8.03.2013

Look inside...

December, 2011, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer.


May, 2012, my mother was pronounced to be in remission, just in time to see my nephew graduate high school. I was there. It was a good time, I left feeling heartened. Remission is good, life is good.
September, 2012, there were more spots. They tried the 2nd round of chemo. The chemical soup destroyed her immune system. She almost died. She began to come back from that, a little.
October, 2012, they started her on a 3rd round of chemo, more of a maintenance, slower acting chemo. The spots weren't growing, were actually shrinking.

December, 2012.

I went home for Christmas. It was a good time. I was able to spend time in the 'bosom of my family'. My nephew was in boot camp, but we talked to him by phone, it was nice. It was home. My mother weighed less than she did in high school, and it flummoxed her. Her short term memory was hit or miss, but she was still Mom. Thinner, her auburn hair a memory, plagued by cataracts, she still laughed. Her doctor allowed her to put a hold on the chemo for the holidays. They would start back up in January.
January, 2013.
Mom was back on chemo, then scans. We talked a couple times, but I was busy with work, and my life, still, she was OK. "I'm still standing," she would say. Then she'd laugh, tell me something she told me 10 minutes ago, we'd start again, she was feeling good.
February, 2013.
I got a call from Dad. Mom went down, was non-responsive. She was transported to the hospital. Scans showed she had very little viable lung tissue left. She was mostly non-responsive. They transported her to hospice.
She rallied, a bit, in hospice. My sister came in from Utah. My nephew flew in from his A school for the Navy. I was able, through the wonders of G+, to see my mother, to tell my mother how much I loved her, that she was the best mom I could ever hope for and I loved her very much. "I love you, too."

Those were the last words my mother ever said to me.

I compartmentalize. I put things in boxes, taking them out, looking at them every now and again, putting them away again, to rest and simmer and stew until another day, when I can open the box and take it out and look at it. 
I went back in March for Mom's memorial. Dad brought Mom's things to me in May. I'm looking right at the box for her computer. It was purchased in November, 2012. It's 8 years newer than mine. It's still in the box. Her jewelry is still in a bag. Her paints, her sewing stuff, her art stuff, all in boxes. 
I compartmentalize. And I'm still not ready to open the boxes. 

7.20.2013

Find your abandonia someplace else...

Someone commented that this must be an abandoned blog. No, no, not really.
Just...
at a loss.
My mother died in February. We packed up her stuff in March. It still hurts.
I have a secondary. He's a travellin' man. Truck driver, on the road...most of the time.
My ConMan is in town now.
I'll write more, eventually.
But abandoned? No. Just... Don't feel like a whole lot of introspection right now....

6.03.2012

Hunting, chats and home....

So I went home for the child's graduation. He has graduated. And no...you can't really go home again. The house is a different color, but I haven't lived there for 10 years. Still, I know where everything is. It's a weird dichotomy, seeing the new overlaid with the old. The area has grown by leaps and bounds, but still the sky remains.
The child has also enlisted in the military. He's going into cryptography, in the Navy. At least to start. At least as of now. He hits bootcamp in August. I'm busting my buttons, I'm that proud. No, I don't feel he's going away to die in a senseless action. I think he's going to grow as a person and become whole in his own right.
My mother is in remission, for now. It's a relief. My father is old, and now I feel very Alice in Wonderland, 'You are old, Father William'.... I miss the sky in the desert. Even now, even after seeing to so close for so many days in so many permutations....I miss the sky in the desert.



But I am home now.
My body decided to whammy me...I had cramps bad enough last week to double me over and make me want to throw up. Not a fun thing when the spasms from your uterus come so fast it ripples your tummy and makes yo fall down in pain. So I missed work I must make up for. I'm happy it didn't happen in Albuquerque.

The hunting....The guy with the bike is...off, somehow. Not as on as he was. He seems interested, he seems not interested. He is an enigma. Muscles, however, has become a bit more to the front. Sigh, oh well. It passes the time while I'm in the alternate dimension. J is getting a new schedule, and mentioned that it will now give him time to come hang out. I certainly hope he's not planning on bringing his girl with him. I don't like her. It's not jealousy, it's the fact that I would have nothing to do with her if it weren't for J. And I don't want anything to do with her in spite of J. She gives off bad juju vibes.

The chat in the title....I was invited into a private chat on G+. I turned him down. He's nice enough, I suppose, considering I don't know him and he's 1/2 way around the world. But there's something dissatisfying about chat. It  doesn't do it for me. There are very very few people in the world that have been able to spark my brain enough for anything but them actually being there to do anything for me. In spite of my libido being what it is, I get more out of reading porn than hot chatting strangers on the internet. And a big part of me wants to point people who invite me into private chats over to ASSTR or something, if they want to read about throbbing body parts... I understand the appeal. But...hot chat is just an extension of phone sex. And I don't get the appeal of phone sex, either. It rarely does anything for me. It takes someone special to spark the brain. So I turned him down.
And then I realized he didn't remember from the last time I turned him down for a private chat. How odd is that, I thought, that he doesn't remember 'She doesn't chat', and then I looked...he follows several hundred people. How many of them ARE willing to chat with a complete stranger over the 'net?
The difference between them and me is that I have discriminating tastes that say 'complete strangers are to be held at an arm's length, but loved ones are as close as the phone or the computer'
What a dichotomy I am sometimes.....

