicinity. J? Oh my yes. Sos-u? *whine-whine*...J(2)? Ooooh, his gf, too. She's short and cute. Mako, Squishy, hell, even married guys are targeting now. Sic-un? YES, please and thank you.
I feel hungry for flesh and biting and teeth and pounding and sweating and screaming...
The good kind of screaming.

I wonder what J is doing Sunday...