5.13.2012

Wabbit Season. Duck Season. Wabbit Season....

...I keep telling myself "Do not hunt at work." It's difficult. It's not that I want to trade Sic-un in or anything (no way in hell would I ever...he's too precious), but variety is the spice of life and I find myself being....hungry, almost, for a little flavor, a little spice. And since things with J have turned out well*, I want to get that same flavor/spice option back again.
So I find myself hunting at the Dimension. This time among the new people. The guy who rides the bike is the most likely target at this point, although there is a surprise candidate in Blondie. She is just cuter than dammit and I wanna make her cry. That's all I can tell you. She intrigues me. The guy who rides the bike...he's more visceral of a turn-on, and it's not even a 'turn-on' per se, more of a 'what if' that starts revving engines and making body parts get ideas... Now, Muscles would be fun to play with, but completely superficial...I think he fancies himself somewhat of a 'player'. He has a there, but his there and my there don't make anyplace, if that can be deciphered. The hippy guy is just... I don't want to go anywhere that brain goes, if that makes sense. I think he took too much.
So the guy who rides the bike... He's about 5'10 or so, dark hair, I'd say he's in his late 20's, early 30's. We have literally just talked in passing. He knows of Sic-un's presence and place in my life, but he doesn't know about our relationship protocols (in passing does not equal deep conversations about whether or not I can fuck around, to put it baldly). I don't know if he has a girlfriend, boyfriend, is or is not looking. No clue.
But he's targeted. And my little guy in my head who keeps things straight for me keeps running around posting up signs telling me No Hunting in the Office.
Plus there's the fact that this is East TN and the climate for the low-key poly I want is seriously overcast.
Yes, you do see what I did there.
I'm flying back to Albuquerque within the week. The Con-man is graduating (my bayybeee boyyyy1!1!!) and still (insert proud here, kids) wants to be a Pilot so he can fly Planes. He decided that when he was practically an infant. This does mean military, methinks. He is being smart and choosing Navy, I think. I think it would help if he has a pilot's license before he goes in, that's what I really think, but... I am the worried (poor) Benevolent Aunt, so I will keep my mouth shut about it. But still. Albuquerque within a week. I'm looking forward to the sun at the correct angle in the sky. Even at noon, the sun is off-center here. And not just a couple inches of shadow either, we're talkin' a full foot in the summer, three in the winter. It rides low in the sky, never making the apex. I need to be scoured by the sand, heated by the sun. I fear I am growing mold here, and want that fine-grained scrub, that drying out.
I need Family. I need people that look like me, those beloved faces. I need those pollens in the air in the desert at this time of year. I need to breathe the air of Home.
And I need to quit hunting at work. There's probably a regulation against it or something, too....


*J... J has a girlfriend now. I wasn't asked my opinion until after the fact, gave my opinion and it has not been mentioned again... She is Not what I would have picked for him, and I think he's being...not needy himself, but I think he sees himself as 'rescuing' her in part, and I wouldn't pick that for anyone. She's very co-dependent and rather wishy-washy.  I still, very very much, love J and will continue to love him. And that's a cool thing.

5.07.2012

I've got a loverly bunch of....

....
C'mon...admit it...you thought 'coconuts', didn't you? I did. I've been a bit...flighty lately. I'm going to Albuquerque. I leave in 10 days. I've been occupied with that. There's a ton of new eye candy in the Alternate Dimension (or is that Demention?). I've been occupied with that. Apparently I've been doing really well in the AD and didn't even know it, so I've been getting minor spiffs here and there like being allowed to walk & answer questions instead of sit and answer the phone. It breaks up the day. And I got a new schedule, which I really have been enjoying. Now watch...they'll take it away from me.
Yes, I'm being pessimistic.
Like the eye candy. A cute hippy dude (another J, if you can believe that), a rather fit specimen (R), and then a guy with a bike (T). Please note I did not say biker. He's not. He's a guy with a bike. He is, however, geeky. And he gets my sick, sad little jokes. And then there's The Blonde. She's 21, hot little body, cuter than dammit...I wanna make her cry. But nothing will happen of it, I know this. I'm me and they're them and it's the AD, and nothing will happen because this is the South and Sic-un is mine and I 'belong' to him, so I'm off limits. In all ways.....
Silly, silly AD...
And then there's... He knows who he is. He's been occupying much of my thoughts lately. Songs go through my head. Older, hotter, deeper...Throbby. He knows, the sly dog...Insert quiet smile here, kids.
And Sic-un. I worry. His back. He's sick. Waiting on an appointment time for a gastro. And Sosu...He's been worrisome lately.
Good news on the mother front. The chemo has, apparently, worked, she is now in remission. Sighs of relief were heard across the land, but I won't be good until I see her.
I miss my Mommy.
But it's made me a bit flighty. I'm thinking in blurbs, small bits. Things will capture my attention and I'll think ooooh, shiny! and then bounce to the other thing. Today, for instance. I went shoe shopping this morning (wearing a dress, needed a pair of shoes that were not black or brown....So I wound up with 2 coral pairs), came home, made flatbread, did laundry, washed dishes, cooked dinner....Simultaneously. I'd do bits of 1 thing, then move to another, then do bits of yet another thing...
All while interspersing my day with TED talks....
o_0
And then bits of philosophy go through my head. My own, I'm afraid. Like how I view love and loving someone. It's like trying to explain our relationship (Sic-un). I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. I know this. But I hope to love many others along the way to 'the rest of my life'. He's my LUMP (living with unmarried partner), but life is too short for one flavor of ice cream, dammit! I want to find him some cute young thing to play with...but then I think about his back and it makes me sad. But there is no guilt over contemplating tripping some of these in the eye candy section. And it's not no guilt because nothing will come of it, it's no guilt because...
There is no cheating (and) We're completely honest with each other.
And then I start thinking about family and what I eventually want. I want a large property that I can have my loved people around me on. Gardens and makerspaces...
So you see my scatter, my flighty, my shiny.
So back to the TED. Hopefully I'll kill insomnia tonight. The new schedule has me up an hour earlier, but it doesn't matter because I'm up before the alarm is usually anyway.
Peace, lovers.....

3.11.2012

I'll take "Sleep!" for $100, Alex!

Another bout of insomnia... Friday, I got up at 8:15, did my work thing, had grandiose plans to 'catch up' on sleep this weekend. Splurged, since Friday was Money Transfer Day (formerly known as Payday) on a sammie from Firehouse, and just kinda relaxed. Finished the grocery shopping list, did as little as possible otherwise, started looking at recipes for sourdough again (I'm still breading it... It's a fascinating process to observe and take part in...And putting yeast into a hot oven to kill it satisfies my more...Machiavellian urges...), just a general relaxing evening.

Although Sosu was supposed to show up at some time. Sic-un had told him (after talking to him earlier in the day) that I wouldn't be home until about 8, 8:30. I came home at 8:15, actually. So. 12 hours after I get up, I'm home from work for the weekend and my evening is looking pretty good, I'm relaxed and I have noshed (and since it's becoming my habit to not eat again, it was a good thing).

Sic-un came home from work at 11:15 or so, ate and was in bed by 1. He had to work Saturday morning, so wanted to sleep.

I would have liked sleep, too, but insomnia struck. I was looking at 2:00a.m Saturday wondering if I'd sleep. Sosu knocked at 2:15 a.m. He spent the night (yes, he was alone, I slept with Sic-un. I ain't touchin' that one again unless I'm asked to. Boy gets a girlfriend and gets a 'don't touch me' complex. Repeat: I ain't touchin' that one again unless I'm asked to.), was in bed about 3ish. I wasn't really paying attention when he went down. I was wondering if I'd go down.

Blinked a few times, looked at the clock, decided I'd better go to bed, see what I could do. It was 4:38 a.m. on Saturday.

I was only dozing when Richard woke up and got out of bed for work, and had left him a note asking him to wake me about 8. I wanted to go grocery and butcher and start cleaning this filthy, filthy house. One of my rules of Spring, especially when it is trying so hard to convince me that it is indeed Springing... I saw 2 robins fucking on my way to work at the beginning of the week. I get the urge to clean and sanitize and wipe down and scrub.

So. I went to bed at 4:38. I tossed and turned and tried all my tricks and what-not and ended up counting (one mississippi, 2 mississippi, etc etc ad nauseum)up to six thousand something and gave up. Eventually dozed. Richard got up, I continued dozing...I estimate I got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep, between 6:30 and 8:00, Saturday morning.

Up, not exactly running, quite bearish until I got showered and dressed and went to the butcher. I love having a butcher right here... Their bacon is SO FUCKING GOOD! Their ground beef? I've had the chuck and the round. It's perfect. Perfect. I am not buying my staple beef anywhere else. We're trying the sausage tomorrow, and their hot dogs...well, Chicago style dogs that they make there on the premises? Yeah. Sublime. Thick cut chops, tenderloin that will melt in your mouth? Yeah. Spices? Yeah. I love my butcher.

Came home, cleaned the kitchen (kinda). I did dishes, I scrubbed the stove inside & out, scrubbed god-knows-how-much-crap off the window in the kitchen... I needed cleaning supplies, but Sosu hadn't woken up yet, and he doesn't have a key any more, and Sic-un wasn't home yet... I laid down on the couch about 5:15 to take a nap. My eyes were heavy, and I couldn't move. Hour later? Yeah, Sic-un came home. Sosu got up (he slept for 15 hours or so, lucky shit). I woke up, went to the grocery. The drive was fun.

On the way there: At a light, waiting for it to go green. I'm in the left lane, they're in the right (it's a van, a silver van). The light turns green. I go straight. The silver van turns LEFT across the lane I'm in behind me, across the turn lane (so convenient, it's right there!), and across the facing 2  lanes of traffic... I actually used the phrase "Jesus Fucking Christ-on-a-bike, in a clown costume...." to describe the antics of one of my fellow drivers.  That phrase came out of my mouth. I've been saying Christ on a bike since I picked it up from Idiot's mother. Jesus Fucking Christ is ubiquitous.

I have no idea where the clown costume came from.

Anyway...

Left the grocery early after making my way to the beer aisle. That was early. From the bottom of list up: paper goods, canned tomato/veg, baking products, condiments and charcoal, lunch meat, fresh veggies, bakery/jam/nut aisle, beer...I still had frozen, pharma (lip balm and vitamins) and dairy to go...And I forgot dry milk powder (breading). Some freakin' asshole freaked me out. I said 'excuse me?' with a big smile because I was reaching for the pickles (Claussen's are on sale at Kroger!) and didn't want to startle him in any way and he went off on me, pretty much asking me why the hell I was talking to him. I told him I wanted the pickles. He followed me around after that and I thought it was prudent to leave.

So now it's 3:45 a.m., I've taken something to hopefully MAKE me sleep (and I'm getting cottonmouthy, so that's a good sign).
I've had approximately 2 1/2 hours sleep in the past what? 40 hours or so?? I want sleep, dammit... And I want to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours.

And I have to go back to the grocery tomorrow to pick p the dairy and the pharma and the frozen, and this time I will remember the damn dry milk...

2.24.2012

Ruminations on the number '42'

42... Douglas Adams had it pegged as the answer to 'life, the universe, EVERYTHING'. So I'm taking that as my cue for this next year. I would rather that than 'The world is my oyster'... My mother once described oysters as 'black snot balls', years and years and years ago. I have had oysters. I don't like oysters. My mother's voice in my head has taken care of that.
I've had the day off work, and I spent it in the kitchen, and on the couch (watching tv randomly). In the kitchen making my (now) annual Lemon Meringue Pie. I still don't like birthday cake. Cloying, over-sweet icing made with shortening... Or I can have an all-butter crust with homemade Meyer lemon curd topped with meringue whipped up in my handy-dandy KitchenAid.
I'll have pie, please.
I feel very blessed. Not by 'God/dess' or anything, just... by the universe. I have made it through. I am no longer, not by a long shot, a child. I survived. Given the fact that humans are quite fragile in their own right, and I haven't exactly had it super-duper easy (not that I've had to work in a mine or anything, but the emotional abuse over the years?) Pssshhht... Bring it on. I survived. I have family I love, I have a painted man who still makes me blush and stammer like a schoolgirl, lovers I hold in my heart and in my head and in my hands. I love my friends, and I have no real enemies. I have people I don't like-just flat out don't like and will go out of my way to avoid, and I have people who are attracted to me, but I'm not attracted to them. Not in a sexual way, in a friendship way. Those people, they're outside my sphere.
I have others I'd like in my sphere, but they dance about the edge, just that infinitesimal amount of inaccessible. Such is life on this pale blue dot, and still we want.
I want.
And the next 42 years?
Bring 'em on!

12.29.2011

a call in the dark....

...come back to us!!!
 From Coopernicus.

I heeded the call. It has, after all, been since Halloween. We had zero trick or treaters. ZERO. Nicht. Nada. Zip. Nothing.  I was (vaguely) disappointed, but this is the Bible Belt...Or the buckle thereof. Pick your bit of the belt, how's that?
Then a zip through November, fraught with various illnesses and malaise, a trip to the ER for my painted man, headcolds and stomach viruses all around...  I do work in a call center. It is on par with a daycare for illnesses. A good Thanksgiving was had (we had guests! J2&TRex(with baby bump in tow!) showed up unexpectedly). I think I should just get used to the fact that nobody RSVPs, and if I invite people over, I should just plan for a crowd and clean accordingly.  Got responses on Samhain and nobody showed up. No responses for Turkeyday and we had guests. Go figure. So I'm just going to remember 'If you invite them, they may come', and not wait for a 'Yes, I'll be there' to run a vacuum and put up my laundry piles.
I also managed to complete another NaNoWriMo, and I'm still writing it. Reliquary of Dreams. Time travel. If you want the link, EMAIL ME and I'll hook you up.

So that brings us to December in this listing of things and stuff. December. Cold. I think of December and I think 'It's going to be cold. Very cold. All the light will go away and it will be cold.' The light goes away because it's at the wrong angle in the sky to begin with here... having your golden orb hanging about 10 degrees off what it should be (subjectively) isn't fun at all and messes with my sense of time. But it hasn't been cold. Up until the last 2 weeks or so, we've been warm. Warm. 60's warm. But I still got sick. Still have the chest part of it, too. I was an early adopter of this particular cold (one of the supervisors just came down with it), getting it on the 8th...How do I know? Because I stayed home on the 9th (aced out on that one-thought I was calling in sick only to hear there were system issues and everyone was home). Then I missed the 12th, too. Still ill. Then it settled into a chest cold (it's not bronchitis...not severe enough-just a continuing cough) and there it sits, still gathering & clearing my winter sniffles.

Then, my stress levels went through the roof. As if it weren't enough (not to sound like I'm whining, but it feels like I'm whining and maybe I am, but I don't want to-does that make sense???) that money is tight not only due to the economy in general-
tangent: Milk here, whole milk, is at $3.58 a gallon. WHAAAA? 2 years ago, it was $2.19 a gallon. shakin' my head, i'm shakin' my head...
-not only due to the economy in general, but I've been sick, Sic-un's been sick (including his trip to the ER), so hours spent at work are down-which creates less money- the circle means it's tight...
Then I get a call from my dad. on...the 15th? 16th? one of the 2.
Mom's in the hospital. She couldn't breathe, so they took her in. Admitted. They took two liters of fluid out of one of her lungs. Yeah. Hold a 2 liter bottle up to your chest. Now. Drain that from one lung. Yeah.
They run their tests. She tells me Monday they found 'spots'. No more information, just 'they found spots' and 'more tests'. My anxiety and panic attacks start. Brief little random attacks of the little guy in my skull freaking out on me...I breathe and they go away. So I'll be ok, Mom'll be OK, not a problem, we got this.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011, I found out my mother has lung cancer.

Here's your kiss and punch, kiddo: It has not metastasized, but it's very aggressive. Oooh, more passive-aggression: Your mother will be having chemo for Christmas, radiation on her birthday (NYE...grampa's little tax deduction). Per my father.
It wasn't until i spoke to my sister 3 days later that I found out what was really going on. Still a 1-2 punch combo, but not nearly as dire as Dad made it.
Yes, it's aggressive. No, it has not metastasized. It responds very well to chemo. Stage 1. Stage 1. Small-cell sarcanoma. Her lung started filling up with fluid again, so they sent her to ICU with a respirator and a drain. She was getting enough oxygen, just not expelling enough CO2.  They started the chemo, it has been responding. All plusses. ALL PLUSSES. Potentially out of the hospital this weekend. She does chemo for 6 months on a 21 day rotation, light radiation to protect her brain and other internals from any radicals after the chemo is finis, she'll be good. They've found dead cancer cells in the fluids she's been getting rid of. The doctor says the fluid expulsion is basically her body fighting it the only way it can.
All is good on the Mom front, right?

I feel like I'm losing my mind.  The anxiety attacks have become almost a daily happenstance. Out of nowhere, the little guy in my head starts screaming for Momma....My heart pounds, my breathing becomes labored, I start to sweat, my stomach knots, sounds go wonky and my vision blurs because I've suddenly teared up. This morning's episode lasted somewhere around 4 hours... About 15 minutes before I left the house, here comes the shakes and the thought 'Ok, slow down. Stop. Just be still, breathe' because I know all hell is about to break loose in my skull and I can't control it and it's going to go physio...
I have to coach myself through my calls so I don't start berating the customers. My smile is plastered on my face like so much makeup if anyone who isn't an intimate friend looks at me. I have to count my breathing because otherwise I start hyperventilating. People standing around me talking makes me want to curl up and scream with my hands over my ears. Little things are becoming big things. We're switched to stadium seating for a few weeks while reorganization of the teams takes place-Oh.My.God. It's just a seat switch, right? Not working for me. Not working at all. Other phonepads don't sound right. They have a buzz. This chair sucks, that one does too. This computer is slow. I want my old seat back. 'We switched to stadium seating' becomes 'Why the fuck did you let that snotty little fucking lisping cow sit in MY SEAT?!?!' Little becomes big. Someone annoys me, just their voice or mannerism or hell, they BREATHE and it kills me for a couple of days. I get a coaching ('you did this wrong') and I want to quit. The only thing that's preventing me from it is that I really don't want to go looking for another job, and, well... Back to money.
I can't afford missed work. I can't afford a shrink (even with insurance). I can't afford a doctor, frankly. I don't have a primary, so I'm left with the stupid 'take care' clinic that's great for diagnosing a sinus infection, but pretty much useless for anything else. So I'm self-medicating when I'm off work and aum-aum-aum-ing my way through each. fucking. workday. Because I can't call in to make myself better, and I can't afford a doctor to make me better.
And I still owe the hospital for my ER bill from JULY when I had my toe xrayed.
And someone ran into Lancelot while I was in the store getting sodas and beer a couple nights ago. Lovely little dent by the driver's door, towards the rear. Some old lady from 2 rows over said she saw it and 'he just drove away before I could pull out a pen for his license plate'.
Thanks. My one possession worth any money at all and now it's severely damaged. It was his best saving grace...He didn't have any body damage. Well, that's fucked now.
Christmas really really sucked this year. Sic-un did get me a new mouse. I loves it. HE got new slippers and a shirt and some new hats. I gave my other loves baked goods and candy. It's all I could really afford.

So stress is through the roof and the insomnia is worse and I feel like crap and I want to just huddle in a ball and cry for a month on my momma's lap.

How are you?

http://www.signs-of-stress.com/images/StressSymptoms.gif

10.31.2011

Happy Samhain!





The wheel turns, the wheel burns, and it is Samhain again, the time when the veil between the worlds is thinnest and anything is possible during the New Year....


Above is my contribution to the Pumpkin Patch this year... He's gonna go out on the porch 'round about 6ish, 7ish...whenever.
I'm being 'loose' this year. We are having people over-almost as an afterthought. I decided I wanted to make soda bread and Irish Beef Stew (with Guinness!), and TRex&J2 were at loose ends, so they were invited to dinner, and J is at loose ends, so he's invited to dinner...
Sic-un is currently taking a nap and I've been cooking.
Bread, then stew. And the stew is simmering.
The house is clean.
Laundry is done.
I'm wearing clean clothes.
The house smells good (stew-YUMYUM)...
I think I'm gonna hit my pipe and kick back a few until people start arriving...If they do. If they don't, no biggie.
Like I said...I'm being 'loose' this year.

Happy Halloween, my loves. Be safe and be smart and have a ton of fun.

10.22.2011

auuuummmmmm.....auuuummmmm.....

I can't seem to stay away.
Yes, I propositioned J again. Well, actually, it was pointing out that since he works 3rd shift with Sunday and Mondays off and hobbies and a life and stuff and I work 2nd shift with Saturday & Sunday off and my own hobbies and life and stuff, there was nothing preventing me from dropping by his place, say...some Saturday morning? Until now, it's been here, either in the closet (when Sosu was still here, if he happened to be home/sleeping) or in the spare room (formerly Sosu's-it's a tangent).
And then a bit later in the conversation/discussion, I asked him if he wanted company.
I now have 3 large-ish hickeys as a necklace.
I gave as good as I got, although with him latched on lamprey-like to my collarbone, I was able to reach his pec instead of his collarbone for my own serious marking...Yes, serious. Deep burgundy, almost purple. Including an artistic little triangular one.
And I had to be mostly quiet. I think I did OK at that...for the most part. Jury's still out.
It was a thoroughly enjoyable way to spend the morning.

And then tonight, I made turkey & dumplings since Sic-un can't eat chicken (and there's a girl at work whose mother is the same the way). It was heavenly. I roasted the turkey bits beforehand (a breast tenderloin and a bone-in, skin on thigh) with just a dab of butter and some seasoning. Then I threw 1/2 an onion (chopped) and a carrot (chunked) into some chicken broth (ultra processed chicken=ok for Sic-un) with the bones & nasty bits from the roasted with the pan juices. Let that go about 1 1/2 hours, seasoned it to perfection. The meat was chopped & waiting in the roasting dish (too small an amount for a pan-I used my Corningware casserole dish). I strained the broth into the meat, pulled the fond, threw the meat & now strained broth into a simmer, waited about 1/2 an hour. Again adjusted seasoning, throwing in some poultry seasoning mix I have. Let that go about 1 hour. Then dumplings. I used the Betty Crocker recipe, using soda instead of powder. Still turned out. I let the dumplings go about 10 minutes, then threw in small new redskin potatoes and some frozen corn for veg. Then another half hour, 45 minutes. The dumplings, for the most part, disintegrated into the broth, making it super creamy rich.
I had 2 bowlsful.

Sosu is an enigma right now. He was living here, then not. His stuff is still here, but he hasn't darkened the door in over a month. Part of his time has been spent in Washington, I know that. Sic-un's father, a very, VERY dashing man (he gave the impression he'd be perfectly at home flinging a scarf over his shoulder as he rescued his lady love) recently ... There is no good way to say someone has died, you know?  A sudden attack of cancer, actually. No, really. His PET scan was the ...6th and he was in the hospital the evening of the 8th. Never really left it, although they got him into hospice care. My beautimous Sic-un is broken from it. I wish I could make him feel better.

And that's been the latest. Otherwise, it's just apathy and stress for the most part.


9.21.2011

argh.

i have no idea what to write...
I can talk about J flabbergasting me this evening by telling me I have him wrapped around my little finger if I want to assert that...
I don't know how I feel about this, it just flabbergasted me. And I'm still a bit poleaxed over it.... I don't like that kind of control over people. I don't like giving people that kind of control over me and I don't like having that kind of control. I made a pithy comment about 'Autonomy!' and left it at that, which was decidedly unsatisfying.
What do you tell people that say (in effect) "You have huge amounts of power over me"?

The alternate dimension is grating on me lately. We got a new supervisor of supervisors. I would say no big deal, but you know how you can just feel that someone doesn't like you and will never like you, that you just rub them the wrong way so it's best if you stay out of direct contact? Yeah...doesn't work so well if they're above the person above you.
You start wondering if everything you do is wrong or if your job is in jeopardy because you might have said or done something months and potentially years ago to piss off the big boss. It's been stressful, to say the least. And it's all well and good to say 'take a day off', but apparently, I can't even do that properly. Sic-un has been hollerin' to gather up PTO and take a 'real' vacation next year. So I requested time off as unpaid. Denied. Ok. So I can't take time off unless it's paid. OK... So now I have to take all time off as paid and there goes any vacation plans for the future because my attendance at the place is shit. As soon as one absence rolls off, I manage to get another one. I've been on 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 absences for a fucking year now. So I'm trying to get my attendance cleaned up so I CAN call in for the bullshit days, when I really can't muster up the bubble, you know? And yes. Attendance counts. Each absence stays on your record for a month, if you don't call in for a month, you get 1 absence off. So what's been happening with mine, you may ask. I got it down to 2 1/2 and then headache. Or cramps so bad I can't move. Or car fucked up, or broken toe or sick... It counts unless I go to the doctor (money I can't afford) and get a note and a 'return to work by' date..

And the stress...it weighs heavily.

It's all coming down to money, unfortunately. I keep hoping to win the jackpot (faithfully buying $5 in tickets every payday), and realize I won't, but I can hope to get it. I was going to take Monday & Tuesday off to go find a couch since I have to shop for it and arrange for delivery and all that... That's what I was denied. The reason? Oh, well, you have the weekends to go shopping.
I didn't ask for your validation of my reason. I asked for approval to not show up to work and get something done that needed done.

I'm just having a bad time of it. I'm under stress and not sleeping and not hungry for food, although I'll take junk food at any time, apparently. I"m poor and I hate my job and I want to have FUN and there isn't a whole lotta fun. I've just got a lot of people wanting to use me as a sounding board and nobody wants to hear me. "OOOh, I've got this new gaming group up even though you have no interest in this particular game, I'm going to wax poetic about it for your entire break!' Thin smile and no interest doesn't work. I'm going to have to be direct and blunt and I hate to be direct and blunt. I suck at it. I stammer and my face turns red and it's embarrassing-the blushing, not the tasks- to have your face go bright red at a moment's notice.


So. Stress. And no...just to forestall any helpful suggestions: A stress ball does NOT work for this. I'm gonna have to tough it out. But thanx for listening I appreciate it.

9.01.2011

lost links...

Guys, had to edit page & kill blogrolling. If you want a link, let me know and I'll be adding links back too...just have to find my addresses ;)

8.25.2011

Something about Wednesday...

Yes, Dear Reader, I know it's Thursday. It's actually 9:11 am on Thursday, and I've been up since 6:45. Awake since 6:38. Sitting here, in the quiet morning, it occurred to me that my worst insomnia days are Wednesdays. I took a muscle relaxant last night, threw a Mike's on top, and it still took me forever to be tired enough to fall asleep... I went to bed at 2:15 this morning, after waking up at 7:50 Wednesday morning. 4 1/2 hours of sleep.
I don't like this. I really don't like my insomnia and long for the days where I could sleep for 14 hours and then take a nap a few hours later. It makes me tired and grouchy and just colors the day ick.
I also realized I don't really eat on Wednesdays... We may have had pasta last Wednesday... We were planning on pasta last night. Then I got home, Sosu wasn't here, texted him-no, he wasn't going to be home, but he scrubbed the bathtub-and I decided I just wasn't hungry. Later, I had some popcorn with parmesan-no butter (Sosu had the last of it the other day. Payday is tomorrow. Grocery shopping is either Friday night or Saturday morning.) and just wasn't hungry. Then pasta last week, week before that I'm sure was something quick, dirty and just graze. Tracking my food made me realize my diet is still shit, but not for what I'm eating...it's how I'm eating. I don't, typically, get enough calories. I'm just not hungry.
I wonder if the 2 are related, the insomnia and not eating, but the superstitious side of me screams "It's because it's WEDNESDAY, you idiot!"
I always have vague feelings of doom Wednesday mornings. The old poem says Wednesday's child is full of woe. Slight problem...I was born on a Tuesday. That's a laugh. I am NOT graceful. But doom-y days of the week aside, Wednesdays are usually when bad things happen for me.
I've been having car trouble lately, Lance doesn't want (yes, I named 'it' 'Lance', thereby changing 'it' from sexless to male) to keep his alternator belt on without a whole lot of checking, fussing, tightening and cursing. I've also been late to Alternate Dimension 2x because of him. Monday I took a do-over. I just said 'Do Over'. Yesterday, I ended up working over to make up for it so it doesn't count.
Maybe it's stress. I don't really have huge amounts to be stressed over, though. We have food, there's a roof over our heads, we're making our bills. What worries?
Yes, I'm being sarcastic. Prices have gone sky high. Milk, just a couple years ago, was $2.58 a gallon. Now? $3.59. At it's cheapest. And yes...I do shop around. I have also started using coupons. And trying for discount gas on my shopper's card. The dryer went out, and the couch is almost unusable. Lance keeps freaking out here and there (and I *really* cannot afford a car payment. I have $20 in my checking account right now, and $10 on the table. That's it. Really REALLY cannot afford a car payment) and is just more cause for bits of stress and worry... Sic-un. He worries me. He hurts, I can do nothing about it, and it just...
I love him. I worry about him. Sosu. Worry about him. I worry about all the people I love, really. Kinda bites sometimes, but you suck it up and deal, right? And I know it's hard all over, most people are going paycheck to paycheck, and I say I'm lucky I have no house payment-rent means no property taxes, either- no car payment, I'm not in debt up to my eyeballs (I owe $240 on a credit card and I owe the hospital $150 for my ER visit last month), I have food, I can cook, I can get another job if I have to (don't particularly want to, because the job market does suck), but..I'm pretty lucky. I will acknowledge I have stress.

But still... I wonder... What the hell is it about Wednesday?

8.11.2011

and lo! There was light....

...you think? Nah. Don't like the sentence. Oh well.
Nothing new to report. Well, I have lost 23 pounds. that's not new, though. But 'struth... I will admit I did take the month of July off. But. August. Started again. I'm tired of the fat suit. Getting back in the swing of doing cardio every day.

Oh! I know. Our dryer broke, so now laundry has become a serious fucking pain in the ass. I usually don't mind laundry. I'll mind bits of it (like folding...I understand folding, but don't like to), but generally speaking, I don't dread doing laundry.  Or at least, didn't pre-dryer loss. Post is another story. We've been alternating between running clothes to the laundromat to dry or hanging them to dry, depending on if I have towels to dry or not...Towels are the break point. No line to dry on, we're hanging them on hangers in the closet (which, if you remember, is the remaining 'spare room') and putting some use to the swingset.  I hate hanger-dried clothes. They're stiff. There is no air moving through them, so they wind up stiff. And scratchy. It's better if we can hang them outside, but there's only 5 hooks set up I can use. And no replacement dryer until at LEAST September.
Money, as you're well aware, is tight. Sic-un's back has caused lack of work hours, which causes strain to the bimonthly money transfer... Work transfers it to my bank, I transfer it to the utilities, grocery store, gas stations and landlord.
I'm still not getting laid on a regular basis. I have, a couple times in the past...what? 6 weeks? Yeah. 6 weeks. 2x with J, 1x with Sosu... Over 6 weeks. And I'm with someone. That's what's baffling me.
Sic-un's back is still jacked up and still paining him on a regular basis, especially when stupid fucks at work (usually cunts, but they're all cunts if they hurt him) insist on doing things like pounding him on the back as a way of greeting??? Either that or they'll run into him even though the bosses have him basically off by himself... Work has been seriously hazardous to his health and it hurts his back and that affects response and desire. Sosu no longer has a girlfriend, and apparently is open for business again, but he didn't tell ME that...he left a note on Sic-un's computer one morning. He'll have to actually make the move for anything to happen (I started touching him, he said no, haven't touched him since. You tell me no, you'll have to make it abundantly clear the answer has changed to yes). And J... Ha. It is to laugh. His schedule at work is changing, meaning his gaming schedule changes as well. Sex isn't a real high priority for him. And now it's even more of a non-priority due to scheduling.

I will say I have met a really solid individual-it was actually on FB where I first encountered him, and then Sic-un and I just met him IRL on the 2nd. He lives in Bristol, VA, so we took the bike. Good ride. DGL shall be his designation. He's smart, funny, sweeter than dammit and wickedly spot-on. Why don't I take him to bed, you may ask. Well, Dear Reader, he lives in Bristol-about 3 hours away, and gas is expensive- and well.... He's paralyzed from the mid-chest down and there ain't much down from mid-chest. Yeah, he's an amputee. Left leg from hip down and right leg from about 4" down. He's also covered in ink, willing to let me use what bits of skin he has open as practice. He's an artist himself (gorgeous! artwork), a hobby horticulturist (he rattles off Latin taxonomy the way I rattle off ingredients), and just fuckin' smarter than fuck! He was paralyzed before he was an amputee, and is really an amputee because he was paralyzed. So. No real sex with him is possible. However, he's more than into oral as compensation, and I'm looking to shamelessly exploit that, but...
It's Bristol. It's 3 hours away. My car windows don't roll down. I have no A/C and hey...it's fuckin' hot out there. So it'll have to wait until fall.
And time ticks on.
So that's the past 6 weeks. No changes in anything except it's starting to kinda piss me off...I want to be independently wealthy so I can quit a job I'm not really enjoying (and haven't seriously enjoyed for a # of years) and start my projects. 

One last thing.... I joined Google+ sometime in the near past. If y'all know my name, feel free to add.




6.24.2011

So another post....

about what? 3 weeks from the first? Just under? Something like?
I have to give pre-warning. I've been drinking.
And since Sosu made my last drink, I feel I may be fading fast....
But first, I felt the need to bitch.
Sosu made my drink, you say? Do I finally have a cabana boy?
Why, yes YES I DO...
And I'm not happy. not really.
I haven't gotten laid in weeks, which is criminal....
The boy moved in like, 3 weeks ago...NOTHING. Some mackin' on the couch and that's about it.
I've been resorting to the toys.
Sic-un? His back's been off because of the weather, but in good news, he now has insurance and only has to wait until January/February until it's not considered to be a pre-existing condition any more.
I've lost a grand total of like, 22 pounds. I think I look pretty damn good, or at least not weird any more. It got to where I felt like I had some kind of fat suit on. Couldn't take it. Couldn't take the jiggle. And I have gotten comments---Usually from women, although J2 said I looked good the other day and a random stranger said I was working the jeans when I stopped at the smoke shop a few weeks ago---But from my partner, from my fuck-buddies?
J may come up the weekend of the 4th. MAY. Gaming is more important. Sic-un has his back---which is causing a serious lack of turn-on... And Sosu is working on a fat chick. Yeah, a fat chick. My luck.
I pick fuckin' chubby chasers and decide to lose fuckin' weight.
I'm feeling really down right now and could really use someone else, someone other than Ms. Hand...even if she is wearing a glove so I get some 'strange'.
I feel like I'm whining and don't particularly want to, but can't seem to help myself.
What the fuck good am I if I can't even get fucked by my fucking partner or either EITHER!!!! of my 2 FWB's??? What the fuck???